Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
Dirty jokes for your dirty mind
A man walked into a bar in West Virginia and ordered a root beer. Joe the bartender eyed him suspiciously.
“You ain’t from around these parts, are you, boy?”
“I’m from Ohio,” the traveler replied.
“What line of work are you in?”
“I’m a taxidermist.”
“A taxidermist? What the hell is that?”
“I mount dead animals.”
Joe smiled. “It’s okay, boys,” the barkeep shouted out to the darkened tavern. “He’s one of us!”
Question: Why did God create orgasms?
Answer: So women can moan even when they’re happy.
Nancy answered the phone only to hear heavy breathing. She was about to hang up when a hoarse voice whispered in her ear, “I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”
“Why, yes!” Nancy exclaimed. “He’s drinking beer and watching TV. Who should I say is calling?”
QUESTION: Why does Laura Bush always get on top?
ANSWER: Because George W. can only fuck up.
A novice golfer came in from her round on the course. A professional golfer, who’d been giving the woman lessons, asked how she did. “Terrible!” she exclaimed. “I got stung by a wasp!”
“Where did it sting you?” the pro asked.
“Between the first and second hole,” the lady replied.
“Well, first of all,” the golf pro muttered, “your stance is too wide.”
Question: Why did it take the Hispanic couple six weeks to drive across the United States?
Answer: Because they kept encountering signs that read, “Clean restrooms.”
Dale noticed a male coworker, Arthur, wearing an earring. Arthur had a reputation as an unusually conservative fellow; so the adornment was surprising. “I didn’t know you were into earrings,” Dale said.
“Don’t make such a big deal of it,” the stodgy man snapped. “Hell, it’s only an earring.”
Dale persisted. “No, come on. How long have you been wearing one?”
Arthur’s jaw clenched. “Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”
On an elderly couple’s 50th anniversary, Irene found the negligee she wore on their wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband Butch and asked the retired Marine, “Honey, remember this?”
Butch looked up from his newspaper and replied, “Yes, dear, I do. You wore that negligee the night we were married.”
“Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”
He nodded. “I said, ‘Oh, baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'”
Irene giggled. “That’s exactly what you said. So now it’s 50 years later, and I’m in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?”
Butch looked Irene up and down. “Mission accomplished.”
Al walked into the living room and saw his girlfriend watching a cooking show. “Why are you watching that?” he asked. “You can’t cook!”
“Well,” she replied, “you watch porn.”
There was a young girl
who succumbed to
her lover’s desire.
She said, “It’s a sin,
but now that it’s in,
could you shove it
a few inches higher?”
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