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Humor

Jokes

Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

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When Doug met a hooker in a local pub, she said, “This must be your lucky night. I’ll do anything you want for $300, so long as you can describe it in three words.”

Delighted, Doug immediately pulled three $100 bills from his wallet. With each Benjamin he placed on the bar, he uttered one word: “Paint…my…house.”

Herb sat glumly all evening, eyeing his wife suspiciously. Finally he blurted out, “Blanche, admit it. You’ve been sucking off the damn dog!”

“What?” she shouted. “How can you say such a thing?”

“I’ve been watching you two,” Herb answered. “Every time you yawn, he gets a hard-on.”

A devout family was gathered around the table for its Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny loaded up his plate first and started eating. “Johnny, please wait until everyone’s been served and we’ve said the prayer,” his mother chided.

“I don’t have to!” the boy fired back.

“Of course you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house, Mom! This is Grandma’s house, and she knows how to cook!” 

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when suddenly a young man in a trench coat ran up and flashed them. Two had a stroke. The third couldn’t reach.

A man walked into a bar in West Virginia and ordered a root beer. Joe the bartender eyed him suspiciously.

“You ain’t from around these parts, are you, boy?”

“I’m from Ohio,” the traveler replied.

“What line of work are you in?”

“I’m a taxidermist.”

“A taxidermist? What the hell is that?”

“I mount dead animals.”

Joe smiled. “It’s okay, boys,” the barkeep shouted out to the darkened tavern. “He’s one of us!”

Question: Why did God create orgasms?

Answer: So women can moan even when they’re happy. 

A tall Texan rancher donning a ten gallon Stetson strode into a sleazy cocktail lounge with his buddies. As he passed a veteran waitress bent over wiping a table, he slapped her on the ass and said, “Ah shore do wish ah had a little pussy.”

The waitress glanced up at him without stopping and remarked, “So do I.”

QUESTION: Why does Laura Bush always get on top?

ANSWER: Because George W. can only fuck up.

A novice golfer came in from her round on the course. A professional golfer, who’d been giving the woman lessons, asked how she did. “Terrible!” she exclaimed. “I got stung by a wasp!”

“Where did it sting you?” the pro asked.

“Between the first and second hole,” the lady replied.

“Well, first of all,” the golf pro muttered, “your stance is too wide.”

Nancy answered the phone only to hear heavy breathing. She was about to hang up when a hoarse voice whispered in her ear, “I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”

“Why, yes!” Nancy exclaimed. “He’s drinking beer and watching TV. Who should I say is calling?”

Dale noticed a male coworker, Arthur, wearing an earring. Arthur had a reputation as an unusually conservative fellow; so the adornment was surprising. “I didn’t know you were into earrings,” Dale said.

“Don’t make such a big deal of it,” the stodgy man snapped. “Hell, it’s only an earring.”

Dale persisted. “No, come on. How long have you been wearing one?”

Arthur’s jaw clenched. “Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

Question: Why did it take the Hispanic couple six weeks to drive across the United States?

Answer: Because they kept encountering signs that read, “Clean restrooms.”

On an elderly couple’s 50th anniversary, Irene found the negligee she wore on their wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband Butch and asked the retired Marine, “Honey, remember this?”

Butch looked up from his newspaper and replied, “Yes, dear, I do. You wore that negligee the night we were married.”

“Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nodded. “I said, ‘Oh, baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'”

Irene giggled. “That’s exactly what you said. So now it’s 50 years later, and I’m in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?”

Butch looked Irene up and down. “Mission accomplished.”

Al walked into the living room and saw his girlfriend watching a cooking show. “Why are you watching that?” he asked. “You can’t cook!”

“Well,” she replied, “you watch porn.”

There was a young girl
named Mariah,
who succumbed to
her lover’s desire.
She said, “It’s a sin,
but now that it’s in,
could you shove it
a few inches higher?”