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Latest HUSTLER Magazine cover issue
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June 2024

Misha Cross and Agatha Vega
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Here Comes the Bride?
Featured Article

Here Comes the Bride?

No, wedding-night sex isn’t always as mind-blowing as it’s made out to be—if it even happens at all. And no, that’s nothing to worry about.

Weddings are a special (some would even say sacred) occasion when two lovebirds commit to each other forever. Gulp! Yesirree, getting hitched means a couple has ultimately decided to throw away the possibility of ever having sex with anyone else as they saddle up to one piece of ass for the rest of their extremely short lives. Or at least until one gets sick of the other’s shit and files for divorce, but that’s another story—for the moment, those impending nuptials are far too stressful to entertain enough rational thinking to run for dear life. There’s a church to book, a band to hire, caterers to call, flowers to order, and the perfect dress must be procured. Just ask anyone who’s ever tied the knot, and they’ll tell you: orchestrating one of these matrimonial shebangs is the epitome of stress. Yet, the anxiety of planning the big day often pales in comparison to the tension associated with that post-conjugal coitus. And that pressure can be a real orgasm-killer. They might be singing “Here Comes the Bride” at the ceremony, but the hard truth is, she probably won’t be coming later that night.

For a lot of couples, wedding-night sex is as much part of the marriage ritual as exchanging vows. There are great expectations for what’s to happen once that white dress comes off, and often even greater disappointment. Although weddings are supposed to be one of those memorable moments in a couple’s life, meant to invoke joy and serve as a romantic story to pass down through the generations, couples often fail to properly service each other during the consummation portion of the evening. “We didn’t have sex for a few days after we got married,” Spencer, 46, of Charleston, Missouri, tells

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Even in this day and age when everyone is sampling the milk before buying the cow, and couples have tried a few things in the bedroom prior to walking down the aisle, the aspirations of that post-nuptial nookie can still be debilitating. Just the same as every other detail of their special day, the espousal arousal requires perfection. It’s like being called out to fight someone after school. If it were to just happen spontaneously, you would throw punches and whoop ass to the best of your ability. But knowing that, at 3 p.m., you might potentially take a beating in front of the entire student body…well, that has a way of inciting nervousness. Wedding-night sex is like waiting to defend yourself against the class bully. You might win, but you also might lose. Everyone has a bad day; so what happens if the wedding night is yours, and the bride never—ahem—arrives?

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