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July 2024

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Boning the Help: A Cautionary Tale
Featured Article

Boning the Help: A Cautionary Tale

Sure, banging your hot maid might be tempting, but be forewarned; it can lead to a very messy situation in more ways than one.

Everyone needs a little help from time to time. Be it cleaning the house, babysitting the kids, walking the dog or making beer runs when the lord of the manor gets too hammered to drive, it is often necessary to employ the assistance of others to hold down the fort. Otherwise, the dishes would pile up, and so would the dog shit. The kids would become punk-ass degenerates and the proprietor of the estate would probably find himself in a ditch somewhere with a 12-ounce bottle stuck halfway up his ass. Make no mistake; good help is a valued commodity.  

These business relationships are supposed to be kept strictly professional. Hired hands are expected to show up for work to perform the tasks detailed in their job description. If they uphold their end of the deal, they get a paycheck at the end of the week for a sterling performance along with, perhaps, a “have a nice weekend” tossed in. End of transaction. See you Monday. There’s not supposed to be any googly-eyed exchanges, no grab-ass, and no discussions about starting life over together in Costa Rica.

In reality, sexual tensions tend to run high in scenarios involving the household staff–maybe even more than any other dynamic between boss and subordinate. Who knows why? The urge to hump the housekeeper could be driven by the home-court advantage, or perhaps it’s just easy access to a bedroom and tasty post-porking snacks. What we’ve come to understand, however, is if there is so much as a smidgen of sexual attraction between, say, Mr. Smith and his maid, look the fuck out. The scene has real potential to go from zero to down-on-all-fours fast.

It’s no secret, of course, that every man’s spank-bank fantasy is to bone the super-hot, ultra-sexy, seemingly slutty, barely legal babysitter after a night out with the wife. But be careful out there, gentlemen. These supplemental fraternizations of the flesh have a way of turning disastrous.  

“My wife and I hired this 19-year-old college student one summer to watch the kids while we were at work,” Robert, a 52-year-old real estate broker from Lafayette, Louisiana, tells “I was attracted to her from the start. She was pretty, with sex appeal, kind of like that actress from The Hunger Games. I never thought she would threaten my relationship or anything, seeing as my wife and I were both out of the house most of the time. Usually, when I got home from work in the evening, the wife was already home, and the girl was long gone.”

Little did Robert know, he had unwittingly climbed onto temptation’s wing and was swooping toward his demise at shit-whipping speeds. “I got home early one afternoon after a meeting—hours before my wife—and there she was on my couch, watching TV. The kids were upstairs taking a nap. I went up to check on them, and when I came back downstairs, she was leaning against the back of the couch, giving me this look. I think I asked her if anything was wrong,” he recalls. “She wanted to know if I thought she was pretty and if a guy like me could ever be with a girl like her. At that moment, I wanted her more than anything.”

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