Bonus
Question: What’s the difference between a bonus and a boner? Answer: Your wife will blow your bonus....
Bits & Pieces
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Property
Doug Smith was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, daughter and two sons were all gathered around him. First he addressed his kids: “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. Sybil, you take the apartments on the East End. Jamie, I want you to take the...
Peer Pressure
Question: What’s the upside to growing really old? Answer: Less and less peer pressure....
Soldier
Upon returning from his weekend pass, a soldier was questioned by his commanding officer as to where all his money had gone. The soldier replied, “Part for booze, part for women, and the rest spent foolishly.” ...
Liposuction
The HUSTLER Dictionary defines liposuction as letting the fat out of the bag....
How to Please a Man or Woman
How to please a woman: Love her. Take her to dinner. Miss the game for her. Buy her jewelry. Be interested in what she has to say. How to please a man: Show up naked. Bring beer....
Casino
There was a young lady in Renowho lost all her doughplaying Keno.So she lay on her backand opened her crack,and now she ownsthe casino....
“Hey, I realize it’s your nose, but I’d sure feel a lot safer if you put a condom on it.”
“Hey, I realize it’s your nose, but I’d sure feel a lot safer if you put a condom on it.”...
“Fuck abortion clinics. I’m bombing breast-reduction facilities!”
“Fuck abortion clinics. I’m bombing breast-reduction facilities!”...
“Senator, did you pay that hooker less than you would a male prostitute?”
“Senator, did you pay that hooker less than you would a male prostitute?”...
“Oh, Marika, I hate our stupid village! I have to get out of this country! Where are all the human sex traffickers?!”
“Oh, Marika, I hate our stupid village! I have to get out of this country! Where are all the human sex traffickers?!”...
“We’d be proud to have you as a member of the Republican Party. We specialize in terrorizing villages!”
“We’d be proud to have you as a member of the Republican Party. We specialize in terrorizing villages!”...
“But now I’ve realized that I’m not the whore. My pussy is the whore!”
“But now I’ve realized that I’m not the whore. My pussy is the whore!”...
“Either get well soon or hurry up and die! It’s costing me a damn fortune, running back and forth to this hospital!”
“Either get well soon or hurry up and die! It’s costing me a damn fortune, running back and forth to this hospital!”...
“I know we’re going through a nasty divorce, Clara – but I was hoping you could spare a mercy fuck for old times’ sake!”
“I know we’re going through a nasty divorce, Clara – but I was hoping you could spare a mercy fuck for old times’ sake!”...
“Finally, be smart out there, people! If you want to physically abuse a minority citizen, for God’s sake – look around for cameras!”
“Finally, be smart out there, people! If you want to physically abuse a minority citizen, for God’s sake – look around for cameras!”...
“Best therapy known to man: Fuck pussy. Feel better!”
“Best therapy known to man: Fuck pussy. Feel better!”...
“Oh, gosh – not tonight, sweetheart! I’ve got such a headache!”
“Oh, gosh – not tonight, sweetheart! I’ve got such a headache!”...
Daddy
Little Bobby bragged, “Mommy, I’m going to be just like Daddy when I grow up.” His mother replied, “I’m sorry, dear, but you can’t do both.”...
Pig In Heat
Question: How can you tell if a pig is in heat? Answer: She buys the first three rounds. ...
Kuwait
A reporter, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by the sociological changes in the country. On previous visits, she had noted that women walked about five paces behind their men at all times. Now, she observed, women were walking ahead of their husbands by at least 20 paces. ...
Longest Sentence
Question: What’s the longest sentence in the English language? Answer: I do....
Harold
Harold had been pounding brews at the pub all night. When he got about as drunk as he could possibly get, some college kids noticed his condition and decided to be good Samaritans by taking him home. So they stood him up to get his wallet and find out where he lived, but he fell...
Grapes
When one wino noticed another lush eating grapes, he ran up to him in a panic. “Man, what are you doing? You have to wait!”...
