Bits & Pieces

Articles with unfiltered opinions

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Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

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June 2024

Misha Cross and Agatha Vega
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Latest Articles

The Final Girls
Feature

The Final Girls

THEY KNOW HOW TO SCREAM, THEY KNOW HOW TO DIE, BUT ABOVE ALL, THEY KNOW HOW TO KICK SOME BOGEYMAN ASS! ONE BY ONE THE REST OF THE CHARACTERS HAVE BEEN STABBED, HUNG, RIPPED LIMB FROM LIMB, UNTIL THE ONLY...
The Nude Elephant in the Room
Feature

The Nude Elephant in the Room

LIVE FROM THE 2-1-5, JESSA JORDAN REPORTS ON HER LIFE AS A BLACK ANARCHIST STRIPPER DURING THE 2016 DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION IN PHILADELPHIA. By day I bend light and arch limbs as a...
Wheeler Walker Jr.
Feature

Wheeler Walker Jr.

LIKE ROY ROGERS AND GENE AUTRY BEFORE HIM, WHEELER WALKER JR. IS A SINGING COWBOY. BUT UNLIKE YOUR GRANDDADDY’S HEROES, THIS HAT-WEARING HILLBILLY IS MORE LIKELY TO CROON TUNES LIKE “FUCK YOU BITCH” THAN...
Politics

Go Vote!

If voting made any difference, they wouldn’t let us do it,” Mark Twain is believed to have quipped. However, there is no clear-cut evidence he said anything of the sort. Who ever first uttered those words...
Politics

The Filthy Rich Get Richer

And the winner is…Goldman Sachs! America’s big bankers don’t really care whether the next President is named Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. Once Bernie Sanders was knocked out...
Vagina Demagogue
Bits & Pieces

Vagina Demagogue

Our apologies—we really can’t wait to stop talking about Trump. But Gabriella Paiella’s piece for New York magazine, “Why Are Trump’s Hands Always Making the Symbol for ‘Vagina,’” posed a...
Olympic Glory
Bits & Pieces

Olympic Glory

“Am I the only person who thinks the Walk of Nations, from above, looks like a giant vagina? #OpeningCeremony #Rio2016,” tweeted @JasonKorolenko. No, Jason, you were not. Sure, Olympic media coverage of...
Tell Us Something We Don’t Know
Bits & Pieces

Tell Us Something We Don’t Know

Having little else to do, journalists across the nation recently reported on a paper published by New York University researchers with this catchy title: “A Qualitative...
Fully Erect
Bits & Pieces

Fully Erect

Identical naked Donald Trump statues were recently erected in cities across the United States, shocking and thrilling crowds in Seattle, New York, Cleveland, San Francisco and the City of Angels. Commissioned...
Drunk & Disorderly
Bits & Pieces

Drunk & Disorderly

It’s understandable that macho, dumb shits would find a job with the United States Secret Service (USSS) appealing: You get to carry a gun and wear sunglasses and a wire and shit. You’d think the elite law...
Mass Shootings USA
Feature

Mass Shootings USA

MASS SHOOTINGS IN AMERICA HAVE BECOME SO COMMONPLACE THAT IT’S ALMOST NEWS WHEN WE GO A WEEK WITHOUT ONE. THE SHOCK VALUE DECLINES WITH EACH NEW EPISODE IN THIS BLOODY MINISERIES—UNTIL THE RECORD FOR...
Kurt Vonnegut Visits a Strip Club
Feature

Kurt Vonnegut Visits a Strip Club

NIGHT BEFORE LOUNGE IS LOCATED IN DOWNTOWN LINCOLN, NEBRASKA, AT 1035 M STREET. LAP DANCES ARE $20.   The following interview with Kurt Vonnegut took place at the Night...
Cindy Starfall: Star Light, Star Bright
Feature

Cindy Starfall: Star Light, Star Bright

PORN IS A BUSINESS, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T HAVE FUN. SAVVY PERFORMER CINDY STARFALL HAS TURNED HER NAME INTO A PROFITABLE BRAND. SHE STARS IN VIDEOS, RUNS HER OWN...
Politics

Patriotic Pretense

When it comes to national security, we Americans are a pathetic herd of sheep, easily led from one disastrous foreign entanglement to another without seriously questioning the leaders who consistently betray...
Politics

Supreme Chaos

The U.S. Supreme Court finished its 2015-2016 session with a number of positive surprises. Many were stunned to see liberal-leaning decisions concerning guns, abortion and race-conscious school admission...
Holy Fuck, It’s Christmas!
Bits & Pieces

Holy Fuck, It’s Christmas!

 This just in: There is joy on earth. It’s on us to spread it around, and this time of year that means gifts. Sometimes it gets hard to figure out what goodies Old Saint Fatty should...
Rubber Rubbish
Bits & Pieces

Rubber Rubbish

So long, jizz facials. If Proposition 60, a ballot measure going before Californians on November 8th, is voted in, your favorite cum queens will have to wear goggles, nose plugs and surgical masks if they...
“Sorry I’m a Cunt!”
Bits & Pieces

“Sorry I’m a Cunt!”

Dani Mathers don’t need no stinking publicist to go from low-ranking media celebrity (56th Playmate of the Year and a recurring role as “waitress” on The Bold and the Beautiful) to high-ranking internet...
Devil in Disguise
Bits & Pieces

Devil in Disguise

“Are we going to dress up?” asks one Satanic Temple member with the earnest enthusiasm of a Boy Scout marching in his first parade. It’s June 6, 2016—not quite 6.6.6, but close enough. The Los Angeles...
Chemtrails and Mind Control
Feature

Chemtrails and Mind Control

They say you should not speak ill of the dead. But they, whoever they are, never met Bruce David. When the longtime Editorial Director of HUSTLER passed away in June 2016, messages flooded...
The American Whore
Feature

The American Whore

SIOUXSIE Q IS THE CREATOR AND HOST OF THE THE WHORECAST, AN ACCLAIMED PODCAST THAT SHOWCASES THE STORIES, ART AND VOICES OF AMERICAN SEX WORKERS. HER COLUMN “THE WHORE NEXT DOOR” APPEARS IN SF WEEKLY, AND...