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December 2021

Featuring Marykate Moss
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Whacking Off the Wine Flu
Featured Article

Whacking Off the Wine Flu

Can masturbation really cure a hangover after a night of overindulging?

“I like drinking, but drinking doesn’t like me.” —Some poor bastard.

Next to rolling around naked with someone who makes your pecker flutter like a coked-up butterfly, getting drunk is one of the greatest pleasures in life. It helps people find toleration amid the imbecilic and deranged, and it keeps them—at least for the most part—from taking life too damn seriously. It could just as easily be said that drinking is the great equalizer in the trenches of sexual construct. Booze has been helping the single to mingle for decades, and it’s gotten horndog humanity more than its fair share of tail. Let’s face it, we need doses of insobriety to keep our brief existence on this planet from going limp as a gimp getting smacked by a pimp. (Hail, Dr. Seuss!)

Yet sometimes, a lust for libations can take hold and smash those with glass livers. We’re talking about the dreaded hangover and the sad sacks who endure them. Yeah, you! The drunk and disorderly can wake up from a wild-eyed rager nauseated, their heads-a-pounding and, above all, desperate to sell off what is left of their eternal soul for a sip of water. 

Depending on who you ask—and the folk remedies abound—hangovers can be snuffed out with a handful of ibuprofen, a greasy breakfast and/or a hot shower. Yet despite the leaps and bounds that science has made over the years, there’s still no proven remedy for this self-affliction. No sir, we’re too busy sending rovers to Mars to cure the ferocity of the liver quivers. The world continues to suffer through its own asinine progress. Therefore, the average boozehound is forced to do what he can to live to drink another day. Problem is, the best of the purported hangover cures are mostly voodoo, intertwined with a smidgen of hope, a dash of prayer and a few shakes of nothing to fucking lose. 

Aidra Fox by Holly Randall Productions

Some folks even swear that masturbation can cure the booze-induced feel-bads. And these wino onanists might be onto something. Yep, America, you just might be able to whack it through the yacking.

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