Ever dropped a mortifying blooper in the bedroom when you’ve tried to make sexy banter? You’re not alone. Read on for some dirty-talk nightmares—and some advice on how to avoid them.
When we were in high school, sex was one of those things that seemed pretty cut and dried. You got naked, stuck your pee-pee inside the wettest hole you could find and prayed to the Gods of Fuck that you didn’t make a baby. And for the most part, sex was a silent endeavor. Sure, there was the occasional inquiry from the bottom, such as, “Is it in yet?” There may also be a little incoherent grunting from above—typically right before an apology—but it’s not until later that we get serious about dirty talk.
And getting good at dirty talk? That’s an accomplishment many of us never achieve, no matter how hard or how often we try.
Sure, most of us can muster an “I want you so bad” or “You’re so sexy” in the throes of sexy time, but that’s Dirty Talk 101. However, really talking dirty can be terrifying. Especially for guys. While women can say almost anything to a man during sex and it’ll sound pretty damn appealing—“Eat my pussy like a bowl of Cheerios, you fat bastard!”—the same cannot be said for men. Let’s face it, “I didn’t expect you to be so tight” isn’t winning any awards. Neither is, “Did you come or was that a fart?” These spontaneous outbursts, although teetering on hilarious in the heat of the moment, often end up killing the mood. Yep, a lot of times, dirty talk just goes wrong.
Take it from Mandi. The 36-year-old customer service rep from Midland, Texas, tells HUSTLERMagazine.com that she experienced a big-time communication breakdown in the dirty talk department one night after hooking up with a guy. By her own admission, the evening probably would have gone off without a hitch if he hadn’t insisted on teasing her with the tip of his rod longer than necessary. “I was getting antsy, so I said, ‘All of you,’ and he thought I said, ‘I love you’ and said it back,” she recalls. “Totally spoiled the moment. I was like, ‘What the fuck?’”
“One time, I accidentally told my wife that her pussy tasted better than her cooking. She was madder than hell, boy.”