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June 2022

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Damn, That Hurts!
Featured Article

Damn, That Hurts!

When ecstasy leads to agony—we explore the painful occasionally humorous world of sex injuries.

Love hurts, the old cliché goes, and sure, of course it does—like a budget prostate exam given in a back alley by a homeless man with freakishly long fingers and a staph infection. But enough about the emotional turmoil; there’s another type of discomfort that can occur when hooking up with another person. It’s called physical pain.

Fucking-A, buddy, sometimes when we get our pickles tickled, things get a little rough and rowdy. Pleasure can quickly lead to injury and, in some cases, even death. We’re talking sore assholes and tetanus shots, third-degree burns and emergency surgery. 

The good news is, it is actually quite rare to drop dead during sex. Evidently, the Grim Reaper isn’t trying to snuff out super-aggressive humpers with massive heart attacks. A report in the National Library of Medicine shows that death only gets about ten of you fuckers every year, and it’s typically those knocking boots with a lady of the evening. 

“Most of the deaths took place during or after sexual intercourse or manual stimulation,” the study reads. “In most cases sudden death occurred during the sexual act with a prostitute.” An emergency room nurse we talked to on the promise of anonymity confirmed that ERs see very few cases of sex-induced coronaries. 

Okay, so fatal fornication might be rare, but humping is not always without harm. There are thousands of cases of sex-induced injuries every year—men breaking their junk, women ripping their snatches, pulled muscles, carpet burns, and weird objects getting stuck in this or that orifice. People have had to seek emergency medical treatment after jamming all sorts of stuff up their asses, like carrots, screwdrivers and light bulbs. Regardless of whether the sex is between two consenting adults or a solo performance, doing the deed can be freaking dangerous. 

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