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July 2024

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Sex in the Stars?

Can astrology really help you find the ideal porking partner, or is it all just a stellar load of bullshit?

Astrology—what a bunch of crap. To me, it’s a heaping load of jibber jabber that people use as an excuse for their shortcomings, to avoid taking responsibility for the clown-shoe behavior that turns their lives to squalor. Hey, I’m a fellow miscreant, and certainly not one to judge, but at least I don’t go running for the horoscope every time I screw the pooch in hopes of finding some ambiguous line of celestial caca to justify a misstep. 

Many that have failed in the romance department are guilty of this. After a relationship ends, they can be heard mumbling lines of ineptitude: “It just wasn’t meant to be… it wasn’t in the cards… the stars didn’t align…” They blame variations in the planetary order for why there was a breakdown of their romantic bond. And that belief, it seems, prevents them from ever getting it right. But then again, what the hell do I know? Ladies and gents, I write fart jokes for a living. Scholarly, I am not. 

Photo by Clive McLean

Even so, it doesn’t take a Ph.D. to develop a disbelief in astrology. The idea that a person who came shooting out of their mother’s snatch in late September is a perfect match for someone who came crawling out in early December is difficult for rational minds to grasp. If this concept was true, we could, ideally, save ourselves a lot of time and heartbreak by exclusively shacking up with the cosmically compatible. But we don’t do that. Nuh-uh—the vast majority of us, even astrology buffs, take chances with each romantic partner, putting faith in the notion that this might be the one, even while recognizing that the odds are stacked against it. Considering that nearly half of committed relationships end in ruins—even for those poor bastards trying to handicap the damn thing with a horoscope—skepticism in astrology is a logical stance. “[Horoscopes] are completely non-predictive and useless outside of entertainment purposes,” Hayden, 35, tells 

People like Hayden assert that it’s not possible for sexual compatibility to be determined by our birth dates. It’s more serendipitous than all that, and not in a mushy, “You were made for me, I was made for you,” kind of way, either. Some people are just good in bed, some are bad, and others—well, they belong in the record books. It’s the luck of the draw, and if the stars seem to align for the one who really rang your bell, that’s just one big, whopping doozie of a coincidence. The universe doesn’t automatically make one a sexual shooting star, regardless of the orientation of their sign. “Doesn’t matter if they are compatible in the bedroom with an astrological match. A bad lay is a bad lay,” Amber, 40, says. “It has way more to do with physical attraction. Not many people would give an astrological match the time of day unless they were attracted to them.” 

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