Bits & Pieces

Articles with unfiltered opinions

Cartoons

Illustrated monthly funnies

Jokes

Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Parodies

Unapologetic political satire

close slideout
Latest HUSTLER Magazine cover issue
Magazine new arrow

July 2024

Patriotism = Free Speech
Join HUSTLER Magazine trial promo image

Intro Offer:
3 days for only $0.99!

Sloppy Slurpers
Featured Article

Sloppy Slurpers

In praise (and pursuit) of the drool-heavy, XXX-style hummer.

There are countless ways in which the sex depicted in XXX and the rutting we experience out in the wild differ, and blowjobs are no exception. In porn, for instance, when a lady is doling out a hellacious hummer, she carries herself like a true disciple of the dong. She’s up to her chin in balls, there’s drool streaming from her mouth, she’s shedding tears, and she’s really giving his manhood the worship necessary to bring on a first and second coming. 

In real life, a blowjob rarely looks that spirited or enchanting. The average woman might take her guy’s manhood in and out of her mouth a few times before growing bored and resorting to simply licking it listlessly while staring up at him. There’s no excessive slobber, or any at all, and there damn sure aren’t any tears—at least on her part. It’s just sort of a lackluster pucker performance that leads a lot of men to proclaim later in life, if they’re being honest, that they don’t care for head, or at least the kind they’ve been experiencing.

“I’ve never had a blowjob that looked like the ones in porn,” Jeremy, 37, from Adrian, Michigan, tells HUSTLERMagazine.com. “In my opinion, very few women can actually give really great head.”

Listen, ladies, it’s not that we’re not grateful for the attempt. We realize getting your tonsils pummeled with little to no pleasure to be experienced on your end puts you up there in the ranks of sexual martyrdom. That said, we’ve been reading all the scathing accounts in rags like Cosmopolitan over the years suggesting that men don’t have any clue what we’re doing when it comes to eating pussy. This is hurtful, ladies—really it is, considering that so many of us are down there in the muff really going for it with tongue-whipping zeal. Many of us have located the clit just fine and we are willing, ready and able to wear a woman’s snatch like a hat if that’s what it takes to ensure she gets the most mind-blowing orgasm ever. We take issue with being lumped into the ranks of the remedial. So now, in the interest of equality, we’re suggesting that higher schlong-slurping standards might be in order too. After all, fair is fair. “I’d like more enthusiastic blowjobs, for sure,” declares Russ of Willows, California. “It doesn’t feel nearly as good when they’re checked out and seem not into it.”

To Access the Full Story

Unlock all articles, full galleries and digital magazines – 3 days for only $1.35.