Jokes

Before going on a first date, Ashley got some pointers from her grandmother. “The boy will try to cuddle with you,” the old lady told her. “Allow him. He will try to kiss you. Allow him. Then he will try to lay you down and get on top of you. Don’t allow him to do that!”

“Why not, Grandma?” Ashley asked.

“If you do that,” her grandmother warned, “you have allowed him to disgrace you and our family.”

“Okey-dokey,” Ashley chirped, and off she went.

Several hours later she returned, and Grandma asked, “How did it go, dear?”

“Exactly as you said,” Ashley replied. “Except that when my date lay me down and tried to disgrace me and our family, I turned him over, got on top and disgraced him and his family.”

A husband texted his wife: “I got hit by a car after leaving the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. The blow to my head was very strong; still, it shouldn’t be anything to worry about. But I do have three broken ribs and a compound fracture in my left leg, and my right foot might have to be amputated.”

The wife immediately sent a text of her own: “Who’s Tina?”

Question: What does Pinocchio’s lover say to him?

Answer: “Lie to me! Lie to me!”

An oversexed young woman gave her brother a blowjob in a skyscraper’s elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.

Bubba got fired from his job as a bingo caller. Apparently “a meal for two with a hairy view” is not the way to announce number 69.

A little boy asked his father, “What’s lingerie?”

His dad gruffly replied, “It’s an expensive way to wrap a present you’ve already seen before.”

Nick desperately wanted to quit smoking cigars, and his doctor recommended a specialist. Nick went to the guy, an M.D. who used unconventional aversion therapy with his patients.

“When you go to bed at night,” the addiction doc advised, “take one of your cigars and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, place it back with the others and jiggle them around. Not knowing which is the treated cigar, you won’t dare smoke any of them.”

“I’ll try it,” Nick remarked.

A week later he called the specialist. “I’m not sure your therapy is working properly,” he said.

“That’s impossible,” the doctor insisted. “It’s been effective even in the most extreme cases.”

“Well, it kind of worked,” Nick said. “I did quit smoking, but now I can’t fall asleep without something shoved up my ass.”

A traveling salesman stopped at a house in Nevada and knocked on the door. When 12-year-old Tommy opened it, the salesman asked, “Hey, kid, is your mother at home?”

“No, sir, she’s over at the whorehouse,” Tommy replied.

The salesman thought he must have misheard him, or maybe the kid was being a wiseass. Looking Tommy right in the eye, the salesman asked, “Did you say whorehouse ?”

“Yes, sir,” Tommy insisted.

“Is your mother a prostitute?” the salesman prodded.

“No, she’s a substitute.”

The salesman shook his head and said, “Well, I’m a son of a bitch.”

“I am too,” Tommy exclaimed, “but I don’t go around knocking on people’s doors and bragging about it!”

Question: How can a woman tell when her husband is dead?

Answer: The sex is the same, but she can use the remote.

Ms. Simms was giving a lengthy assignment to her sixth-grade class. As the twentysomething began writing high on the whiteboard, she heard a giggle. Quickly turning around, she asked, “What’s so funny, Patrick?”

“I just saw one of your garters,” Patrick answered, wide-eyed.

“Get out!” Ms. Simms yelled. “And I don’t want to see you for three days!”

Turning back, she reached up and resumed writing. Suddenly there was a louder giggle. Ms. Simms spun around and growled, “What’s so funny, Billy?”

“I just saw both of your garters,” the boy admitted.

“Get out!” the teacher screamed again. “And, Billy, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!”

Embarrassed and flustered, Ms. Simms dropped the eraser. When she bent over to pick it up, there was another burst of laughter. She turned and saw Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“Based on what I just saw,” Johnny howled, grinning from ear to ear, “my school days are fuckin’ over!”

A millionaire’s ugly daughter asked her father, “Is it true that men want me for only one thing?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is,” her dad replied.

“Is it my body?” the girl asked.

“No, it’s my money,” the rich man muttered.

A young man named Nick went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. “I’m the pharmacist,” the woman he was talking to replied, “and we have no male employees. Is there something I could help you with?”

“This is, uh, hard to talk about,” Nick responded. “I have a permanent erection, which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it.”

“Just a minute,” the pharmacist told Nick. “I’ll go talk to my sister. We both own the store.”

After the pharmacist returned, she said, “The best we can do is one-third ownership of the store and $3,000 a month in living expenses.”

Did you hear about the blonde who had two shots at getting pregnant? She blew them both.

Question: What do you call a promiscuous woman?

Answer: A good time.

Walt and Arny each wanted to buy a beer but only had a dollar between them. Coming up with a plan, Walt dashed off.

When he returned holding a big sausage Arny yelled, “Are you crazy?! Now we’re broke!”

“Just follow me,” Walt suggested. He and Arny went into a bar, ordered two draft beers and downed them before they paid. Then Walt shoved the sausage through his fly and told Arny to get down on his knees and suck it. Seeing what was going on, the bartender ordered the men to scram.

Ten bars and ten beers later, Arny whined, “I can’t do this anymore, Walt. My knees are sore, and I’m drunk as a skunk.”

“Hey, Arny, how do you think I feel?” Walt countered. “I can’t remember which bar I lost the damn sausage in.”

Who named female undergarment panties? Cuntainers would have been more fitting.

Question: What do you call a stupid pirate?

Answer: The pillage idiot.

Julie told her lawyer, “I want to divorce my husband. He has a lousy memory.”

“Why would you want to divorce him for that?” the lawyer asked.

Julie explained, “Every time he sees an available woman, he forgets that he’s married.”

Question: Why are Catholic priests called Father?

Answer: Because Daddy would be too suspicious.

A farmer successfully grew a crop of vibrators. Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.

Heather told her doctor, “My husband has a very large penis, and every time we have sex, he hurts my liver.”

“I can fix that,” the doc assured her. “I’ll operate on him and make his penis smaller.”

“No!” Heather screamed. “Operate on me and move my liver!”

Tom’s wife just found out that she had been adopted. Sandra was devastated and kept asking her husband, “Why didn’t my birth parents want me?”

Tom comforted her, and eventually Sandra—crying her eyes out—asked him to make love to her. They got down to business, but this led to more tears.

Later Tom reflected, Banging Sandra from behind and shouting ‘Who’s your daddy?!’ might have been insensitive.

A waiter asked the patron he was serving, “How would you like your steak, sir?”

“Like winning an argument with my wife,” the man muttered.

“Rare it is!” the waiter exclaimed.

Question: What are multiple orgasms?

Answer: God’s way of compensating women for having to sit down to pee.

A wedding reception ended in a brawl and a court appearance. The judge was having difficulty getting to the truth of what had actually happened until the best man offered to outline the facts.

“Your Honor,” he began, “I was the best man at the wedding. It is the tradition in these parts that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. But the music kept going, so we continued dancing for around 15 minutes. Then the groom jumped over a table and kicked the bride right between her legs.”

“That must have hurt,” the judge remarked.

“Hurt?!” the best man yelped. “He broke three of my fingers!”

Fred looked at his wife and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a ten-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old woman. I’ve worked hard our whole married life, and now we have an $800,00 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me you’re not holding up your end of the bargain.”

Fred’s wife was a very reasonable lady. She told her husband that if he went out and found a hot 23-year-old woman, she’d make sure that he’d once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a ten-inch black-and-white TV.

Question: Who loses in every election?

Answer: The voters.

Oliver had invited his parents to meet his fiancée, Kristen, over cocktails at the swanky Plaza Hotel in New York City. After Oliver’s folks had departed, Kristen wanted to know what kind of impression she’d made.

Oliver said, “I’m sorry to tell you this, dear, but while you were in the ladies’ room, my mother told me that she considered you rather uncouth.”

“Did you tell your parents that I attended a finishing school in Switzerland and graduated from Yale?”

“Yes, dear,” Oliver replied.

“Did you also tell them that my family enjoys the highest social standing in Southampton.”

“I certainly did, dear.”

“Then what the fuck is all this uncouth shit about?!” Kristen shouted.

Blake was on a first date with Denise. Thinking they were a good match, he asked, “How about us spending a romantic weekend in the nicest hotel in town?”

Denise looked at him and said, “I’m afraid that my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes you from such an erotic confrontation.”

“Er, sorry, Denise, but I don’t fuckin’ get it,” Blake fessed up.

“Exactly!”