Pillow
Question: What does it mean when the woman in your bed is gasping for breath and calling your name? Answer: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough....
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911 call
A soon-to-be father dialed 911 and told the dispatcher, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” he was asked. “No, you idiot!” the frantic caller shouted. “This is her husband!”...
Antibiotics
Question: What do you give a man who has everything? Answer: Antibiotics....
Blowjob
Joe finally scored a date with Emma and picked the sexy babe up at her parents’ home. He’d scrounged enough money to dine at a fancy restaurant, where Emma ordered the most expensive items on the menu: shrimp cocktail, lobster and champagne. A little taken aback, Joe asked, “Does your mother feed you like that...
Graffilthy
There once was a lousenamed Weiner,Who took dirty picsof his peter.He sexted young babesAnd dug his own grave.He’s why a true dick’scalled a Weiner....
No.2 Rules
Sim Jae-Duck—ex-mayor of Suwon, Korea—was born in a toilet (literally!) and fixated by the ol’ dump ever since. He felt it his duty to clean up the city’s poopers and was known around town as Mr. Toilet. In homage to his obsession, the good mayor built his home in the shape of a john and...
All Hands on Dick
This one-stop bate shop boasts a five-finger discount every day of the week. Visit its location in Bonita Beach, Florida, where a friendly staff of wankers will be happy to assist you. They offer the ultimate fly-fishing experience....
Gutter Talk
XXX stars love to play with heavy balls, especially for a good cause! At the recent Porn Star Bowling Fundraiser—cohosted by the Free Speech Coalition and LATATA (Licensed Adult Talent Agents Trade Association)— upwards of 300 jizz-bizzers and their fans celebrated America’s right to say any-fucking-thing we want. You hear that, NSA? Of course you...
“You cheating piece of shit! I oughta slap the corn outa you!”
“You cheating piece of shit! I oughta slap the corn outa you!”...
“I know we both agreed to practice abstinence, and I am. But just with you.”
“I know we both agreed to practice abstinence, and I am. But just with you.”...
“…and then she said, ‘I’ve had about as much of you as I can take. I’m gonna find me a man with a smaller dick’!”
“…and then she said, ‘I’ve had about as much of you as I can take. I’m gonna find me a man with a smaller dick’!”...
“Dear, I’m afraid your father has developed a drinking problem since his retirement. He says he can’t stand my ass when he’s sober!”
“Dear, I’m afraid your father has developed a drinking problem since his retirement. He says he can’t stand my ass when he’s sober!”...
“I met again today with Republican leadership and came away convinced that we can still work together for the common good.”
“I met again today with Republican leadership and came away convinced that we can still work together for the common good.”...
“You’re right, honey. I need to check myself into rehab. But first let me snap a few more pictures.”
“You’re right, honey. I need to check myself into rehab. But first let me snap a few more pictures.”...
“Let me get this straight, Grandpa: When they bomb us in our country, it’s called terrorism. But when we invade countries, occupy them and kill thousands, that’s counterterrorism?”
“Let me get this straight, Grandpa: When they bomb us in our country, it’s called terrorism. But when we invade countries, occupy them and kill thousands, that’s counterterrorism?”...
“Hi there! Here’s $500! I hope it’s okay that I have a tiny penis and I always ejaculate in under ten seconds!”
“Hi there! Here’s $500! I hope it’s okay that I have a tiny penis and I always ejaculate in under ten seconds!”...
“Janice finally ate my cum. Well, I jacked off in her salad.”
“Janice finally ate my cum. Well, I jacked off in her salad.”...
“Oh, that was my package before I went from being Carl to Carol.”
“Oh, that was my package before I went from being Carl to Carol.”...
“No, I did not come already! That’s pus from the clap you gave me!”
“No, I did not come already! That’s pus from the clap you gave me!”...
“Mr. Christ? Abe Stein, personal injury lawyer!”
“Mr. Christ? Abe Stein, personal injury lawyer!”...
“Underdeveloped country—my ass!”
“Underdeveloped country—my ass!”...
Hot doctor
Dan arrived at the doctor’s office only to discover that his new physician was a drop-dead gorgeous redhead. At first he was embarrassed, but the doctor soothed, “Don’t worry. I’m a professional. I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong, and I’ll check it out.” So Dan quickly dropped his pants. “My wife...
