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Latest HUSTLER Magazine cover issue
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June 2024

Misha Cross and Agatha Vega
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Hookup Horrors
Featured Article

Hookup Horrors

From pissed-on bedsheets to pissed-off ex-boyfriends, we look at the many ways that random sex can go wrong.

There are only a few things in this world that really make life worth living, and one of them is hooking up with random strangers for some sloppy, no-attachment sex. Pounding unfamiliar poon with no expectation of commitment is about as good as it gets. Oh, yeah—to wake up in the early morning, perhaps moderately hungover, only to see some young lady whose name has escaped you, tits out and sawing logs, is a sign that you’re truly alive. 

Now that it’s almost summer and all the biological mechanisms that make humanity’s pee-pees flutter like a butterfly on crack are coursing through their veins, the prospect of having random hookups is more encouraging than any other time of year. Even those devoid of charm and good looks should have no problem finding a handful of people willing to show off their naughty bits and pieces.

Unfortunately, not all of these temporary love connections end on a high note. They can go south, and pretty damn fast. It’s kind of like the time when you rescued the seemingly sweet kitty from the side of the road, thinking that she just needed some love and attention, only to have her spazz out on the highway and nearly claw your eyes out. Random pussy can be volatile. One minute you’re making out, the next you’re trying to get the fuck out. There are all sorts of potential hazards that can arise during a hookup. 

For some, these porking pitfalls happen before they ever get their hookup home. “I met this girl at a bar and when we got outside to go to my place, her ex-boyfriend was out there waiting on her,” Sam, 35, tells “He got out acting all crazy, and she was screaming at him. I was just sort of standing there, like, I seriously hope I don’t have to fight this dude before I fuck his girl.”

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