Tupperware party
Question: How do you get ten fat cows into your basement? Answer: Hold a Tupperware party....
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Putin condoms
Prime Minister Putin called President Obama with an emergency: “Our only condom factory exploded,” Putin cried. “This is a true catastrophe!” “Mr. Putin,” Obama stated solemnly, “the American people will do anything within their power to help.” “I do need help,”admitted Putin.“Please, could you send over a million condoms as soon as possible to tide...
Blonde driver
Question: Why was the blonde upset when she got her driver’s license? Answer: Because she got an F in sex....
Drunk driver
Jack was always texting while driving, but one day, while on his way to town with his wife, a state trooper spotted him and pulled his ass over. “You were texting while driving,” the officer asserted. “No, I wasn’t,” Jack argued. “But don’t take my word for it. Ask my wife.” “That true, ma’am?” the...
Stripper Jane
There once was a stripper named Janewho knew how tomake it rain.She’d lie on her backand open her crack,and the men would all go insane....
“If you’d take your ass to the fields and learn how to pick cotton, you would have some money!”
“If you’d take your ass to the fields and learn how to pick cotton, you would have some money!”...
“Yeah, sure, I love you too! I’m the son of God. I love everybody! Now get lost!”
“Yeah, sure, I love you too! I’m the son of God. I love everybody! Now get lost!”...
“It’s amazing what a cock in a woman’s mouth can do to enhance her looks.”
“It’s amazing what a cock in a woman’s mouth can do to enhance her looks.”...
“I see a short, skinny white guy in your future. However, for ten dollars more, I might be ableto see a tall, well-hung black dude!”
“I see a short, skinny white guy in your future. However, for ten dollars more, I might be ableto see a tall, well-hung black dude!”...
“She suddenly started thrashing around, screaming and laughing like a crazy person! So I smashed her skull!”
“She suddenly started thrashing around, screaming and laughing like a crazy person! So I smashed her skull!”...
“I went to the dentist yesterday. I got my tooth whitened!”
“I went to the dentist yesterday. I got my tooth whitened!”...
“We here at Fox News have uncovered definitive proof that Barack Obama is a socialist Muslim terrorist born in Kenya, hell-bent on destroying America just for the fuck of it!”
“We here at Fox News have uncovered definitive proof that Barack Obama is a socialist Muslim terrorist born in Kenya, hell-bent on destroying America just for the fuck of it!”...
“You get her heart. You take her brain. And I’ll eat her pussy!”
“You get her heart. You take her brain. And I’ll eat her pussy!”...
“You know, he’s right!”
“You know, he’s right!”...
“We were made for each other! She likes to drink out of the toilet bowl. I like to hop on and fuck her when she’s drinking out of the toilet bowl.”
“We were made for each other! She likes to drink out of the toilet bowl. I like to hop on and fuck her when she’s drinking out of the toilet bowl.”...
“Sure, I like ’em, but I thought we agreed to use our tax refund money to buy a new washer and dryer!”
“Sure, I like ’em, but I thought we agreed to use our tax refund money to buy a new washer and dryer!”...
“Why is it that the worst boyfriends always have the biggest dicks and the longest tongues?”
“Why is it that the worst boyfriends always have the biggest dicks and the longest tongues?”...
“Let’s say you were going into a place of business that you were recently fired from for no fucking reason and you wanted to mow down some assholes. What kind of weapon would you recommend?”
“Let’s say you were going into a place of business that you were recently fired from for no fucking reason and you wanted to mow down some assholes. What kind of weapon would you recommend?”...
“I kid you not, Eddie. Your ol’ lady is the best!”
“I kid you not, Eddie. Your ol’ lady is the best!”...
“I’m gonna run home and ask my wife for a divorce! Promise y’all will still be here when I get back!”
“I’m gonna run home and ask my wife for a divorce! Promise y’all will still be here when I get back!”...
Buck
Buck was explaining how reincarnation works to his wife. “The only rule is, when you die, you always come back as a different creature.” The wife nodded her head in understanding. “In that case, I’d like to come back as a cow.” Buck just sighed.“You obviously weren’t listening.” ...
Priests
Two priests were using the urinals in the Vatican when one looked down at the other’s penis and noticed there was a nicotine patch on it. So he turned to his fellow vicar and said, “I believe you’re supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not on your penis.” “Hey, never you...
Condoms
Matt went into a store to buy condoms. “Do you want a bag?” the cashier asked. “Nah,” Matt said. “She’s not that ugly.” ...
Slut and bitch
Question: What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch? Answer: A slut will fuck anybody. A bitch will fuck anybody but you. ...
Assassin
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing, it came down to three candidates, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will...
Admiral
A tough old admiral snarled to a lowly seaman, “I suppose that after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can piss on my grave.” “N—n—not me, Admiral,” the seaman stuttered. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!” ...
