Bits & Pieces

Articles with unfiltered opinions

Cartoons

Illustrated monthly funnies

Jokes

Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Parodies

Unapologetic political sattire

close slideout
Latest HUSTLER Magazine cover issue
Magazine new arrow

July 2021

Featuring Mary Rock
Join HUSTLER Magazine trial promo image

Intro Offer:
3 days for only $1.35!

No Fucking Regrets
Featured Article

No Fucking Regrets

It’s a common dilemma; the older we get, the more we fret about the sex that we never had. Here’s our guide to avoiding a case of erotic FOMO.

People often settle down too early in life, only to find themselves 20 years later disgusted, miserable and chock full of regret. Humans can get brainwashed into thinking that they need the safety and security of a lifelong partner, no matter how loathsome of a beast he or she might be, to make them whole. After all, getting married and painting some illusionary portrait of the happy American family to hang over the fireplace of a house that is mortgaged to the hilt is the measure of success in a lot of circles. It’s why so many teenage whippersnappers end up getting hitched right after high school, selling out years of sexual possibility for that dull white line down the middle of the road. Smell that, kids? That’s mediocrity

While those with a lust for life hit the pavement full steam ahead in pursuit of good times and lots of fucking, Miss Missus tends to her ungrateful, beer-bellied beau every night and only gets diddled for 30 seconds every other Saturday. A sexually repressed 40-something who has only gnawed on one measly set of cock and balls for decades, she wakes up most days covered in a thick layer of buyer’s remorse. She laments all of the thick-dicked studs she didn’t screw back in the day because, rather than seeing what’s out there, she took the exit to monogamy way too soon.

It’s not unusual; it happens all the time.

“It is a kind of FOMO (fear of missing out) mentality,” Dr. Patti Britton, sexologist and founder of SexCoachU.com, tells HUSTLERMagazine.com. “As people age, they look back often with regret about what they did not do rather than their accomplishments. It’s human nature. This is particularly true with couples who marry early or are ‘high school sweethearts.’ They stick it out till the kids leave for college or work, and then face that empty nest syndrome. Then the longings, the fantasies about what ‘might or could have been’ take place to begin to fill that empty spot.”

This insanity is beyond our control. Humans are all basically screwed from birth when it comes to maintaining committed relationships. Despite our good intentions to be loyal to those we care about, humans are just horny, well-dressed animals. It might be romantic to suggest that there is one true love out there for all of us—a soulmate—but the truth is, humans aren’t meant to breed with one person for life. That’s biology, son. 

To Access the Full Story

Unlock all articles, full galleries and digital magazines – 3 days for only $1.35.