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June 2024

Misha Cross and Agatha Vega
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Interstellar Intercourse: Sex on Mars Won’t Be Easy
Featured Article

Interstellar Intercourse: Sex on Mars Won’t Be Easy

As scientists explore the possibility of creating human colonies on the Red Planet, we look at the many challenges of boning on the fourth rock from the sun.

One day, the aliens are going to show up on Earth and find nothing but a burned-up sign on the White House lawn that reads, “We fucked it all up. Please forward packages to Mars.” Perhaps it was the sheer lunacy of 2020, a bizarre blip in history when it seemed possible that the global population was about to be wiped off the face of the planet, but society has, in part, had enough with Earth. A big chunk of humanity is utterly convinced that the best thing we can do to ensure survival is get off this spinning rock and haul ass for the final frontier. NASA is elbow-deep in this madness, too. The agency recently sent another rover to the Red Planet to search for signs of life, resources and to presumably assess this untapped region of the universe to determine if humans could ever survive up there once Mother Earth goes into menopause and her cooter dries up.

In the private sector, Elon Musk’s SpaceX also has a raging boner for Mars. The company plans to conduct several unmanned missions to the planet within the next few years, and Musk has said that it could be possible to send a million people (roughly the population of Austin, Texas) there to colonize by 2050. If these missions fail, holy hell, look the fuck out. Scientists have warned that the whole of humanity could get creamed by some savage force of nature in the next 1,000 years. Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking told the BBC before his death that the Earth’s population was inevitably doomed to be snuffed out like the dinosaurs if big brains didn’t find a way to inhabit another planet sometime within several decades. “With climate change, overdue asteroid strikes, epidemics and population growth, our own planet is increasingly precarious,” Hawking said.

Amid the logistical challenges that’ll come from trying to start over on Mars—like figuring out how in the heck we’re going to breathe, eat and take dumps—is learning how to satisfy our most basic urges once the rocket touches down. Sex in space isn’t going to be the same bump and grind that it is on Earth. Most experts agree that getting our red rocks off is going to be tricky. Sadly, it might not even be possible.

Photo by Ladi von Jansky

In the beginning, sex is going to take a backseat to basic human survival. Scientific minds believe the first Mars expeditions, no matter if they are conducted by NASA or SpaceX, will likely be too focused on not becoming cosmic corpses during the seven-month-long, 170-million mile journey (are we there yet?) to be concerned much with porking. There might not even be a whole lot of grab-ass taking place during these lengthy voyages, Athena Andreadis, associate professor of cell biology at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, Shriver Center at UMMS, and author of the book To Seek Out New Life: The Biology of Star Trek, tells HUSTLERmagazine.com. “Crews will be too busy trying to stay alive and functional in spaceships and habitats to spend excessive time on satisfying the last of the four Fs (fighting, fleeing, feeding and fucking),” she says.

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