Bits & Pieces

Articles with unfiltered opinions

Cartoons

Illustrated monthly funnies

Jokes

Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Parodies

Unapologetic political satire

close slideout
Latest HUSTLER Magazine cover issue
Magazine new arrow

September 2025

Join HUSTLER Magazine trial promo image

Intro Offer:
3 days for only $0.99!

Search

Sex lecture

A distinguished professor was asked to give a lecture on sex. Upon being introduced, he stood up, cleared his throat and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.” And then he promptly sat down....

Houdini

Lilly and Tom had just finished screwing when Lilly asked, “If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?” Tom rolled off his condom, tied a knot in it and flushed it down the toilet. “Well,” he said, “if he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”...

Blonde

Question: Why did the blonde decide to sell her car? Answer: She needed gas money....

Alcohol

Josh admitted to his best friend, “Alcohol totally fucks with my judgment. Last night I went home at two with a ten. This morning I woke up at ten with a two.”...

Hooker

When Doug met a hooker in a local pub, she said, “This must be your lucky night. I’ll do anything you want for $300, so long as you can describe it in three words.” Delighted, Doug immediately pulled three $100 bills from his wallet. With each Benjamin he placed on the bar, he uttered one...

Old ladies

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when suddenly a young man in a trench coat ran up and flashed them. Two had a stroke. The third couldn’t reach....

Waitress

A tall Texan rancher donning a ten gallon Stetson strode into a sleazy cocktail lounge with his buddies. As he passed a veteran waitress bent over wiping a table, he slapped her on the ass and said, “Ah shore do wish ah had a little pussy.” The waitress glanced up at him without stopping and...

Tight ass

Nancy answered the phone only to hear heavy breathing. She was about to hang up when a hoarse voice whispered in her ear, “I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.” “Why, yes!” Nancy exclaimed. “He’s drinking beer and watching TV. Who should I say is calling?”...

Restrooms

Question: Why did it take the Hispanic couple six weeks to drive across the United States? Answer: Because they kept encountering signs that read, “Clean restrooms.”...

Negligee

On an elderly couple’s 50th anniversary, Irene found the negligee she wore on their wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband Butch and asked the retired Marine, “Honey, remember this?” Butch looked up from his newspaper and replied, “Yes, dear, I do. You wore that negligee the night we were married.”...

Porn

Al walked into the living room and saw his girlfriend watching a cooking show. “Why are you watching that?” he asked. “You can’t cook!” “Well,” she replied, “you watch porn.”...

Graffilthy

There was a young girlnamed Mariah,who succumbed toher lover’s desire.She said, “It’s a sin,but now that it’s in,could you shove ita few inches higher?”...

Holy Fuck

Father Patrick invited a pretty young lady working at the hotel desk to his room for dinner when her shift was over. Soon the horny priest was groping the girl. “Father, please!” the desk clerk protested. “You’re a holy man!” “It’s okay,” the priest assured her. “It’s written in the Bible.” The girl relented, and...

Freudian Slip

Nick had a black eye when he boarded a plane bound for Pittsburgh. He noticed that the guy next to him also had a black eye. Taken aback, Nick said, “Hey, this is a coincidence. Mind if I ask how you got yours?” His companion shook his head. “Just a silly Freudian slip. See, the ticket...

Geriatrics

An old man was driving down the highway when a motorcycle cop pulled him over. “Was I speeding, Officer?” the geezer asked. “No, sir, you weren’t,” the policeman answered. “Then why did you stop me?” the old fart appealed. “Because your wife fell out of your car a few miles back,” the concerned officer informed him....

Gynecologist

A 24-year-old lipstick lesbian went to the gynecologist. She sat in the stirrups, flaunting her rosy, whistle-clean quim. “Young lady,” exclaimed the appreciative doctor, “you certainly have the cleanest vagina I’ve ever examined.” “Thanks,” said the dyke. “I have a woman in to clean four times a week.”...

Mother Nature

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines tornado as: Mother Nature giving head....

The Man, the Wife, and the Dog

Herb sat glumly all evening, eyeing his wife suspiciously. Finally he blurted out, “Blanche, admit it. You’ve been sucking off the damn dog!” “What?” she shouted. “How can you say such a thing?” “I’ve been watching you two,” Herb answered. “Every time you yawn, he gets a hard-on.”...

Taxidermist

A man walked into a bar in West Virginia and ordered a root beer. Joe the bartender eyed him suspiciously. “You ain’t from around these parts, are you, boy?” “I’m from Ohio,” the traveler replied. “What line of work are you in?” “I’m a taxidermist.” “A taxidermist? What the hell is that?” “I mount dead animals.”...

Mr. & Mrs. Bush

QUESTION: Why does Laura Bush always get on top? ANSWER: Because George W. can only fuck up....

Earring

Dale noticed a male coworker, Arthur, wearing an earring. Arthur had a reputation as an unusually conservative fellow; so the adornment was surprising. “I didn’t know you were into earrings,” Dale said. “Don’t make such a big deal of it,” the stodgy man snapped. “Hell, it’s only an earring.” Dale persisted. “No, come on. How long...

An Attractive Blonde

An attractive blonde arrived at the casino and made a beeline for the craps table. She bought $25,000 worth of chips and then announced, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.” After stripping down, she rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, mama needs a new car!”...

Breaking Up the Monogamy

A married man was bragging about his mistress to his best friend. “What do you need a mistress for?” the buddy asked. “She breaks up the monogamy,” the married guy replied. ...

Two Statues

There were two statues in a park, one depicting a nude man and the other a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for 100 years when one day an angel came down from the sky and brought the two statues to life. The angel told them, “As a reward for...

Little Johnny

A devout family was gathered around the table for its Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny loaded up his plate first and started eating. “Johnny, please wait until everyone’s been served and we’ve said the prayer,” his mother chided. “I don’t have to!” the boy fired back. “Of course you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say...

God Created Orgasms

Question: Why did God create orgasms? Answer: So women can moan even when they’re happy. ...

Stung by a Wasp

A novice golfer came in from her round on the course. A professional golfer, who’d been giving the woman lessons, asked how she did. “Terrible!” she exclaimed. “I got stung by a wasp!” “Where did it sting you?” the pro asked. “Between the first and second hole,” the lady replied. “Well, first of all,” the...

HUSTLER Picks

  • Brushing Up on Going Down: The Pros’ Guide to Eating Pussy
  • The Business of Pleasure: How to Succeed in Sex Work (by Really Trying)
  • Three Is a Magic Number