Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
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A little girl went to the barbershop with her father. As he was getting his hair cut, she stood right next to the chair, eating a snack cake.
Looking down, the barber cautioned, “You’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.”
“I know,” the girl squealed. “I’m gonna get tits too!”
Question: Why does it take 400,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
Answer: So few ask for directions.
A little old lady walked into a biker bar and found the meanest-looking hombre in the place. Stepping up to him, she said, “I’d like to ride with your crew.”
“You can’t ride with us,” the biker snarled. “Where’s your bike?”
The biddy pointed to a Harley parked outside and said, “That’s my bike.”
“That’s a fine ride,” the biker noted, “but we’re mean bastards. You’re not mean enough to ride with us.”
Suddenly the gal coldcocked the guy standing behind her with her purse, poked his nuts with her cane and kicked his head as he fell to the floor.
“Hey, that’s pretty mean,” the biker grunted. “But have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The little old lady thought for a moment, then replied, “Naw, but I’ve been swung around by my titties a few times.”
Question: When is a man thinking about sex?
Answer: Whenever he’s talking to a woman.
Rosie was relaxing on a park bench when a young fella plopped down on the other end. Being a friendly sort, she asked, “How do you like to spend your free time?”
“I stalk,” the guy replied.
“Really?” Rosie chirped. “I enjoy walks in the park and going to movies.”
“Yes, I know,” the dude said.
After their first date, LuEllen and Matt were undressing in her bedroom when she spotted a NIKE tattoo on the dude’s right shoulder. Then, as he took off more clothing and his socks, she saw REEBOK tattooed on an ankle.
This guy’s got a sports brand fetish, LuEllen thought.
When Matt was stark naked, Lu-Ellen—who was down to her bra and panties—recoiled in horror. AIDS was tattooed on his flaccid cock.
“No way am I going near that damn thing!” she shrieked.
“Relax, baby!” Matt exclaimed. “In a minute it’ll say ADIDAS!”
Bill admitted to his best friend, “All of the thrill is gone from my marriage, Randy.”
“So why not add some intrigue to your boring life and have an affair?” Randy suggested.
“What if my wife finds out?” Bill asked.
“Hell, this is a new age we live in,” Randy replied. “Go ahead and just tell her about it.”
Bill rushed home, walked in the door and immediately announced, “Honey, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I think having an affair will help bring us closer together.””
“Forget it,” his wife snorted. “I’ve already tried that. It didn’t fuckin’ work!”
On a visit to the barber, Walt asked if he had any remedies to cure
his baldness.
“It might sound kinda strange, but the best thing I’ve found is a gal’s Vaginal juices,” the barber confided.
“Shit, you’re balder than I am!” Walt yelped.
The barber shot back, “But you must admit, I’ve got a great mustache!”
Jason and Abby returned from their honeymoon, and it was obvious to everyone that the newlyweds weren’t talking to each other. Clint, Jason’s best man, took him aside and asked what was wrong.
“Well, Abby and I made love on our wedding night without any problems,” Jason explained. “But as I got up to take a leak, I put a $100 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” Clint said. “I’m sure Abby will get over it soon enough. She couldn’t have expected you to save your viriginity while she kept you waiting to get it on!”
Jason nodded, then remarked, “I don’t know if I can get over this though. Abby gave me $20 change.”
After taking golf lessons for two weeks, Paula felt ready for her first round. But while out on the course the young woman was stung by a bee. The pain was so intense that Paula headed back to the clubhouse.
On the way she ran into her instructor, Bill. Noticing her discomfort, the golf pro asked, “What’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee,” Paula whined.
“Where?”
“Between the first and second hole,” Paula replied.
Bill nodded knowingly and said, “Your feet were too far apart.”
Betty went to the cemetery every Saturday to water the flowers on her husband’s grave. After the widow was finished, she always walked backward to her car. One day her friend Sally came along on the cemetery jaunt. As they were leaving the grave, Sally asked, “Why are you walking backward?”
“When Harry was alive,” Betty explained, “he often told me, ‘You’ve got such a great ass, it could bring a dead man back to life.’ I’m not taking any chances.”
Question: How do you know when you’ve had a great blowjob?
Answer: You have to burp the cocksucker to get your balls back.
Todd went to his psychiatrist and 11 exclaimed, “Doc, you’ve got to help me! My wife is unfaithful. Every Friday night she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she’ll fuck anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” the shrink advised. “Take a deep breath and calm down.”
“Okay, Doc,” Todd responded. He took a deep breath and tried to chill.
“Now, tell me,”the psychiatrist weighed in. “Where exactly is Larry’s Bar?”
Alan was arrested for embezzlement and thrown in jail. The first night he shared a cell with a huge redneck named Bubba. “Yo, little man, you got a choice,” Bubba grunted.
“Choice of what?” Alan meekly asked. “You can be my husband or my wife,” the redneck proposed.
After pondering the situation, Alan said, “I guess I’d rather be your husband.”
“Oat’s cool,” Bubba barked. “Now come over here and suck your wife’s big, fat dick.”
Grace said to James, her fiance, “I already told you no sex before marriage.”
“But you had sex with Mike, Greg, Rex and Toby,” James pointed out.
“I didn’t plan to marry those guys!” Grace shot back.
Question: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
Answer: After five years your job will still suck.
Dawn told her doctor, “My bottom hurts a lot right around the entrance.”
“Young lady, your anus is an exit,” the doctor cited. “As long as you call it an entrance, it will hurt.”
Little Johnny dashed home one afternoon and, short of breath, told his mother, “I was at the playground and saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look for them and saw Daddy giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her dress, and she helped Daddy take his pants off.”
Johnny’s mom cut him off and said, “This is such an interesting story, save the rest for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when he finds out what you saw.”
At the dinner table, Johnny’s mother asked the lad to tell his story. He began with the car driving into the woods, the smooch and the undressing. “Then Aunt Jane lay down on the seat,” Johnny recounted, “and she and Daddy did the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Richard used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
Question: What’s a woman’s asshole doing when she’s having an orgasm?
Answer: Usually hanging out with his friends.
Joe walked into a bar, sat down and asked, “Hey, bartender, got any specials today?”
“As a matter of fact, we do,” the barkeep replied. “We have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It’s a mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff vodka.”
“Geez,” Joe gasped, “what the hell is that?”
The bartender muttered, “We call it a Pabst Smir.”
Question: Why do many men have a foot fetish?
Answer: Because they lost their virginity to a sock.
A man went to a bordello. Once in the hooker’s room, he put a $100 bill on her bed and dropped his pants and boxers. The whore nearly fainted when she saw the guy’s 19-inch dick.
“No way is that thing of yours going in my pussy!” the working girl exclaimed. “I’ll lick it and suck it, honey, but that’s all.”
“Fuck that!” the man bellowed, taking back his hundred bucks. “I can do all that myself!”
Question: What do Vladimir Putin and a stiff prick have in common?
Answer: Neither has a conscience.
An old man named Fred was sitting on a bench at the mall. A few minutes later a young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors—green, red, orange, blue, yellow. The geezer just stared at him.
The punk said sarcastically, “What’s the matter, Gramps? Never done anything wild in your life?”
Without batting an eye, Fred replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my fuckin’ kid.”
Question: If a bluebird has blue babies, and a blackbird has black babies, what bird has no babies?
Answer: A swallow.
A young lad went to confession. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he said. “I have been with a loose girl.”
“Is that you, Joey?” the priest asked.
“Yes, Father.”
“And who was the girl you were with?” the priest inquired.
“I cannot say,” Joey replied.
“Was it Theresa?”
“I’ll never tell,” Joey responded.
“Nina? Cathy? Rosa?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you the girl’s name,” Joey insisted.
“You’re very tight-lipped,” the priest asserted, “and I admire that. But you have sinned and must atone. You cannot be an altar boy for three months. Now go and behave yourself.”
Joey took off and met up with his best friend, who asked, “What did you get this time?”
“A three-month vacation and four really good leads.”
“Men will fuck anything,” opined Frank’s wife, who used cucumbers, zucchinis, carrots, corn cobs, TV remotes, water bottles, knife handles, 17 different toys and a handheld shower head to masturbate.
Three mice hanging out in a bar were trying to impress each other about their toughness. The first mouse downed a shot of vodka, pounded the glass on the bar and said, “When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back and set it off with my paw. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth and bench-press it 100 times.”
The second mouse ordered two shots of tequila. After grabbing one in each paw, he guzzled both shots, slammed the glasses on the bar and looked at the other two mice. “When I see rat poison scattered around,” he told them, “I collect as much as I can take home. In the morning I put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”
The first and second mouse turned to the third mouse, who was drinking beer without any fanfare. “I don’t have time for this bullshit!” he exclaimed. “I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”
Question: What do lesbians and mechanics have in common?
Answer: Snap-on tools.
Question: Why was the young queen disappointed on her honeymoon?
Answer: She thought that all rulers had 12 inches!
