Bits & Pieces

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Dirty jokes for your dirty mind


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February 2022

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Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Back to Humor

Question: What do you give a man who has everything?

Answer: Antibiotics.

Joe finally scored a date with Emma and picked the sexy babe up at her parents’ home. He’d scrounged enough money to dine at a fancy restaurant, where Emma ordered the most expensive items on the menu: shrimp cocktail, lobster and champagne.

A little taken aback, Joe asked, “Does your mother feed you like that at home?”

“No,” Emma replied, “but my mother’s not expecting a blowjob tonight.”

Joe then politely queried, “What would you like for dessert?”

Two teachers took a bunch of fourth- and fifth-graders on a field trip to a Kentucky landmark. They would be spending the day at a world-famous racetrack, where they’d learn about thoroughbred horses and watch them run.

As the hours passed, the children had to relieve themselves. It was decided that the girls would go with Mrs. Brown, while the boys would go with Miss Lacy, who was much younger and prettier.

Miss Lacy was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that he and the others weren’t tall enough to use the urinals. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the boys one by one so they could pee. As Miss Lacy lifted one little guy from behind, she couldn’t help but notice that he was well-hung. Trying not to let him know that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the fifth grade.”

“No, ma’am,” the small fry replied. “I’m in the seventh race, riding Wistful Widow, but I appreciate your help!”

When Iris noticed her first pubic hairs, she asked her mom, “Why is my monkey getting fuzzy?”

“It’s a sign that you are growing up,” Iris’s mom explained. “Be proud that your monkey has finally started to grow hair.”

During dinner, Iris proudly announced, “My monkey has started growing hair.”

“That’s nothing to brag about,” her older sister huffed. “Mine is eating bananas.”

One blustery evening a cheapskate millionaire was about to walk out the door. “Jackie,” he barked at his wife, “put your hat and coat on!”

“Are you taking me out for a few drinks at the bar, darling?” Jackie asked.

“Nah, I’m just turning the heat off while I’m out.”

A doctor asked a pregnant prostitute if she knew the identity of the father.

“Doc,” the hooker retorted, “if you ate a can of beans, would you be able to say which one made you fart?”

I met a Jewess named Naomi,
who I then asked to blow me.
But she glimpsed my foreskin,
and no balls hit her chin.
It seems my poor dick wasn’t kosher.

Mary was a very sheltered 18-year-old who was finally going on her first date. But her mother had some stern advice: “Don’t let the man put a hand up your dress.” Mary promised to obey.

After going into town for dinner and a movie, Mary and her date were parked in a lover’s lane. The dude made the first move, trying to put a hand up the chick’s dress. She stopped him, then said, “I promised my mother that I wouldn’t let you put your hand up my dress. But you can put your hand down the back of my dress, and it’s the second hole you come to!”

Grant told his pal at the bar, “My ex-wife brought religion into my life.”

“Oh, yeah?” his buddy remarked.

“Yeah,” Grant muttered. “I never believed in Hell until after we got married.”

Question: What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates?

Answer: A tearjerker.

A pedestrian walking rather gingerly was stopped by a police officer a little past 2 a.m. and asked where he was going.

The man said, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the health risks associated with smoking and staying out late.”

The befuddled cop went, “Really?! Who’s giving that lecture in the middle of the night?”

“That would be my wife,” the man replied.

Adam was drinking with a pal when he muttered, “My wife thinks my dick’s too small, Charlie.”

“How do you know?” Charlie asked.

“She told me to get a penis enlarger,” Adam glumly mumbled.

“My ex-wife told me the same thing,” Charlie said. “So I got one. She was 18 years old, and her name was Sheryl.”

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. As he stepped up to the receptionist, he noticed that the woman looked like a Sumo wrestler. The fogey gave her his name, and she immediately said in a loud voice, “You’re here to see the doctor about impotence, right?”

Everyone else in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the new patient, who had a remarkably quick retort: “No, ma’am! I’ve come to inquire about a sex-change operation, but I don’t want the same doctor that did yours!”

Wealthy heiress Mathilda was starting to feel insecure. “Do you just love me because my father left me a fortune?” the Plain Jane asked her new hubby.

“Of course not!” he exclaimed. “I’d love you no matter who left you a fortune.”

Bill was stunned when he caught his teenage son masturbating in the bathroom. “Lord,” he said to the boy. “Don’t you know that’ll make you go blind.”

“Don’t worry, Dad,” the kid confidently replied. “I’ll stop jerking off right when I need glasses.”

Joe left for work one Friday morning. But instead of going home afterward, he spent the entire weekend partying with his buddies and blowing his entire paycheck.

When Joe finally staggered home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very pissed-off wife, who went on a blistering tirade. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” she asked.

To which Joe responded, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by, and Joe didn’t see his nagging wife. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday came and went with the same result. But on Friday morning the swelling went down just enough that Joe could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye!

Question: What do you call a hundred white men chasing a black guy?

Answer: The pro-golf tour.

If I should die
before I wake,
Bronze my dick
for goodness’ sake.
As for the women
I didn’t screw,
This hard metal cock
is just for you.

Connie hiked to a wishing well on top of a hill, where the cutie encountered a man with tears rolling down his cheeks. “What’s wrong?” she inquired.

“My wife and I came up here to make a wish,” he told her. “I made mine, and then she did hers, but she leaned over too far. She fell in and drowned!”

“Oh my,” Connie gushed. “No wonder you’re so distraught.”

“I’m not distraught,” the man explained. “These are tears of joy. My wish came true right away.”

Bob walked into his new doctor’s office and was greeted by a gorgeous receptionist. “Would you like to tell me your problem?” she asked.

“It’s rather embarrassing,” Bob stammered. “I, uh, have a very large penis, and I’m almost constantly erect.”

“Well, the doctor is very busy today,” the receptionist cooed. “But maybe I can squeeze you in.”

Cletis was passing by Billy Bob’s barn when he saw the numbskull doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old tractor. Cletis rushed in and howled, “What in the world are ya doin’, Billy Bob?”

“Me and the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom department,” Cletis explained as he continued to shake his ass. “The marriage counselor suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

A hip dude named Dwayne was walking down the street when he ran into his friend Maurice. “Hey, man, what’s with that tuxedo?” Maurice wondered.

“It’s not even lunchtime!” “I’m on my way to get a vasectomy,” Dwayne remarked. “If I’m gon na be impotent, I wanna look impotent.”

Question: What’s a Yankee?

Answer: It’s just like a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Question: What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

Answer: Getting her back into the hospital bed when you’re done.

Jasper shuffled into the kitchen one morning, and the hillbilly’s sourpuss wife asked him how he felt. “I feels good,” Jasper replied.

“But you looks bad,” the missus said.

When Jasper reported for work at the coal mine, his foreman asked him how he felt. “I feels good,” Jasper announced.

“But I gotta say you look bad,” the foreman sneered.

Wondering what was up, Jasper went to see a doctor. “I feels good,” Jasper told him, “but everyone says I look bad.”

“You sure do,” the doctor concurred as he started thumbing through a hefty medical book. “Here it is,” he declared 20 minutes later. “You say you feel good, but everyone says you look bad. Jasper, you’re a vagina!”

Sex is evil.
Sex is a sin.
But sins are forgiven,
So let me stick it in!

Paul was constantly ashamed of his small pecker. When a chick named Mabel fell in love with him just after his 25th birthday, he was determined to keep her despite his shortcoming. So Paul turned off the lights during sex and used a hot dog as a replacement phallus.

For seven years Mabel never noticed anything amiss. Then one morning she finally caught a whiff of processed meat and gave Paul a tongue-lashing. “You’ve been fucking me with a hot dog this whole time?!” she shrieked.

“Gimme a break,” Paul muttered. “You’ve got your secrets too.”

“Like what?” Mabel hissed. “I don’t keep anything from you.”

“Are you sure about that?” Paul snorted. “I’d like to know where those two kids of ours came from.”

Question: What did the 70-year-old pedophile priest say when he got out of prison?

Answer: I feel like a kid again.

Danny was walking his golden retriever puppy along the beach when a drop-dead-gorgeous blonde walked over. “He’s adorable,” the babe chirped. “What’s his name?”

“Phone Sex,” Danny replied.

“Why the heck would you name a dog Phone Sex!?” the blonde asked.

“Because,” Danny explained, “he comes whenever I call him.”

Question: What does a dominatrix give her best client on his birthday?

Answer: A gag gift.