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December 2021

Featuring Marykate Moss
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Photo: Elnur Amikishiyev / Alamy Stock Photo
Featured Article

Jerking for a Living

Thinking about becoming a sperm donor to pick up some extra cash? Here are the ins and outs of masturbating for profit.

Men are constantly jerking off. It’s one of the few activities, outside of playing video games and drinking beer, that most are happy to do free of charge. However, many are unaware that they could be turning those five-knuckle shuffles into cold, hard cash. 

A guy can make between $10,000 and $12,000 a year donating his baby-makers to would-be mothers. Hey, you were going to spank it anyway, so why not get paid to help bring a little booger-picker into the world, am I right? There’s no fatherly commitment, after all. No child support, no midnight feedings, no “Hey dad, I’m in jail, come bail my ass out.” Sperm donation is seemingly the perfect gig for the enterprising male who, for whatever reason, cannot be burdened with a real job that requires his presence for eight hours a day. Your dick might not make you rich, but it can afford you some laziness. That alone makes this rosy-palm opportunity hard to beat.

There is, of course, a catch to exchanging cum for coin. The criteria for becoming a contracted jizz-lobber can be rigid. Spank banks are ultra-selective. Cryobanks typically don’t want anything to do with short dudes, homosexuals, the unhealthy and those devoid of personality. Furthermore, if a man’s highest level of education ends with the letters GED, he can forget about jerking it into a cup for money. 

You might be asking yourself, “Do I qualify?” Read on. 

Sperm banks are on the prowl for the young, dumb and full of come. Okay, not dumb. Most are looking for donors who have a bachelor’s degree or, at the very least, are in pursuit of one. A man enrolled in college might be able to fudge his academic goals. All he needs to do is share a little bit of fabricated enthusiasm with his wank-bank administrators—”Why, sure, I’m absolutely going for that Ph.D., thank you very much!”—and they’ll most likely take the master’s bait. The one detail he won’t be able to fake, however, is his age. Men must be between 18 and 34 to whack it for profit. Some sperm banks will accept donors as old as 40, but that’s pushing it. They’re not at all keen on filling their freezers with the tired spooge of men in their 50s. They don’t want guys asking for Viagra before they can rub one out. More than that, though, sperm banks aren’t looking to collect seed that may increase the chance of populating the Earth with any more mental defectives than it already has. 

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