Bits & Pieces

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April 2023

Laura Desirée
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Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Back to Humor

Upon opening a long-awaited mail-order package, Gary yelped in joy. “Hey, Mary, my Olympic condoms finally arrived,” he told his nympho girlfriend. “I’m gonna wear a gold one tonight.”

“Why not wear a silver one?” Mary suggested. “You could come second for a change.”

A bill collector went to the home of a hottie who had fallen behind on her furniture payments. “All right, young lady,” the guy muttered as he stepped into her living room. “How about the next installment on your couch?”

The gal shrugged, then said, “I guess that’s better than having to give you some money.”

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 low-cut dress.

“How could you do this!” he bellowed.

“I don’t know,” the wife wailed. “I was just looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was as if the devil were whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'”

“You know how to deal with the devil,” the pastor persisted, “Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!'”

“I did,” the wife pleaded, “but then he told me the dress looked great from back there too!”

While sitting in his lawyer’s office, Rodney was asked, “Do you want the bad news or the terrible news first?”

“Give me the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a photograph worth a half-million dollars,” the lawyer stated.

“That’s the bad news?!” Rodney howled. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“The photo in question shows you boning your mistress.”

A distinguished professor was asked to give a lecture on sex. Upon being introduced, he stood up, cleared his throat and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.” And then he promptly sat down.

Father Patrick invited a pretty young lady working at the hotel desk to his room for dinner when her shift was over. Soon the horny priest was groping the girl.

“Father, please!” the desk clerk protested. “You’re a holy man!”

“It’s okay,” the priest assured her. “It’s written in the Bible.” The girl relented, and the couple banged the whole night.

The next morning the tired clerk asked, “Father? Could I see the Bible passage you mentioned last night?”

Father Patrick found the King James edition in the dresser and pointed to the inside front cover, where somebody had scrawled in pencil, “The girl at the desk puts out.”

Lilly and Tom had just finished screwing when Lilly asked, “If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?”

Tom rolled off his condom, tied a knot in it and flushed it down the toilet. “Well,” he said, “if he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”

Nick had a black eye when he boarded a plane bound for Pittsburgh. He noticed that the guy next to him also had a black eye. Taken aback, Nick said, “Hey, this is a coincidence. Mind if I ask how you got yours?”

His companion shook his head. “Just a silly Freudian slip. See, the ticket agent had these enormous boobs. Instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said, ‘I’d like a ticket to Tittsburgh.’ Pow! She socked me.”

“Mine was a Freudian slip too,” said Nick. “I was at the breakfast table, and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.’ But I accidentally said, “You ruined my life, you fucking bitch.’”


An attractive blonde arrived at the casino and made a beeline for the craps table. She bought $25,000 worth of chips and then announced, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.” After stripping down, she rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, mama needs a new car!”

As soon as the dice stopped tumbling, the blonde jumped up and down and squealed, “I won! I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, scooped up her winnings— and her clothes—and quickly departed.

For several minutes the dumbfounded dealers stared at each other. Finally one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The croupier answered, “I don’t know. I thought you were watching the dice.” 

Question: Why did the blonde decide to sell her car?

Answer: She needed gas money.

An old man was driving down the highway when a motorcycle cop pulled him over.

“Was I speeding, Officer?” the geezer asked.

“No, sir, you weren’t,” the policeman answered.

“Then why did you stop me?” the old fart appealed.

“Because your wife fell out of your car a few miles back,” the concerned officer informed him.

“Thank God,” the geriatric driver exhaled. “I thought I was going deaf.”

A married man was bragging about his mistress to his best friend. “What do you need a mistress for?” the buddy asked.

“She breaks up the monogamy,” the married guy replied. 

Josh admitted to his best friend, “Alcohol totally fucks with my judgment. Last night I went home at two with a ten. This morning I woke up at ten with a two.”

A 24-year-old lipstick lesbian went to the gynecologist. She sat in the stirrups, flaunting her rosy, whistle-clean quim. “Young lady,” exclaimed the appreciative doctor, “you certainly have the cleanest vagina I’ve ever examined.”

“Thanks,” said the dyke. “I have a woman in to clean four times a week.”

Question: What do a Christmas tree and a Catholic priest have in common?

Answer: Their balls are just for decoration. 

When Doug met a hooker in a local pub, she said, “This must be your lucky night. I’ll do anything you want for $300, so long as you can describe it in three words.”

Delighted, Doug immediately pulled three $100 bills from his wallet. With each Benjamin he placed on the bar, he uttered one word: “Paint…my…house.”

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines tornado as: Mother Nature giving head.

There were two statues in a park, one depicting a nude man and the other a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for 100 years when one day an angel came down from the sky and brought the two statues to life. The angel told them, “As a reward for enduring a multitude of blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for 30 minutes to do whatever you wish.”

The man looked at the woman, she looked at him, and they went running behind some shrubbery. The angel bided his time as the bushes rustled and giggling ensued. Fifteen minutes later the naked couple returned, out of breath and laughing. The angel said, “You still have 15 minutes left to do whatever you wish.”

The man asked the woman, “Shall we do it again?”

She eagerly replied, “Oh, yes, but let’s change positions. This time I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.” 

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when suddenly a young man in a trench coat ran up and flashed them. Two had a stroke. The third couldn’t reach.

Herb sat glumly all evening, eyeing his wife suspiciously. Finally he blurted out, “Blanche, admit it. You’ve been sucking off the damn dog!”

“What?” she shouted. “How can you say such a thing?”

“I’ve been watching you two,” Herb answered. “Every time you yawn, he gets a hard-on.”

A devout family was gathered around the table for its Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny loaded up his plate first and started eating. “Johnny, please wait until everyone’s been served and we’ve said the prayer,” his mother chided.

“I don’t have to!” the boy fired back.

“Of course you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house, Mom! This is Grandma’s house, and she knows how to cook!” 

A tall Texan rancher donning a ten gallon Stetson strode into a sleazy cocktail lounge with his buddies. As he passed a veteran waitress bent over wiping a table, he slapped her on the ass and said, “Ah shore do wish ah had a little pussy.”

The waitress glanced up at him without stopping and remarked, “So do I.”

A man walked into a bar in West Virginia and ordered a root beer. Joe the bartender eyed him suspiciously.

“You ain’t from around these parts, are you, boy?”

“I’m from Ohio,” the traveler replied.

“What line of work are you in?”

“I’m a taxidermist.”

“A taxidermist? What the hell is that?”

“I mount dead animals.”

Joe smiled. “It’s okay, boys,” the barkeep shouted out to the darkened tavern. “He’s one of us!”

Question: Why did God create orgasms?

Answer: So women can moan even when they’re happy. 

Nancy answered the phone only to hear heavy breathing. She was about to hang up when a hoarse voice whispered in her ear, “I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”

“Why, yes!” Nancy exclaimed. “He’s drinking beer and watching TV. Who should I say is calling?”

QUESTION: Why does Laura Bush always get on top?

ANSWER: Because George W. can only fuck up.

A novice golfer came in from her round on the course. A professional golfer, who’d been giving the woman lessons, asked how she did. “Terrible!” she exclaimed. “I got stung by a wasp!”

“Where did it sting you?” the pro asked.

“Between the first and second hole,” the lady replied.

“Well, first of all,” the golf pro muttered, “your stance is too wide.”

Question: Why did it take the Hispanic couple six weeks to drive across the United States?

Answer: Because they kept encountering signs that read, “Clean restrooms.”

Dale noticed a male coworker, Arthur, wearing an earring. Arthur had a reputation as an unusually conservative fellow; so the adornment was surprising. “I didn’t know you were into earrings,” Dale said.

“Don’t make such a big deal of it,” the stodgy man snapped. “Hell, it’s only an earring.”

Dale persisted. “No, come on. How long have you been wearing one?”

Arthur’s jaw clenched. “Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

On an elderly couple’s 50th anniversary, Irene found the negligee she wore on their wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband Butch and asked the retired Marine, “Honey, remember this?”

Butch looked up from his newspaper and replied, “Yes, dear, I do. You wore that negligee the night we were married.”

“Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nodded. “I said, ‘Oh, baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'”

Irene giggled. “That’s exactly what you said. So now it’s 50 years later, and I’m in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?”

Butch looked Irene up and down. “Mission accomplished.”