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June 2022

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Sex Is My Cardio
Featured Article

Sex Is My Cardio

No, you can’t screw your way to a skinnier you—but physical training can boost your sex drive, and the right sex positions can help you burn more calories in bed. Here’s your guide if you want to be fucking healthy.

A hefty slab of lard-ass America is finding its way to the gym these days in pursuit of health and wellness. Many people believe that they must live better than the generations before them—otherwise, they’re faced with certain doom. So they tossed out the pizza and Jim Beam, stopped doing all the cocaine, put Fitbits around their wrists and started hitting the gym, hellbent on living a less debauched lifestyle. 

Another part of the population is skipping the gym entirely. They’ve stared into the sky crying out to the gawds of inbred genetics, “To hell with you, bastards, you won’t win!” They have rebelled against curls and crunches and taken a coital approach. If you ask them, sex alone is all they need to keep their taut physiques intact. 

“Sex is ideal for staying in shape,” Christian, a 31-year-old aspiring film director from Greenville, Wisconsin, tells HUSTLERMagazine.com. “I basically eat what I want, drink more than I probably should, and the only workout I get is banging it out a few times a week. I should probably weigh close to 900 lbs. by now, but I’ve kept a lean 155-lb. frame. Fucking deserves all the credit.”

But does it, really?

Unfortunately, probably not. Sex doesn’t burn as many calories as some have been led to believe. Last year, researchers found the average sex session burns only around 100 calories in men and 69 for women—not nearly enough to work off the seven beers it took to get them into bed in the first place. Not even the most raucous sexual encounter is a rigorous enough workout for muscle tone and weight loss. 

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