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April 2024

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Featured Article

The Incredible Shrinking Manhood

Bad news, guys; hair isn’t the only thing you might lose as you get older. Yes, we’re talking about your dong size, but don’t worry—we have some advice on how to stay hung even when you’re not young.

Life plays many cruel jokes on a man over the span of his time on this planet that formative educators fail to mention. No one ever tells a strapping young lad with a full head of hair that there’s a pretty good chance that he’s going to lose his mane further into adulthood. Nor do they warn him that, although it’s easy now to maintain the physique of a Greek god, preventing those chiseled abs from expanding into a pudgy display of slobdom is going to get a heck of lot tougher as years roll on. And, perhaps most crucial of all, young men are seldom warned that it’s distinctly possible their cherished peckers are going to shrink before they’re carted off to the grave.

Perhaps there’s a perfectly good reason why men are not given fair warning about the instability of their manhood as they get older. For starters, it would likely crush their dreams. If a bright-eyed 19-year-old full of ambition was to learn that his dick was not always going to be the athletic specimen of muff-thumping beef that it is at the moment, that poor bastard may just abandon all hope and plummet to his untimely demise from the nearest bridge. “It would be like getting put on death row,” Derek, a 23-year-old from Portland, Oregon, tells “You’d be living every day thinking that, anytime now, it’s all going to be over.”

But what precisely causes a man’s wiener to wither up at some point, looking like the solitary hot dog left on the steamer at a cut-rate convenience store? Is it punishment for showing it to Sally under the monkey bars? And more crucial a question than why, is how much bulk can a man expect to lose? Is it just going to keep getting smaller and smaller, until eventually it is no more? 

“I can’t afford to lose an inch. I’d like to add some down there, not take it away.”

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