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Latest HUSTLER Magazine cover issue
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June 2024

Misha Cross and Agatha Vega
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Image: Oksana Krasiuk / Alamy Stock Photo
Featured Article

Penciling in the Porking

Sure, everyone loves the idea of a spontaneous boning session, but in these modern, hectic times, scheduled sex isn’t just an enjoyable alternative—it just might be a necessity.

In the minds of most horndogs—at least those romanced into a googly-eyed stupor by the illusions shoved down their throats on their favorite streaming channel—sex is supposed to be this spontaneous act of animalistic lust. Something that comes on like an unexplainable fever, causing a ravenous appetite for flesh, twitching nether regions and a situation where no kitchen table, bathroom stall or Persian rug is safe from what’s to come. A carnal instinct that comes from out of nowhere, a message from the Gods of Slap & Tickle that, when translated, sounds a lot like: Jump her bones! According to this logic, we shouldn’t be forced to ask for sex—the opportunity should just arrive, kind of like a tax refund. 

But this is real life, you entitled bastards! Spontaneous lovin’ doesn’t always just drop in our laps like a participation trophy. Sure, for those of you who can still afford to stay out all night chasing tail because you’re crashing on mommy’s sofa rent-free, there is still plenty of impromptu poon out there to be had. But for couples with jobs, kids and other stressful, time-consuming libido killers roughing them up from morning until night, spontaneous sex moments are few and far between. “[Spontaneity] doesn’t work in my house,” 42-year-old Jeremy tells HUSTLERMagazine.com. “I get rejected if I try.”

“There’s no spontaneity anymore. I get two kids off to school in the morning and work a day job until late afternoon. Three nights a week I also bartend. I pretty much live in a perpetual state of exhaustion. We don’t put it on our calendars, but my husband and I will usually do it on Thursday nights or Sunday mornings.”

Sianna

This is a big part of the reason why scheduled sex is becoming integral to the survival of many relationships. A recent study in the Journal of Sex Research finds that a lot more couples are penciling in the porking rather than constantly trying to fulfill some unrealistic expectation of spontaneity. We encountered several people who’ve put dicking on the docket, and it seems to work. 

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