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July 2024

Patriotism = Free Speech
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Sex by the Numbers
Featured Article

Sex by the Numbers

If you feel like your boning body count doesn’t quite measure up, here’s the good news: You’re probably not as far below average as you think. Now here’s the better news: We’re here to help you get closer to the number you wish you had.

Hang around a tavern or any place where manly men go to relish in  dude shit with other guys, and it won’t take long before one of those wild bastards starts rambling incessantly about how many “chicks” he’s banged in his day. From there, the proverbial cooter-bagging contest is on! Every man within shouting distance, even those nodding off in the urinals, will chime in, trying to outshine every other swinging dick in the room. 

Being boastful about how many women they’ve had sex with, for some dudes, is just one of the responsibilities of owning a set of balls. It is what establishes the pecking order in any beer-swilling tribe of walking hard-ons, a critical detail that officially anoints the alpha and leaves the less lucky guys on bended knee next to their respective barstools, hoping to catch a smidgen of useful information they can apply to help them get more pussy.

The thing is, a lot of the sexual jibber-jabber spewing from the lips of these bragging bros is over-exaggerated caca. Men tend to fudge the numbers a little—and often a lot—when it comes to how many women they’ve slept with. “Usually when a man says how many women he has banged, you divide by three,” Mary, a 42-year-old data entry clerk from Laurens, South Carolina, tells us. “No man is capable of being honest about his number.”

Perhaps this is why the folks at Manual, an online prescription drug resource for men, attempted to get to the bottom of all this business surrounding the global pussy takedown. Did they learn anything? Oh man, did they ever. The survey found that the average American dude really only sleeps with around 11 different ladies in his lifetime. We’ll give you a second to process that. 

This conclusion was met with disbelief even by one of the women we spoke to. “Fuck, I’ve slept with more than 11 women, and I date men,” howls Amber, a 35-year-old from Indianapolis, Indiana. “That seems low.”

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