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humor

Hospital

After a lengthy operation, John Boehner awoke in a hospital bed. “Why are the curtains closed?” he asked the nurse. “Is it night?” “There’s a fire across the street,” the nurse answered. “We didn’t want you waking up and thinking the operation was unsuccessful.”...
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Unfaithful Wife

Beth and Chuck were having dinner one evening when Chuck took his wife’s hand and said, “Soon we will be married 35 years, and there’s something I have to know. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?” Beth replied, “I have to be honest, dear. I’ve been unfaithful three times but always for a good...
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Cannibals

As two cannibals were eating dinner, one said, “Your wife sure makes a great stew.” “I know,” agreed the other. “But I’m still gonna miss her.”...
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Boner

Mr. Jones complained to his urologist that he couldn’t get an erection and make love to his wife. “Bring her with you tomorrow,” the doctor advised. “I’ll see what I can do.” The following day the man returned with his wife. “I’d like you to take off your clothes, Mrs. Jones,” the doctor instructed. “Now...
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Nudist Beach

Question: How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach? Answer: It’s not hard....
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Mother-in-law

Stan opened his front door to find his mother-in-law sobbing on the porch with a suitcase in her hand. “Frank and I had a terrible fight!” she bawled. “Can I stay here for a few days?” “Sure you can,” Stan replied. “Just don’t try to come inside.”...
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Priests

Before 12 seminary students could be ordained as priests, they had to pass one final test. They were told to line up naked in the chapel, where a stripper would dance for them. A bell was tied around each man’s dick, and they were informed that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained since...
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Graffilthy

A gentle old lady I knewWas dozing one dayin her pew.When the preacheryelled, “Sin!”She exclaimed,“Count me in,As soon as the serviceis through!”...
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Exit Through The Strip Club

Renegade street artist Banksy hit the HUSTLER Club in Hell’s Kitchen for the 24th piece of his month-long “residency” in New York City. This forlorn gentleman was stenciled onto the rolldown security gate of our jiggle joint sometime between closing and the break of dawn. “Waiting in vain at the door of the club” reads...
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Jackoff Justice

Now you can jerk off at the beach without getting busted! If you move to Sweden, that is. The Södertörn District Court recently acquitted a man of all charges originating from his sandy handy. What got him off? He was just stroking it solo, not aiming at a specific person. In the land of IKEA...
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Claw Brawl

“Elbows on the pads!” Cheered on by a bawdy crowd, the Velvet Hammer faces the Barberess of Seville, who promises to “rip your roots out faster than you can say Brazilian with a landing strip.” Eyes lock. Hands grip. The ref shouts, “Go!” And in less than a minute the Barberess is pinned to the...
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Penis auction

At breakfast one morning Darlene told her hubby Max all about her strange dream: “I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10.” “What about one my size?” Max asked. “It didn’t even get a bid!” Darlene scoffed. Of course Max felt a little insulted....
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Blonde intelligence

Question: What does it mean when a blonde impresses you with her intelligence? Answer: You’ve had too much to drink....
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Insurance money

Marilyn brought home an urn containing her husband’s remains and poured them onto the kitchen counter. Tracing her fingers through the ashes, she started talking: “Irving, remember that fur coat you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money.” After a minute, Marilyn asked, “Remember that new car you promised me? Well, I...
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Selfish murderer

Judge Johnson looked down at a defendant and pronounced, “You are charged with murdering a schoolteacher with a chainsaw.” Suddenly a man in the courtroom shouted, “You lying bastard!” “Silence!” the judge demanded, banging his gavel. Again he addressed the defendant: “Secondly, you are charged with beating a paperboy to death with a shovel.” “You...
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Fat Al

A woman sat down opposite Fat Al on a bus and couldn’t help but comment, “If that stomach was on a woman, I’d think she was pregnant.” Fat Al shot back, “It was. She is.”...

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