Jokes

Maybel was filling out forms in the welfare office when the clerk asked how many children she had. “Ten boys,” Maybel answered, “all of ’em named Bobby.”

“Really?!” the clerk exclaimed.

“Yes, sir. That way, when I want ’em to come in for dinner, I just yell ‘Bobby!’”

“But what if you just want one of them to do something?” asked the clerk.

Maybel smiled. “Then I call him by his last name.”

As her mother was cooking dinner, little Amy blurted, “Mommy, you’re getting so fat!”

“I guess I am,” sighed her mother. “But remember, Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.”

“I know that,” Amy said solemnly. “But what’s growing in your ass?”

Upon arriving home from the golf course, Blake found a note from his wife on the fridge: “It’s not working! I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother.”

When Blake opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, and there was ice. “What the hell is she talking about?” he muttered.

When Andy reported for his first day of work at a supermarket, the manager immediately handed him a broom and said, “Welcome aboard. Your first job will be to sweep the floor.”

“But I’m a college graduate!” Andy cried indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the manager grunted. “I didn’t know that. Here, give me the broom. I’ll show you how to use it.”

Question: What’s the best way to talk to your mother-in-law?

Answer: Through a medium.

Hungover and hurting bad, Mike bitched to Jim, “There’s nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and less money than you thought you had.”

Jim disagreed: “Could be worse. You could wake up with a sore ass and more money than you thought you had.”

Question: How many politicians does it take to tile a bathroom floor?

Answer: It depends on how thinly you slice ’em.

During confession a nun admitted, “Father, I have sinned. I’m pregnant!”

“But how did this happen, Sister?” the shocked priest inquired.

“I think it must be the second coming,” the nun explained.

“What in God’s name makes you think this is the second coming?”

“Because I swallowed the first one,” Father.”

There once was a man
from Brighton
Who said to his girl,
“You’re a tight un.”
She cried, “’Pon my soul,
you’re in the wrong hole.
There’s plenty of room
in the right one.”

After taking a long hot bubble bath, an aging porn star was examining herself in a full-length mirror. As she recalled her younger, thinner, sexier body, she said aloud, “Lord, if you help me get rid of these love handles, I promise to dedicate myself to you forever.”

All of a sudden her ears fell off.

Lilith complained to her old-fashioned Jewish mother, “I’m divorcing Irv. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickel.”

“You’re married to a multimillionaire businessman,” her mom remarked. “You live in an eight-bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get a $5,000-a-week allowance, you take six vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?!”

Question: What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?

Answer: A licker cabinet.

Bertha explained to her gynecologist, “Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

“I see,” he said. “And what are you taking for this condition?”

“Pepper,” Bertha replied.

Police Sergeant MacTavish was quizzing a roomful of new recruits. “What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?” he asked.

“Call for backup!” a greenhorn hollered from the back row.

It was a Saturday night, and Ted and Mike were pounding beers at the bar. Three pitchers in, Ted turned to Mike and slurred, “I fucked your mother last night.”

Mike slowly rose from his chair and said, “Okay, Dad, it’s time to go home.”

Two former college roommates ran into each other at a bar and began reminiscing. “Whatever happened to that superhot blonde you were going to marry?” one asked.

“Everything was going great until I took her to my family reunion,” the other responded.

“Then what?”

“She met my rich granddad. Now she’s my grandmother.”

Question: What does it mean when the woman in your bed is gasping for breath and calling your name?

Answer: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

A soon-to-be father dialed 911 and told the dispatcher, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” he was asked.

“No, you idiot!” the frantic caller shouted. “This is her husband!”

Question: What do you give a man who has everything?

Answer: Antibiotics.

Joe finally scored a date with Emma and picked the sexy babe up at her parents’ home. He’d scrounged enough money to dine at a fancy restaurant, where Emma ordered the most expensive items on the menu: shrimp cocktail, lobster and champagne.

A little taken aback, Joe asked, “Does your mother feed you like that at home?”

“No,” Emma replied, “but my mother’s not expecting a blowjob tonight.”

Joe then politely queried, “What would you like for dessert?”

There once was a louse
named Weiner,
Who took dirty pics
of his peter.
He sexted young babes
And dug his own grave.
He’s why a true dick’s
called a Weiner.

Mary was a very sheltered 18-year-old who was finally going on her first date. But her mother had some stern advice: “Don’t let the man put a hand up your dress.” Mary promised to obey.

After going into town for dinner and a movie, Mary and her date were parked in a lover’s lane. The dude made the first move, trying to put a hand up the chick’s dress. She stopped him, then said, “I promised my mother that I wouldn’t let you put your hand up my dress. But you can put your hand down the back of my dress, and it’s the second hole you come to!”

Grant told his pal at the bar, “My ex-wife brought religion into my life.”

“Oh, yeah?” his buddy remarked.

“Yeah,” Grant muttered. “I never believed in Hell until after we got married.”

Question: What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates?

Answer: A tearjerker.

A pedestrian walking rather gingerly was stopped by a police officer a little past 2 a.m. and asked where he was going.

The man said, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the health risks associated with smoking and staying out late.”

The befuddled cop went, “Really?! Who’s giving that lecture in the middle of the night?”

“That would be my wife,” the man replied.

Two teachers took a bunch of fourth- and fifth-graders on a field trip to a Kentucky landmark. They would be spending the day at a world-famous racetrack, where they’d learn about thoroughbred horses and watch them run.

As the hours passed, the children had to relieve themselves. It was decided that the girls would go with Mrs. Brown, while the boys would go with Miss Lacy, who was much younger and prettier.

Miss Lacy was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that he and the others weren’t tall enough to use the urinals. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the boys one by one so they could pee. As Miss Lacy lifted one little guy from behind, she couldn’t help but notice that he was well-hung. Trying not to let him know that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the fifth grade.”

“No, ma’am,” the small fry replied. “I’m in the seventh race, riding Wistful Widow, but I appreciate your help!”

When Iris noticed her first pubic hairs, she asked her mom, “Why is my monkey getting fuzzy?”

“It’s a sign that you are growing up,” Iris’s mom explained. “Be proud that your monkey has finally started to grow hair.”

During dinner, Iris proudly announced, “My monkey has started growing hair.”

“That’s nothing to brag about,” her older sister huffed. “Mine is eating bananas.”

One blustery evening a cheapskate millionaire was about to walk out the door. “Jackie,” he barked at his wife, “put your hat and coat on!”

“Are you taking me out for a few drinks at the bar, darling?” Jackie asked.

“Nah, I’m just turning the heat off while I’m out.”

A doctor asked a pregnant prostitute if she knew the identity of the father.

“Doc,” the hooker retorted, “if you ate a can of beans, would you be able to say which one made you fart?”