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Humor

Jokes

Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

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I met a Jewess named Naomi,
who I then asked to blow me.
But she glimpsed my foreskin,
and no balls hit her chin.
It seems my poor dick wasn’t kosher.

Adam was drinking with a pal when he muttered, “My wife thinks my dick’s too small, Charlie.”

“How do you know?” Charlie asked.

“She told me to get a penis enlarger,” Adam glumly mumbled.

“My ex-wife told me the same thing,” Charlie said. “So I got one. She was 18 years old, and her name was Sheryl.”

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. As he stepped up to the receptionist, he noticed that the woman looked like a Sumo wrestler. The fogey gave her his name, and she immediately said in a loud voice, “You’re here to see the doctor about impotence, right?”

Everyone else in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the new patient, who had a remarkably quick retort: “No, ma’am! I’ve come to inquire about a sex-change operation, but I don’t want the same doctor that did yours!”

Wealthy heiress Mathilda was starting to feel insecure. “Do you just love me because my father left me a fortune?” the Plain Jane asked her new hubby.

“Of course not!” he exclaimed. “I’d love you no matter who left you a fortune.”

Bill was stunned when he caught his teenage son masturbating in the bathroom. “Lord,” he said to the boy. “Don’t you know that’ll make you go blind.”

“Don’t worry, Dad,” the kid confidently replied. “I’ll stop jerking off right when I need glasses.”

Joe left for work one Friday morning. But instead of going home afterward, he spent the entire weekend partying with his buddies and blowing his entire paycheck.

When Joe finally staggered home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very pissed-off wife, who went on a blistering tirade. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” she asked.

To which Joe responded, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by, and Joe didn’t see his nagging wife. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday came and went with the same result. But on Friday morning the swelling went down just enough that Joe could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye!

Question: What do you call a hundred white men chasing a black guy?

Answer: The pro-golf tour.

If I should die
before I wake,
Bronze my dick
for goodness’ sake.
As for the women
I didn’t screw,
This hard metal cock
is just for you.

Connie hiked to a wishing well on top of a hill, where the cutie encountered a man with tears rolling down his cheeks. “What’s wrong?” she inquired.

“My wife and I came up here to make a wish,” he told her. “I made mine, and then she did hers, but she leaned over too far. She fell in and drowned!”

“Oh my,” Connie gushed. “No wonder you’re so distraught.”

“I’m not distraught,” the man explained. “These are tears of joy. My wish came true right away.”

Bob walked into his new doctor’s office and was greeted by a gorgeous receptionist. “Would you like to tell me your problem?” she asked.

“It’s rather embarrassing,” Bob stammered. “I, uh, have a very large penis, and I’m almost constantly erect.”

“Well, the doctor is very busy today,” the receptionist cooed. “But maybe I can squeeze you in.”

Paul was constantly ashamed of his small pecker. When a chick named Mabel fell in love with him just after his 25th birthday, he was determined to keep her despite his shortcoming. So Paul turned off the lights during sex and used a hot dog as a replacement phallus.

For seven years Mabel never noticed anything amiss. Then one morning she finally caught a whiff of processed meat and gave Paul a tongue-lashing. “You’ve been fucking me with a hot dog this whole time?!” she shrieked.

“Gimme a break,” Paul muttered. “You’ve got your secrets too.”

“Like what?” Mabel hissed. “I don’t keep anything from you.”

“Are you sure about that?” Paul snorted. “I’d like to know where those two kids of ours came from.”

Question: What did the 70-year-old pedophile priest say when he got out of prison?

Answer: I feel like a kid again.

Danny was walking his golden retriever puppy along the beach when a drop-dead-gorgeous blonde walked over. “He’s adorable,” the babe chirped. “What’s his name?”

“Phone Sex,” Danny replied.

“Why the heck would you name a dog Phone Sex!?” the blonde asked.

“Because,” Danny explained, “he comes whenever I call him.”

Question: What does a dominatrix give her best client on his birthday?

Answer: A gag gift.

Cletis was passing by Billy Bob’s barn when he saw the numbskull doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old tractor. Cletis rushed in and howled, “What in the world are ya doin’, Billy Bob?”

“Me and the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom department,” Cletis explained as he continued to shake his ass. “The marriage counselor suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

A hip dude named Dwayne was walking down the street when he ran into his friend Maurice. “Hey, man, what’s with that tuxedo?” Maurice wondered.

“It’s not even lunchtime!” “I’m on my way to get a vasectomy,” Dwayne remarked. “If I’m gon na be impotent, I wanna look impotent.”

Question: What’s a Yankee?

Answer: It’s just like a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Question: What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

Answer: Getting her back into the hospital bed when you’re done.

Jasper shuffled into the kitchen one morning, and the hillbilly’s sourpuss wife asked him how he felt. “I feels good,” Jasper replied.

“But you looks bad,” the missus said.

When Jasper reported for work at the coal mine, his foreman asked him how he felt. “I feels good,” Jasper announced.

“But I gotta say you look bad,” the foreman sneered.

Wondering what was up, Jasper went to see a doctor. “I feels good,” Jasper told him, “but everyone says I look bad.”

“You sure do,” the doctor concurred as he started thumbing through a hefty medical book. “Here it is,” he declared 20 minutes later. “You say you feel good, but everyone says you look bad. Jasper, you’re a vagina!”

Sex is evil.
Sex is a sin.
But sins are forgiven,
So let me stick it in!

Fed up with her husband’s drinking, Marybeth decided to teach Albert a lesson. As usual, he left for his regular watering hole right after dinner, while Marybeth proceeded to stitch together a terrifying devil costume. Hoping to frighten Albert and remind him of his sinful ways, she waited by the front door until he returned. But when Marybeth leapt out at him, the drunkard barely flinched.

“I ain’t scared of you, Satan,” Albert snapped. “I’m married to your sister.”

Looking for his favorite shaving products at a London pharmacy, a Texan tourist named Tim bellowed, “Y’all got any American razor blades in this fancy store? All I see are damn Billettes.”

The British druggist said, “Billette ‘as been producing the finest swords, surgical instruments and razors since before Napoleon’s defeat at Waterloo.”

“I don’t give a damn if they ain’t any good,” Tim snorted.

“I can assure you of their quality, sir,” the peeved Brit muttered. “Just last year my wife accidentally swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, and then it circumcised the gardener. And I still gotten shaves out of that razor.”

HUSTLER Wisdom:
When you think about it, the penis has a pretty rough life. His family’s nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friends are pussies, his hair is always a mess, and—to top it off—the poor little dick’s owner habitually beats him until he vomits.

Lucinda was in her ninth month of pregnancy and unable to deliver the goods in bed. So she gave her horny husband, Enrique, $20 and told him to approach their female neighbor, whose hubby was out of town, with a deal for sex. Enrique went next door without questioning his wife’s motive but came back in a just a few minutes.

“She said it’ll cost at least 50 bucks,” Enrique explained.

“Why that greedy witch!” Lucinda growled. “I never charged her husband that much.”

During a work break, Misty and Amanda were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. “I need to be honest with you,” Misty fessed up. “I’m getting a boobjob.”

“Aw, that’s nothing,” Amanda huffed. “I’m gonna have my asshole bleached!”

“Really?” Misty wondered. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde.”

Question: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

Answer: The hooker stops fucking you after you’re dead.

A cop stopped his patrol car when he saw a couple sitting on the curb. The guy was borderline unconscious, lying on his side with his pants pulled down. The girl had her middle finger in his asshole, poking him with a vengeance. “What the hell’s going on here?!” the lawman asked.

“This is my blind date,” the pretty gal answered. “After I told the guy I wouldn’t spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now he’s too drunk to drive me home, so I’m trying to sober him up by making him puke.”

“That’s not gonna make him puke,” the cop remarked.

“Oh, yeah?” the babe hissed as she resumed finger-blasting the passed-out Romeo’s butthole. “Wait till I put this finger in his mouth.”

In days of old, when knights
were bold, and rubbers
weren’t invented.
They wrapped a sock
around their cock.
And that’s how babies
were prevented.

Fed up with her husband’s drinking, Marybeth decided to teach Albert a lesson. As usual, he left for his regular watering hole right after dinner, while Marybeth proceeded to stitch together a terrifying devil costume. Hoping to frighten Albert and remind him of his sinful ways, she waited by the front door until he returned. But when Marybeth leapt out at him, the drunkard barely flinched. “I ain’t scared of you, Satan,” Albert snapped. “I’m married to your sister.”

After doing ten years in a Nevada prison, John walked out the door with only $20 and the clothes on his back. In dire need of some pussy, he headed to a whorehouse and asked what he could get for 20 bucks. “Let’s see if Ol’ Trailer Park Helen wants a little action,” the snooty madam huffed.

John marched to Helen’s door, and the well-worn fortysomething was willing to do business. “You can lick my pussy for an hour,” she told him.

Without further delay, John yanked off Helen’s crusty panties and went to work. But when he licked her snatch, he got a corn kernel stuck in his teeth. His tongue pushed even deeper and encountered a green bean, then a carrot, then a piece of half-chewed hamburger. At that point, John was too grossed out to continue. “I’m gonna puke!” he yelled.

“Shit!” Helen howled. “That’s exactly what my last customer said.”