Jokes

Buck was explaining how reincarnation works to his wife. “The only rule is, when you die, you always come back as a different creature.”

The wife nodded her head in understanding. “In that case, I’d like to come back as a cow.”

Buck just sighed.“You obviously weren’t listening.” 

Two priests were using the urinals in the Vatican when one looked down at the other’s penis and noticed there was a nicotine patch on it. So he turned to his fellow vicar and said, “I believe you’re supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not on your penis.”

“Hey, never you mind. It’s working just fine,” the second priest replied. “I’m down to two butts a day.” 

Matt went into a store to buy condoms. “Do you want a bag?” the cashier asked.

“Nah,” Matt said. “She’s not that ugly.” 

Question: What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch?

Answer: A slut will fuck anybody. A bitch will fuck anybody but you. 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing, it came down to three candidates, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside you’ll find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”

“You can’t be serious!” the man gasped. “I could never shoot my wife!”

“Then you’re not the right man for the job,” the agent told him. “Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same order. He took the gun, went into the room, and all was quiet for about five minutes. When he came out, he had tears in his eyes. “I tried,” he whimpered, “but I can’t kill my wife.” He was told to leave immediately. Finally it was the woman’s turn.

Given the same instructions, she took the gun and entered the room. Shots rang out, one after the other. Then came screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes all was quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks,” she stated. “I had to kill him with the chair.” 

A tough old admiral snarled to a lowly seaman, “I suppose that after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can piss on my grave.”

“N—n—not me, Admiral,” the seaman stuttered. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!” 

Question: How do you know Jesus Christ was Jewish?

Answer: He lived at home until he was 30, and his mother thought he could walk on water.

Here’s to the girls in
high heel shoes
who snort our coke
and drink our booze.
They don’t have
a cherry, but
that’s no sin.
They still have the box
the cherry came in.

Bill fell in love with his best friend’s wife and told him so, then suggested that they settle things like the good friends they’d always been. “How about we play a round of gin rummy? If I win, you divorce Darlene so I can marry her. If you win, I promise to forget all about your wife and never see her again. Is it a deal?”  

“All right by me,” agreed his friend.   “But how about a nickel a point to make it interesting?”   

When Ted saw a gorgeous brunette sitting alone at the bar, he approached her and asked, “Would you have sex with me for $10,000?”  

The brunette thought for a minute and nodded her head yes.  

Ted then inquired if she would bed him for $100. Disgusted, the beauty shouted, “What kind of woman do you think I am?”  

“We’ve already established that,” Ted calmly answered. “Now I’m just negotiating the price.”

Question: How do you get ten fat cows into your basement?

Answer: Hold a Tupperware party.

Prime Minister Putin called President Obama with an emergency: “Our only condom factory exploded,” Putin cried. “This is a true catastrophe!”  

“Mr. Putin,” Obama stated solemnly, “the American people will do anything  within their power to help.”  

“I do need help,”admitted Putin.“Please, could you send over a million condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?”  

“Of course,” said Obama.  

“Oh, and one small favor,” added the Russian, “could the condoms be red and at least ten inches long and four inches in   diameter?”  

“No problem,” replied Obama, and with that he hung up, then called America’s biggest condom manufacturer. “I need a favor,” he told the CEO. “You’ve got to send one million condoms to Russia right away.”  

“Consider it done,” the CEO said.  

“Great! Now listen,” Barack continued, “they have to be red, ten inches long and four inches wide.”  

“Easy to do. Anything else?”  

“Yes,” said the President. “Print ‘Made in America, size small’ on each one.”

Question: Why was the blonde upset when she got her driver’s license?

Answer: Because she got an F in sex.

Jack was always texting while driving, but one day, while on his way to town with his wife, a state trooper spotted him and pulled his ass over. “You were texting while driving,” the officer asserted.  

“No, I wasn’t,” Jack argued. “But don’t take my word for it. Ask my wife.”  

“That true, ma’am?” the trooper asked.  

“Officer, I’ve been married to this man for 20 years. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this,” she declared. “Never   argue with him when he’s drunk.”   

There once was a
stripper named Jane
who knew how to
make it rain.
She’d lie on her back
and open her crack,
and the men
would all go insane.

Al received the following text from his neighbor: “I’ve been riddled with guilt, and I have to confess. I’ve been tapping your wife day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.”

Feeling anguished and betrayed, Al went into the bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later a second text came in: “Damn auto-correct. I mean ‘wifi,’ not ‘wife.’”

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines irony as having your mother call you a son of a bitch.

The Pope and Rob Ford died at the same time and met on the way to their respective destinations. After a brief discussion they proceeded on, but due to some mistake, Ford wound up in heaven and the Pope went to hell. After a few hours the error was caught, and they again met on the way to their final resting places. The Pope exclaimed, “Boy, I was worried for a while. I always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.”

Ford replied, “Sorry, you’re too late.”

During the day a deaf couple could easily communicate through sign language, but at night, in bed, the darkness caused confusion. To fix this, the woman came up with a plan: “Reach over and squeeze my boob once if you want sex or twice if you’re not in the mood,” she signed.

“That’s a great idea,” her hubby signed back. “Likewise, if you want sex, reach over and pull my dick once. And if you’re not in the mood, pull it 50 times.”

Question: What’s the best thing about flash mobs?

Answer: One grenade gets them all.

Ann had just given birth to a baby when she noticed her obstetrician’s solemn expression.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, alarmed.

“Your baby is a hermaphrodite,” said the doctor.

“What’s that?” Ann demanded.

“It means your baby has both male and female parts,” the doc explained.

“Oh my God, that’s wonderful!” the new mother cried. “You mean it has both a penis and a brain?”

Schwartz went to see his rabbi. “I think my wife is poisoning me,” he said, upset.

The rabbi responded, “I’ll tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out, and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the rabbi called him: “I spoke to your wife on the phone for over three hours.”

“Do you have any advice for me?” Schwartz asked.

“Yes. Take the poison.”

There was a young
lady at sea
who said, “God, it
hurts me to pee.”
“I see,” said the mate.
“That accounts for
the state
of the captain,
the purser and me!”

One night George barged into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and stood in front of his wife.

“This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache,” he said.

The wife looked at him, puzzled. “But that’s a sheep under your arm.”

“I wasn’t talking to you.” 

Question: Why do men always name their cocks?

Answer: Because they don’t want a stranger making all their decisions.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

“Is that you, little Joey Pagano?” the priest asked.

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who is the girl you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, son, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Teresa Mazzarelli?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Nina Capelli, then? Or perhaps Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Come now, Joey, was it Francesca DiAngelo?”

“Please, Father, no! I can’t tell you!”

The priest sighed in frustration. “You’re tight-lipped, son, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and need to atone. So you cannot be an altar boy for four months. Now go on and behave yourself.”

Joey walked back to his pew, where his good friend Franco slid over and whispered, “So what’d you get?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads.” 

Jim texted his wife: “Honey, I got hit by a car coming out of the office parking lot. Paula took me to the hospital, where they ran tests and took Xrays. The blow to the head is serious and may have lasting effects. I have three broken ribs, a spinal injury, multiple lacerations, a broken left leg, and they are talking about amputating my right foot.”

His wife texted back, “Who’s Paula?” 

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines making love as something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

The church gossip Mildred had a bad habit of sticking her nose into other people’s business. One day she accused Bill, a new congregation member, of being an alcoholic, saying she saw his car parked in front of the town’s lone bar for hours. She made a huge scene, telling Bill that everyone who saw it parked there knew exactly what he was up to.

Bill, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. But later that evening Bill quietly parked his car in Mildred’s drive way, walked home and left it there all night.