Jokes

The end was near for a lifelong scumbag named Edgar. A priest arrived to administer last rites.

“I’m here to save your soul,” the priest announced.

“Okay,” Edgar grumbled on his deathbed. “What do I gotta do?”

“You must renounce the devil and all his teachings,” the priest  beseeched.

“Tell the devil he won’t be getting your soul; tell him to rot in hell forever!”

“Geez, are you sure about that?” Edgar asked. “At a time like this, it doesn’t seem very smart to piss anybody off!”

You can rent my sister
for $2 an hour.
For $1 more she’ll shave,
and she’ll shower.
My mother ain’t bad,
and she’s only $1 more.
But I’ll crush your nuts
if you call either a whore!

empty

A long-haul trucker named Travis stopped at a convenience store late one night.  “I need a package of condoms and a bottle of Wild Turkey,” he told the clerk.

“Will you need a paper bag?” the clerk asked as he got the items together.

Travis turned toward the window and quickly glanced at the lot lizard waiting for him in his truck. “Nah,” he replied. “She ain’t that ugly.”

Waking up on his day off, Rodrigo was greeted by a bright, sunny day. “Honey,” he said, rousting his sexy wife, Rosa. “We’re going fishing today.”

“No way,” Rosa groggily responded, burying herself under the covers.

“Please listen,” Rodrigo told her. “I’m gonna put on some clothes, then load up the van and get the dog. I’ll let you think about it, but you have only two options: You’re coming fishing with me today, or I’m gonna fuck you in the ass before I leave.”

Ten minutes later, Rodrigo was back. “What’d you decide?” he asked his wife.

Thinking quickly, Rosa yanked Rodrigo’s pants down. “I know it wasn’t part of the deal,” she gasped, stroking his cock. “But how about I give you a nice blowjob instead?”

Rodrigo consented. But as soon as Rosa engulfed his prick, she recoiled. “What’s that awful taste?” she snorted.

“Oh, the dog’s not going either,” Rodrigo replied. “I gave him the same choice I gave you.”

When Sally carried her baby onto the city bus, the driver couldn’t help himself. “Man,” he bellowed, “that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

Stunned, Sally paid her fare and took a seat next to an older gent. Noticing the young mother’s dejected expression, he politely asked what was troubling her.

“The bus driver just insulted me,” Sally uttered. “He said the meanest, most untrue thing imaginable.”

“That’s outrageous!” her fellow passenger exclaimed. “You shouldn’t let him get away with that. You should go up there and tell him off.”

“You’re right,” Sally said.

“So do it,” the guy muttered. “I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Jeff was driving his grandfather home from the store in a blinding snowstorm. When the highschool senior almost rearended another car, Gramps demanded that he pull to the side of the road and relinquish the wheel.

“Driving in the snow is like performing oral sex on a woman,” the senior citizen explained in terms he thought a young person would comprehend. “If you don’t do it slowly, you’re gonna end up running into the asshole in front of you.”

There once was 
this fellow McCreeny.
Who spilled some gin
on his wienie.
Just to be couth 
he added vermouth.
Then slipped his girlfriend
a martini.

HUSTLER Wisdom:
Without nipples, knockers would be pointless.

Question: What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?

Answer: A kinky person uses a feather; a pervert uses the whole chicken.

Standing in front of her third-grade class, Mrs. Foreman announced, “Today’s lesson is on words with more than one syllable. Does anyone have an example?”

“Yup!” a tyke yelped, raising his hand. “Masturbate.”

“Very good, Donnie,” Mrs. Foreman remarked as the biddy tried to avoid blushing. “That’s quite a mouthful.”

“No, Mrs. Foreman,” Donnie retorted. “You’re thinking of blowjob.”

When Timmy asked his mom where his intelligence came from, she laughed. “It must’ve come from your father,” she told the whippersnapper. “Because I still have mine!”

Mary came home early and caught her husband screwing a very attractive young chick. “Paul, you are a disrespectful pig!” she hollered. “How dare you do this to me—and in our bedroom? I want a divorce!”

While his lover scrambled to find her clothing, Paul yelled, “Hang on a sec so I can at least tell you what happened!”

“Go ahead,” Mary grunted, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll ever say to me.”

“Well,” Paul began, “I was about to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed she was very thin, and she told me she hadn’t eaten for three days. So I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in minutes.”

As Mary scowled, Paul continued, “Since she needed a good cleanup, I suggested a shower. While she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. I gave her the designer jeans you don’t wear because they’re too tight. I also gave her the sexy blouse you don’t wear because my sister has one just like it and the lingerie I gave you for your anniversary present, which you refuse to wear because they reflect my bad taste. As I walked her to the door, she was so grateful for my help that she had tears in her eyes.”

“But why did you end up sticking your cock in the bitch?!” Mary demanded.

“Right before the girl was going to leave, she asked if there was anything else my wife didn’t have any use for.”

Upon discovering a discrepancy in the compiled data, a researcher named Winston phoned one of the participants in a recent survey about the sex lives of married couples. “So what’s the problem?” the man on the line asked.

“For the frequency-of-intercourse question, you checked the twice-weekly box,” Winston replied. “Whereas your wife wrote down seven times a night.”

“That’s right!” the husband exclaimed. “And that’s how it’s gonna stay until our second mortgage is paid off!”

Question: What do you call a roomful of women—half with PMS and half with yeast infections?

Answer: A whine-and-cheese party.

Question: What do you call someone who drinks prune juice and whisky every morning?

Answer: A regular drunk.

That snobby chick
won’t screw me.
But I found a way
to cope.
I’ll just pretend
it’s really her
While I fuck
a cantaloupe!

Hoping to score a chick, lonely Robbie had been practicing pick-up lines all week. On Saturday night he went to a bar and gave one a try. Spotting a hot brunette in a skimpy outfit, Robbie confidently strutted over to her and asked, “What’s it gonna take for me to get into those panties of yours?”

“Sorry,” the babe muttered. “I’ve already got one asshole in there.”

Little Johnny’s mother decided it was time to tell her son how babies are made, so she had “the talk” with him. Afterward, Johnny just sat there silently for a few minutes. Then he asked for clarification: “So Daddy puts his thing in you, and a baby comes out?” “More or less,” his mom replied. “Do you have any questions?”

“Yes, how about dogs and cats?” Johnny wondered.

“It happens in exactly the same way as with babies,” his mom answered.

“How about penguins and zebras?”

“They reproduce the same way too, Johnny.”

“Wow, Mom!” little Johnny exclaimed. “Daddy will fuck anything!”

A farmer outside Walton, Kansas, recently made history by growing an entire field of organic dildos. The only downside is that he’s had a load of trouble with squatters.

Betty was shopping in a big-box store when middle-aged Steve approached the stunning blonde. “I lost my wife,” he said. “Do you mind if I stand here and talk to you for a while?” “I’m sorry for your loss,” Betty replied.

“But I’m kinda in a hurry.”

“Oh, she’s not dead,” Steve told the doll. “She’s somewhere in the store, and I’ve gotta find her.”

“How will talking to me help?”

“Because,” Steve explained, “every time I’m talking to a hot chick, my wife appears out of nowhere!”

Bill walked in the front door and announced, “Honey, I invited a friend from work over for dinner tonight.”

“Are you crazy?!” his bitchy wife Ann hissed.

“The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, I haven’t taken a shower yet, and frankly I don’t feel like cooking some fancy meal.”

“I know all that,” Bill huffed.

“So why the hell did you invite this guy over?” Ann asked.

“Because the idiot is thinking about getting married.”

Gary came home from work early and caught his wife getting fucked by his best friend.

“Henry, what the hell are you doing?!” he shouted.

“See,” Gary’s wife whispered to Henry. “I told you Gary doesn’t know anything about sex.”

Here I sit in misty vapor
in a shithouse with no paper.
I don’t have time now
to sit and linger.
Watch out, asshole.
Here comes finger!

Question: Why did Marty quit his job at the helium factory?

Answer: Because he refused to be spoken to in that tone.

Question: What’s the difference between the Cleveland Browns and an over-the-hill prostitute?

Answer: Nothing! They both suck for four quarters.

Question: What do cannibals end up doing at a wedding?

Answer: They toast the bride and groom.

Question: What happened to the constipated composer?

Answer: He was unable to finish his last movement.

When it became apparent that the small plane was going to crash, the pilot addressed his terrified passengers. “Does anyone onboard believe in the power of prayer?” he solemnly asked.

“I do,” announced one of the travelers. “I’m a devout Christian.”

“That’s perfect!” the pilot exclaimed. “We’re one parachute short.”