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February 2022

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Starfuckers Anonymous
Featured Article

Starfuckers Anonymous

How to cope with the jealousy-inducing realization that your partner has fucked someone famous.

Coming to grips with a partner’s sexual history can be difficult enough as it is. Although everyone has a past, our fragile egos can cause us to freak out when pondering all the genitals that came before us. But come on, dude—who really gives two squirts if your girlfriend tongued the asshole of some pseudo-intellectual coffee-shop hipster last year before the two of you saw each other naked? So what? She had terrible taste. We all go slumming from time to time.

But what if one of your partner’s random romps of yesteryear just so happened to be with someone famous? Not just that, but it was a real talented S.O.B. that you might even admire—or worse, downright loathe. This scenario has all the makings of a disastrous, mind-bending shit-show. One man we talked to (let’s call him Hal) encountered this savage gut-punch with a girlfriend after she confessed to sleeping with a famous guitar player. “It was a few weeks after our first date, and she was asking me how many people I’ve been with,” he tells HUSTLERMagazine.com. “I don’t usually like to play that game, but I went along with it. She told me her number, and then slipped it in that one was this musician.”

Although the notable ax-slinger wasn’t anyone Hal respected or even listened to, that didn’t make the truth bomb any less destructive. “At first, all I had were questions,” he told us. “I was like, How did this even come about? I mean, we live in a small city where bands like his don’t come to play often. It was a long shot that they’d ever meet, much less fuck. I was perplexed and honestly in a state of disbelief. I felt like maybe she had been conned, that it was just an imposter going around trying to get laid using this guy’s name. There’s no way she fucked [this musician]!”

Photo by Ladi von Jansky

Naturally, Hal dug deeper in an attempt to either confirm or discredit the wild tale. He admits that may have been a huge mistake. Hal’s investigation would uncover that his new girlfriend had, in fact, met the famous guitar player at a bar one night after a sold-out show at an arena. He was no imposter, either. It was him—the Grammy-winning  face on the cover of magazines, a shredder worshipped by many as a god of his craft. “What’s crazy is she didn’t even go to the concert, because she wasn’t a huge fan of the band or anything,” Hal recalls. “According to her, she just happened to be at this downtown bar waiting on a friend when this guy walked up to her and initiated a conversation. She didn’t even know who he was at first.” From there, the two apparently hit it off, talking, drinking and getting into some heavy public displays of affection. Once the bar started filling up with people wanting autographs and photos and buying him shots, the rock star hit the road, but not before slipping Hal’s girl the room number to where he was staying at a nearby hotel. Half an hour later, she was beating on his door. The rest, of course, is humping history. “Now she’s a groupie!” Hal marvels.

Although this one-night stand happened two years before Hal met his partner, the details of it bugged him immensely. No matter how much time passed after hearing her story, there was something about it that he just couldn’t shake. “I was obsessed with the fact that she had fucked this guitar player,” he admits. “I found myself thinking about it constantly. I think I even pathetically asked her once if he was better than me. Of course, she told me no. She said the sex only lasted about ten minutes. That didn’t help. Not a day went by that I wasn’t bothered by it.”

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