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June 2022

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Unfavorable Positions
Featured Article

Unfavorable Positions

Sure, the elaborate sex positions you see in XXX videos look amazing on screen, but before you try them at home, beware—if you’re not careful, you just might throw out your back before busting a nut.

Everyone seems to be trying to fuck like a porn star these days. They’ve brushed up on their sex ed through the University of Smut and they’ve made it their life’s mission to sling that ding-a-ling like they’ve just been drafted into the pros. They’re pulling out all the stops in the throes of passion. They’re boning up against the wall in every room of the house, spinning their partners this way and that and flipping them around like an old chew toy, all without missing a beat in their poon-pounding efforts. 

Unfortunately, as much as most of us would like to think that we’re superheroes in the sack, there will inevitably be a sexual position that straight-up fucks… us… up. A position where the coital contortions are unimaginable, the skill level is sky-high and the whole thing will fall apart as soon as we bear down. There will be pulled muscles, ass cramps, bloody noses, and maybe even strained groins. It’ll be a goddamn miracle that everyone involved gets out alive. No matter how good someone is at intercourse for sport, they will eventually meet their match on the mattress. 

“I learned years ago while trying the wheelbarrow with my girlfriend at the time that I can’t get too athletic during sex,” 43-year-old Preston of Charleston, South Carolina, tells HUSTLERMagazine.com. “I don’t have the dexterity to hold that weight up while thrusting.” According to Preston, though, his inability to fuck like an Olympian might not be his fault. He questions whether anyone really uses complex sexual positions like the wheelbarrow in their everyday lives, or if it’s just porking propaganda carved out by publications like Cosmopolitan

“All you can find is cartoon diagrams of it on the internet,” Preston notes. “I’m convinced real people aren’t doing it.”

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