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humor

If You Talk to God

HUSTLER Wisdom: If you talk to God, they say you’re religious. If God talks to you, they call you insane....
humor

Iris and the Pharmacist

Iris dashed into a drugstore and told the pharmacist that she wanted some arsenic. “What for?” he asked. “I want to kill my husband,” Iris replied. “Sorry, I can’t do that,” the pharmacist informed her. Iris quickly reached into her handbag and pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife....
humor

Swinger Down!

We all like to point fingers, but sex isn’t a one-size-fits-all type of thing. What’s normal in Japan may seem weird to us and vice versa. But can we all just pause and mutually acknowledge that British people are into some next-level kink? Not so much extreme as the national obsession with sex and the...
humor

If It Walks Like A Duck…

In July America’s Racist-in-Chief took aim at “The Squad”: Ilhan Omar of Minnesota, Rashida Tlaib of Michigan, Ayanna Pressley of Massachusetts and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York, a quartet of progressive Democrats in Congress who do not back down or abide by politics as usual. Being nonwhite and female, it wasn’t long before the audacity...
humor

She’s Not Heavy

Welcome to the only sporting event that really matters—not even the Super Bowl comes close to capturing the majesty, grandeur and glory of the North American Wife Carrying Championship. Gentlemen, lift your spouses, and take your marks! The 20th edition of this illustrious competition kicks off October 12, and it’s every bit as ludicrous and...
humor

The First Lady of Lumber

In what can only be described as pure nightmare fuel, well-meaning albeit confused Slovenians commemorated homeland hero and Lizard Queen/First Lady Melania Trump with a statue that makes Celoron’s serial killer Lucille Ball look positively angelic by comparison. What Reuters politely describes as “rustic” is in actuality a monument to pagan terror—or so says this...
humor

Livin’ La Vida In Vitro

Science fiction, you win again. As the dark future nightmares of literature and film steadily manifest into reality, it should come as no surprise that another prophecy may come to be sooner than we think: the end of fucking to make babies. Welcome to sexual dystopia. Stanford University’s Henry T. Greely is sounding the death...
humor

Coregasm

There’s so much information coming at us these days that it’s hard to discern what’s worth retaining. But if you’re going to go to bed with one lasting revelation tonight, then let it be this: 1 in 10 women have accidentally orgasmed while exercising. Having a great beach bod is all well and good, but...
humor

Curious Question

One day a boy asked his father, “What’s the difference between confident and confidential?” His dad replied, “Well, you’re my son. I’m confident about that. Your best friend Jimmy is also my son. That’s confidential.”...
humor

DIY Dildos

Have we finally reached peak “craft”? In the age of crocheted menstrual pads and activist needlepoint, it seems only fitting that homemade sex toys are now a thing. And we’re not talking about repurposed kitchenware or locally grown produce—this is art, and Adele Brydges is here to help bring your vision to life. As reported...
humor

In Praise Of Older Women

You know what the worst thing about the music industry is? The music industry. Leave it to some needle-dick executive with too much power to think that anyone cares what he thinks. It’s what makes the small victories feel all the more satisfying and why singers like Bebe Rexha give us hope for the future...
humor

Love Quizzes Are Dumb – Take Ours

No one is arguing that to love someone, you need to know someone. And over the course of a marriage, people can drift apart as life chips away at the burning passion that once fueled your fairy-tale romance. While communication and compassion are key, it’s also important to remember that you’re not some basic bitch...
humor

Condom on Demand

Jane and Arlene were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. Jane pulled out a condom, cut off the tip, put it over her cigarette and continued right on smoking. Arlene raised an eyebrow and cackled, “What in the hell is that?” “It’s called a condom,” Jane explained....

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