Ever get the feeling that your bedroom romps aren’t exactly playing out like your favorite skin-flick scenes? Don’t be silly; of course they’re not. But don’t worry—as blue-screen veteran Missy Martinez explains, everyone’s personal sexual experiences differ drastically from the professional pound sessions of porn.
Okay, I hate to break it to you: Porn sex isn’t real.
Wait, wait; dry your tears. Let me finish. What I meant to say is that porn sex is very different than actual “real life” sex. Besides having a crew of 12 bored people watching you have sex on a white leather couch in a stranger’s home during porn sex, there are a few other differences. Below, I have compiled some of the starker contrasts for your education and reading pleasure. (You better be pleased, damnit!)
WARDROBE
Nothing spices up sex—porn sex, anyway—like a sexy negligee, some thigh-high stockings and a pair of skyscraper-high heels. Porn is all about glamour and fulfilling that fantasy of your “dream fuck.” It is often achieved by the men and women behind the scenes who are beyond talented in their fields of makeup artistry, hair styling and fashion sense. In reality, sex is frequently had with your sweatpants pulled down to your ankles, which are covered in smelly, mismatched socks. I, for one, am a fan of leaving my shirt on during the deed with a bare bottom, like an X-rated Winnie the Pooh.
Makeup is a whole other story. On camera, we see the women with gorgeous, flowing, beauty queen-styled hair. In reality, it’s often haphazardly thrown into a lazy ponytail. Lipstick and rouge are also applied in films with expert precision, making the actress look like a Barbie doll come to life. That’s not to say there aren’t exceptions. Surprisingly, many performers do their own hair and makeup, adding cosmetology to their long list of talents. In reality during sex at home, 80% of my makeup has been worn off during the day’s arduousness and my false lashes are falling off (picture a tarantula holding onto an eyelid for dear life). I’m often wearing whatever I had on during the day—just pulled down, to the side or some other variation of lazy wardrobe adjustment to help aid in the sexual act.
As for leg wear, often in films the starlets are clad in sexy fishnet stockings or sheer nylons. In the real world, you’re lucky if the legs have been shaved.
