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June 2024

Misha Cross and Agatha Vega
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Featured Article


Exploring the phenomenon of sexsomnia, a sleep disorder that causes people to get 40 wanks along with their 40 winks.

Everyone knows someone who sleepwalks, but chances are they’ve never met anyone who sleep-whacks—until it’s too late. They could be all cozied up in bed next to a new lay, dreaming about getting their muffs gnawed on again, when suddenly the mattress starts gyrating. At first, they might presume it’s an earthquake, but upon trying to wake the unconscious bastard next to them, they notice his hands are down the front of his pajamas, and he’s strumming the ol’ bologna banjo to beat the band. Whoa! The strangest thing about it is, this chicken-choking pervert is still sawing logs, and he’ll have absolutely no recollection of his jerk moves when the cock crows. At least not until his mortified bunk-mate cries foul!

Sleep-whackers like this suffer from a form of a disorder known as sexsomnia. It’s a form of non-rapid eye movement (NREM) parasomnia, in the ballpark of sleepwalking. Instead of unconsciously rummaging through the fridge or taking a dump on the family dog, an individual with sexsomnia initiates sexual behavior, and might fiddle their fuck-stick or finger-blast the baby hatch during a snooze. Instead of 40 winks, a sexsomniac gets 40 wanks.

Photo by Holly Randall Productions

Most of the time, these hypnotic horndogs are harmless enough. But that doesn’t make them any less shocking for those who share the sheets. “My wife masturbates in her sleep,” 46-year-old Glenn, a lawn-care specialist from Mason, Ohio, tells “She didn’t realize it either until after we started living together. The first time I caught her in the act—back before we got hitched—I was like, What is all this? I woke up to a bunch of loud moaning, and when I looked over to see what was going on, her back was arched like an alley cat, and she was really going after it under the covers, like she was mad or something. I thought she was just trying to rub one out so she could get some sleep. But she was out cold. It was weird, man.”

Any situation where a lady is giving her clit a nice siesta-slappin’ might sound like a man’s wet dream, but the circumstances are far more psychologically cryptic than a fantasy come true. Glenn found this out the hard way after attempting, ever so ignorantly, to insert himself into his wife’s sexed-up slumber.

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