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July 2024

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Can’t Get Enough of That Hairy Muff
Featured Article

Can’t Get Enough of That Hairy Muff

Will ’70s-style bush ever make a comeback? We go deep into the weeds in search of answers.

The word from the gutters is that ’70s-style bush could be making a comeback. Yes! More women these days are rumored to be ditching the razor. They are opting instead to walk around with a full-blown muff between their legs. We’re not talking about those well-groomed pube patches that some keep for the sake of fashionable passion; this is the kind of growth that blasts out of the side of their panties like a can of supermarket biscuits—pa-pow! 

To this, I say, “It’s about damn time.” I used to skip school when I was just a horny little whippersnapper so I could—ahem—read my dad’s stash of HUSTLERs. He had them stuffed in an old grocery sack at the back of his closet. I stumbled upon the old man’s whack stack one day, and whoa! My life was forever changed. One of the first things I noticed while gawking at all the spread-eagle sights was that the models had lots of pussy hair. Thickets of it in many cases! I remember thinking, This must be what my health teacher meant when she talked about “mature women.” Hell, as it turns out, the mature kind was just my type.

But by the time I began having regular sex in the early ’90s, disappointment was kicking me in the nuts at every turn. All those lustrous southern manes had become these cutesy, less exotic cuts. It seemed the big ol’ boat of bushy beaver had set sail, and I had fucking missed it. Not that I minded the well-groomed poon of the time—I was more than happy with the fact that there were a handful of women willing to let me wiggle around on them naked—but deep down inside, I always hoped that one day I’d catch a glimpse of a hairy hole when I yanked a woman’s pants down. So far, that hasn’t happened, and I’m starting to wonder if it ever will. Man, ain’t life a bitch?

And I’m not the only one peeved about today’s missing muff. It turns out that many men are eagerly waiting for the return of ’70s bush.

“It’s kinda exciting when you meet a girl with a full bush. But you just don’t see that too much anymore,” observes 45-year-old Cary from Nashville, Tennessee. “The last one I saw was at Bonnaroo. I met this chick at the campsite, and we started messing around. When I reached in her pants, there was bush for days. I was like, Well, well, well, what do we have here? I’m an old punk rocker, so the more pubic hair on a woman, the better. It’s just a rare find. That’s why I’ll never forget it.”

Unfortunately, a lot of women are funny about pubic hair. They continue to chop off more of it with each passing year. But this trend is really nothing out of the ordinary. It keeps coming back around like a bad case of the herp. As far back as the ancient Egyptians, females have shaved off their shrubbery for various reasons—in the case of the Egyptians, most clipped it to ward off lice and stay cool under the desert sun. 

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