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December 2021

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Humor

Jokes

Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

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Gerty decided she wanted to look younger, so the fiftysomething rounded up a range of cosmetics designed to knock years off her age. She spent five grueling hours applying the various creams and lotions, then emerged from the bathroom and presented herself to her husband.

“Howard, be honest with me,” Gerty cooed. “What age do I look?”

“Let’s see,” Howard retorted, looking her over. “From your skin, I’d say 25; from your hair, 21; from your figure, 33.”

“You’re so sweet,” Gerty gushed.

“Hold your horses, dear!” Howard hollered. “I haven’t added the numbers up yet.”

While shooting the shit with her girlfriend, Mary remarked, “I don’t know what the big deal is about edible panties. After you wear them a couple of days, they taste just like the other ones.”

Thinking that her goldfish had epilepsy, a blonde took it to an animal hospital. A veterinarian watched the thing swim around for a few minutes, then said, “Your goldfish seems calm enough to me.”

“Wait until you take it out of the bowl,” the blonde gasped.

Question: How do you get a Jewish woman to stop having sex?

Answer: Marry her.

David rushed excitedly into his local tavern. “A lady just fainted on the sidewalk!” he yelled to the bartender. “I’m gonna need a double shot of brandy!”

The barkeep hurriedly poured the liquor into a snifter and handed it to the regular. “On the house,” he said.

“Thanks,” David replied before downing the brandy in one gulp. Then he bellowed, “I always get real stressed out when I see someone faint.”

An uptight lawyer carrying a box of frozen crabs boarded an airliner in New Orleans. Right away he asked a flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

“I’m holding you personally responsible for those crabs staying frozen,” the lawyer sternly warned her. “I promised my wife I’d bring some back with me.”

“They’ll be fine, sir,” muttered the flight attendant, who was annoyed by the man’s arrogance. In fact, she couldn’t wait for the plane to land in New York City so she could give the fucker his comeuppance.

A few hours later, as the plane was taxiing toward the terminal, the flight attendant made an announcement over the intercom: “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?” she politely asked.

Not one hand went up. The embarrassed lawyer shuffled off the plane emptyhanded, and the flight attendant took home a scrumptious surprise for her boyfriend.

Here I sit,
butt cheeks a-flexin’
Giving birth
To another Texan.

Question: What’s the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

Answer: You can drop her off anywhere.

A husband and wife were watching a TV show exploring the phenomenon of “mixed emotions.” In a matter of minutes the man of the house fumed, “This is an absolute bunch of crap! I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

The wife’s retort: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.”

Curiosity, it has
been said,
Will lead some women
into bed.
They’ll tease, and
they’ll poke.
They’ll squeeze, and
they’ll stroke.
And even go down
and give head.

A retired couple were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary at a cozy restaurant. Suddenly a puff of smoke appeared. When it dissolved, a gorgeous fairy about as tall as a salt shaker was standing on the table. She looked up and announced, “For being such an exemplary married couple, I will grant you each a wish.”

The wife—who was 62 years of age, just like her husband—exclaimed, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband!” The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! Two tickets for a cruise liner’s around-the-world voyage materialized in the wife’s hands.

The husband pondered for a few moments. Then he looked at his wife and huffed,”Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry, dear, but my wish is to have a wife who’s 30 years younger than I am.”

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband instantly became 92 years old.

Question: What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

Answer: The location of the dirtbag.

Upon opening a long-awaited mail-order package, Gary yelped in joy. “Hey, Mary, my Olympic condoms finally arrived,” he told his nympho girlfriend. “I’m gonna wear a gold one tonight.”

“Why not wear a silver one?” Mary suggested. “You could come second for a change.”

A bill collector went to the home of a hottie who had fallen behind on her furniture payments. “All right, young lady,” the guy muttered as he stepped into her living room. “How about the next installment on your couch?”

The gal shrugged, then said, “I guess that’s better than having to give you some money.”

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 low-cut dress.

“How could you do this!” he bellowed.

“I don’t know,” the wife wailed. “I was just looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was as if the devil were whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'”

“You know how to deal with the devil,” the pastor persisted, “Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!'”

“I did,” the wife pleaded, “but then he told me the dress looked great from back there too!”

While sitting in his lawyer’s office, Rodney was asked, “Do you want the bad news or the terrible news first?”

“Give me the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a photograph worth a half-million dollars,” the lawyer stated.

“That’s the bad news?!” Rodney howled. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“The photo in question shows you boning your mistress.”

A distinguished professor was asked to give a lecture on sex. Upon being introduced, he stood up, cleared his throat and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.” And then he promptly sat down.

Father Patrick invited a pretty young lady working at the hotel desk to his room for dinner when her shift was over. Soon the horny priest was groping the girl.

“Father, please!” the desk clerk protested. “You’re a holy man!”

“It’s okay,” the priest assured her. “It’s written in the Bible.” The girl relented, and the couple banged the whole night.

The next morning the tired clerk asked, “Father? Could I see the Bible passage you mentioned last night?”

Father Patrick found the King James edition in the dresser and pointed to the inside front cover, where somebody had scrawled in pencil, “The girl at the desk puts out.”

Lilly and Tom had just finished screwing when Lilly asked, “If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?”

Tom rolled off his condom, tied a knot in it and flushed it down the toilet. “Well,” he said, “if he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”

Nick had a black eye when he boarded a plane bound for Pittsburgh. He noticed that the guy next to him also had a black eye. Taken aback, Nick said, “Hey, this is a coincidence. Mind if I ask how you got yours?”

His companion shook his head. “Just a silly Freudian slip. See, the ticket agent had these enormous boobs. Instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said, ‘I’d like a ticket to Tittsburgh.’ Pow! She socked me.”

“Mine was a Freudian slip too,” said Nick. “I was at the breakfast table, and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.’ But I accidentally said, “You ruined my life, you fucking bitch.’”

 

An attractive blonde arrived at the casino and made a beeline for the craps table. She bought $25,000 worth of chips and then announced, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.” After stripping down, she rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, mama needs a new car!”

As soon as the dice stopped tumbling, the blonde jumped up and down and squealed, “I won! I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, scooped up her winnings— and her clothes—and quickly departed.

For several minutes the dumbfounded dealers stared at each other. Finally one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The croupier answered, “I don’t know. I thought you were watching the dice.” 

Question: Why did the blonde decide to sell her car?

Answer: She needed gas money.

An old man was driving down the highway when a motorcycle cop pulled him over.

“Was I speeding, Officer?” the geezer asked.

“No, sir, you weren’t,” the policeman answered.

“Then why did you stop me?” the old fart appealed.

“Because your wife fell out of your car a few miles back,” the concerned officer informed him.

“Thank God,” the geriatric driver exhaled. “I thought I was going deaf.”

A married man was bragging about his mistress to his best friend. “What do you need a mistress for?” the buddy asked.

“She breaks up the monogamy,” the married guy replied. 

Josh admitted to his best friend, “Alcohol totally fucks with my judgment. Last night I went home at two with a ten. This morning I woke up at ten with a two.”

A 24-year-old lipstick lesbian went to the gynecologist. She sat in the stirrups, flaunting her rosy, whistle-clean quim. “Young lady,” exclaimed the appreciative doctor, “you certainly have the cleanest vagina I’ve ever examined.”

“Thanks,” said the dyke. “I have a woman in to clean four times a week.”

Question: What do a Christmas tree and a Catholic priest have in common?

Answer: Their balls are just for decoration. 

When Doug met a hooker in a local pub, she said, “This must be your lucky night. I’ll do anything you want for $300, so long as you can describe it in three words.”

Delighted, Doug immediately pulled three $100 bills from his wallet. With each Benjamin he placed on the bar, he uttered one word: “Paint…my…house.”

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines tornado as: Mother Nature giving head.

There were two statues in a park, one depicting a nude man and the other a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for 100 years when one day an angel came down from the sky and brought the two statues to life. The angel told them, “As a reward for enduring a multitude of blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for 30 minutes to do whatever you wish.”

The man looked at the woman, she looked at him, and they went running behind some shrubbery. The angel bided his time as the bushes rustled and giggling ensued. Fifteen minutes later the naked couple returned, out of breath and laughing. The angel said, “You still have 15 minutes left to do whatever you wish.”

The man asked the woman, “Shall we do it again?”

She eagerly replied, “Oh, yes, but let’s change positions. This time I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.”