Bits & Pieces

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February 2022

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Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Back to Humor

Fed up with her husband’s drinking, Marybeth decided to teach Albert a lesson. As usual, he left for his regular watering hole right after dinner, while Marybeth proceeded to stitch together a terrifying devil costume. Hoping to frighten Albert and remind him of his sinful ways, she waited by the front door until he returned. But when Marybeth leapt out at him, the drunkard barely flinched.

“I ain’t scared of you, Satan,” Albert snapped. “I’m married to your sister.”

Looking for his favorite shaving products at a London pharmacy, a Texan tourist named Tim bellowed, “Y’all got any American razor blades in this fancy store? All I see are damn Billettes.”

The British druggist said, “Billette ‘as been producing the finest swords, surgical instruments and razors since before Napoleon’s defeat at Waterloo.”

“I don’t give a damn if they ain’t any good,” Tim snorted.

“I can assure you of their quality, sir,” the peeved Brit muttered. “Just last year my wife accidentally swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, and then it circumcised the gardener. And I still gotten shaves out of that razor.”

When you think about it, the penis has a pretty rough life. His family’s nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friends are pussies, his hair is always a mess, and—to top it off—the poor little dick’s owner habitually beats him until he vomits.

Lucinda was in her ninth month of pregnancy and unable to deliver the goods in bed. So she gave her horny husband, Enrique, $20 and told him to approach their female neighbor, whose hubby was out of town, with a deal for sex. Enrique went next door without questioning his wife’s motive but came back in a just a few minutes.

“She said it’ll cost at least 50 bucks,” Enrique explained.

“Why that greedy witch!” Lucinda growled. “I never charged her husband that much.”

During a work break, Misty and Amanda were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. “I need to be honest with you,” Misty fessed up. “I’m getting a boobjob.”

“Aw, that’s nothing,” Amanda huffed. “I’m gonna have my asshole bleached!”

“Really?” Misty wondered. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde.”

Fed up with her husband’s drinking, Marybeth decided to teach Albert a lesson. As usual, he left for his regular watering hole right after dinner, while Marybeth proceeded to stitch together a terrifying devil costume. Hoping to frighten Albert and remind him of his sinful ways, she waited by the front door until he returned. But when Marybeth leapt out at him, the drunkard barely flinched. “I ain’t scared of you, Satan,” Albert snapped. “I’m married to your sister.”

Question: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

Answer: The hooker stops fucking you after you’re dead.

A cop stopped his patrol car when he saw a couple sitting on the curb. The guy was borderline unconscious, lying on his side with his pants pulled down. The girl had her middle finger in his asshole, poking him with a vengeance. “What the hell’s going on here?!” the lawman asked.

“This is my blind date,” the pretty gal answered. “After I told the guy I wouldn’t spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now he’s too drunk to drive me home, so I’m trying to sober him up by making him puke.”

“That’s not gonna make him puke,” the cop remarked.

“Oh, yeah?” the babe hissed as she resumed finger-blasting the passed-out Romeo’s butthole. “Wait till I put this finger in his mouth.”

In days of old, when knights
were bold, and rubbers
weren’t invented.
They wrapped a sock
around their cock.
And that’s how babies
were prevented.

Marsha woke up with agonizing joint pain, so she went to her doctor. He put her through a battery of tests but couldn’t find anything wrong. “Have there been any recent changes in your lifestyle?” he inquired.

“The only thing I can think of is that I started having sex doggy-style,” Marsha confided. “Could that be causing it?”

“It’s possible,” the doctor replied. “Why don’t you stop and see if the pain goes away?”

“I can’t just stop!” Marsha bellowed. “I need sex or I’ll go nuts!”

“Of course,” the doctor sighed. “Just stop that method.”

“But that’s the only way my dog knows how to fuck!”

There was once a bugger
named Mr. Swoboda,
who refused to pay a whore
what he owed her.
So with great savoir-faire,
she stood on a chair
and pissed in his whiskey
and soda.

After doing ten years in a Nevada prison, John walked out the door with only $20 and the clothes on his back. In dire need of some pussy, he headed to a whorehouse and asked what he could get for 20 bucks. “Let’s see if Ol’ Trailer Park Helen wants a little action,” the snooty madam huffed.

John marched to Helen’s door, and the well-worn fortysomething was willing to do business. “You can lick my pussy for an hour,” she told him.

Without further delay, John yanked off Helen’s crusty panties and went to work. But when he licked her snatch, he got a corn kernel stuck in his teeth. His tongue pushed even deeper and encountered a green bean, then a carrot, then a piece of half-chewed hamburger. At that point, John was too grossed out to continue. “I’m gonna puke!” he yelled.

“Shit!” Helen howled. “That’s exactly what my last customer said.”

Question: Have you heard about the Catholic Abortion Clinic?

Answer: It has a year-long waiting list.

When Harry came back from the doctor, his worrisome wife noticed that he looked a little unsettled. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I guess I should tell you,” Harry replied. “It was just a routine checkup, and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my butt.”

“Oh, my God!” his wife shrieked. “Did he find something bad? Do you have prostate cancer?”

“No, dear” Harry assured her. “But I realized it’s time to find a new dentist.”

Daryl wanted to bone Minerva, the hottest chick in his office, but she had a boyfriend. One day the horndog got so frustrated that he offered her $100. Minerva refused. “I’ll be real fast,” Daryl promised. “I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.”

After pondering a bit, Minerva told Daryl that she had to consult her boyfriend. His brilliant advice? “Ask the guy for $200 and pick up the money really fast. He won’t even be able to get his pants down. Then give me a call.”

Minerva accepted the proposal, but half an hour later the boyfriend was still waiting for her call. Finally, he rang her cellphone. “What the hell happened?!” he barked.

Breathing hard, Minerva gasped, “The son of a bitch had nothing but quarters!”

Question: How do you get a nun pregnant?

Answer: Dress her up as an altar boy.

Question: How are women like takeout fried chicken?

Answer: Once you’ve finished with the breasts and thighs, there’s nothing but a greasy box to put your bone in.

Frank suffered a serious heart attack while shopping for groceries. Paramedics rushed the 50-year-old bachelor to the nearest hospital, where he underwent quadruple bypass surgery.

When Frank woke up, he found himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. A little later, Sister Rufina came to his room and wanted to know how he was going to pay for his treatment. In a raspy voice, Frank said, “No health insurance. No money in the bank.”

Sounding a little testy, Sister Rufina asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you make payments?”

“I only have a spinster sister,” Frank replied, “and she’s broke too. The funny thing is she’s a nun.”

“Nuns are not spinsters!” Sister Rufina snapped. “Nuns are married to God.”

“Perfect!” Frank howled. “Send the bill to my brother-in-law!”

Question: What’s the difference between an inner-city drug dealer and a high-class hooker?

Answer: The hooker can rinse off her crack and sell it again.

Returning home from her blind date with Thomas, Mary was on cloud nine. She happily tore off her clothes in the hallway, tossing them all over the place, and jumped into bed. The next morning, Mary’s roommate asked about her date.

“It was all right,” Mary coyly replied.

“It must have been a lot better than that,” her roomie shot back. “Your panties are still stuck to the wall!”

Question: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Answer: He wiped his ass.

Jill and Dan took their ten-year-old son Timmy with them on a trip to France. One afternoon, ending up at a nude beach, the family decided to go with the flow. Timmy went swimming, but a few minutes later he ran back to his naked mother. “All of those ladies have boobs bigger than yours!” the lad exclaimed.

“There’s a rule for that,” Jill said. “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.” Then Timmy asked, “How come all of the men have wieners bigger than Daddy’s?”

“Same rule applies,” Jill replied. “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

“Look, Mommy!” Timmy squealed as he pointed out his father and a chesty woman facing each other. “Daddy’s talking to the dumbest lady out here, and it’s rubbing off on him! He’s getting dumber and dumber and dumber.”

When Sheila ran into her ex-hubby Brent at a bar a year after their divorce, she was burning with curiosity about his current circumstances. Hoping that the dude’s life had gone down the tubes, she inquired about his well-being.

“To be honest, I’m doing terribly,” Brent grumbled. “I’m depressed as hell, drinking too much and utterly lonely.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Sheila said while fighting the impulse to grin.

“Yeah,” Brent sighed, “I’m fucking miserable. It’s almost like you never left.”

After listening to the elderly prostitute plead her case in his courtroom, newly appointed Judge Davenport wasn’t sure what to do. He called a brief recess and headed to his chambers. En route he bumped into Judge Forbes and asked, “What would you give a 66-year-old hooker?”

“Oh, gosh,” Judge Forbes remarked. “Only 15 or 20 bucks tops.”

Out on a first date,
Barry vowed not to drink.
If he’s gentlemanly,
maybe the chick’ll show pink.
But the lady’s a prude
and thinks her shit don’t stink.
So Barry slunk home
and jerked off in the sink.

Charlie went to a movie and was surprised to find the theater almost empty. There was only a young woman sitting in the back row. Feeling bold, Charlie slid beside her and asked, “Mind if I sit here?” he asked.

“Not at all,” the pretty gal replied.

Once the flick started, Charlie looked over and noticed that she had both hands under her skirt and was furiously rubbing her crotch. “Can I help?” Charlie asked.

The chick smiled, grabbed his right hand and stuffed it under her panties. Charlie fingered her until he got tired and withdrew his hand. But he felt lousy when the babe quickly put her own hands back down there. “Wasn’t I good enough?” Charlie asked.

“You did fine,” she cooed. “But these crabs are still making me itch like hell.”

A burp is merely
a gust of wind
coming straight from
the heart.
But if it takes
the southern route,
it’ll come out
as a stinky fart.

Paul and Stacey had been married for three years, and the honeymoon phase was definitely over. One morning the young couple had another whale of a spat. As Paul was leaving for work, he got in a parting shot: “You’re lousy in bed!”

Hours later, while sitting at his desk, Paul started to feel bad about what he’d said to his wife. He called her to apologize, but the phone rang and rang and rang. Finally, Stacey picked up. “Sorry,” she huffed. “I was in bed.”

“Why the hell are you still in bed?!” Paul exclaimed. “It’s almost noon!”

“I was getting a second opinion,” his spouse replied.

Question: What did the mathematician do when he got constipated?
Answer: He worked it out with a pencil.