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June 2024

Misha Cross and Agatha Vega
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Whacking at Work: A Cautionary Tale
Featured Article

Whacking at Work: A Cautionary Tale

Experts suggest that self-pleasure breaks at work could help reduce stress and increase productivity. But beware; if you get caught, you could end up using that hand to fill out unemployment forms.

We’ve all had a job at one time or another where the big boss man is always screaming at us to stop jerking our junk on the clock, at least metaphorically: “Hey, Jimmy! When you get done pulling your pud over there, get this turkey club to table three, stat!” Over the years, berating a member of the crew for playing with his pecker has become the workplace standard for calling out some lazy bastard and motivating him to get back to work. But nobody actually ever had their hands down their pants trying to rub one out when these chastisements were being ladled out. Surely not. Not during business hours. 

Then again…

A new survey from the folks at Lovehoney finds that more working-class Americans (nearly 50%) have been getting themselves off on the clock ever since companies began to embrace the concept of remote work. They are sneaking away to tend to their horniness, stress and boredom. For some, masturbation is just an ordinary part of the day—like grabbing coffee, only they don’t have to worry about suffering third degree burns to their wangs. “I jerk off every morning at work,” a 38-year-old remote social media strategist named Micah tells “It helps me relax and stay focused. I can’t think clearly if I don’t.” 

In some cases, the survey finds, remote workers are beating the bologna just because they feel like it’s risky, putting them in a spot where they might get caught. Risky? We’re not sure how perilous it is to wrestle the walrus at home. Remote workers have all the comforts of home—tissues, lube and a post-whacking snack—and presumably a lot more privacy than an office setting. No, sneaking off to clear the pipes before an afternoon Zoom meeting is no feat of excellence. That’s amateur hour, folks. It would be weirder if these people weren’t tossing off during business hours. Self-gratification should be one of the leading perks of working from home.

“It’s come to my attention that someone in the office is calling 1-900 sex numbers!”

But what about those employees who must report to the office? You know, restaurant workers, maintenance staff, etc. Many of America’s laborers don’t have a flexible workspace. They must perform their duties in a brick-and-mortar establishment if they expect to get paid. Still, this sector of the workforce is undoubtedly just as horny, stressed out and willing to engage in risky behavior as any other working stiff. So, are these people out there having jerked chicken for lunch, the same as their remote counterparts? And if so, how are they getting away with it without ending up in the unemployment line?

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