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June 2022

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Hey, Stop Playing With Yourself When I’m Home!
Featured Article

Hey, Stop Playing With Yourself When I’m Home!

Masturbating while your significant other is under the same roof is usually considered bad form in a relationship, but it really shouldn’t be. Join us as we get a grip on this prickly topic.

Cohabitate long enough with that special someone you’re banging, and you’re sure as shit going to come home one day and find them beating off. Man, woman, it doesn’t matter. Sharing a living space with another human almost guarantees that you will catch them masturbating at one point or another. If you haven’t witnessed it already, all we can say is, put on some safety glasses before storming into any room where the door is shut from here on out, because it’s coming, pal. 

Of course, it can be embarrassing for them (and you) at first. The fist-humping fools might even swear off pleasuring themselves, like George Costanza after nearly killing his mother with his onanistic habits. Eventually, though, just like everything else—from taking a savage dump to singing in the shower—they’ll get acclimated to the living arrangement and let their true colors shine through once again. Oh yeah, the masturbation will commence. Because in the conundrum of to jerk or not to jerk, whacking always wins.

“I have four kids, so it’s hard for my husband and I to get time together to have sex. But I still have needs, so I make the most of my time in the bathtub whenever I get the chance. I don’t care if he’s at home. I need the stress relief.”

Iris

Although masturbation is just another natural part of our existence on this wheezing planet, people in relationships tend to get perturbed once they learn their partner is still worshiping Saint Peter and Balls when they’re not around. Many are of the opinion that, as long as there is the potential for one-on-one sex, their partner shouldn’t be going out on any solo missions on a quest for an orgasm.

“Nah, fuck all that,” 45-year-old Jeremy tells HUSTLERMagazine.com. “My old lady doesn’t need to play with herself now that I’m around. I’m more than willing and capable of giving her everything she needs.”

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