December 2019

Featuring Scarlett Sage

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Catching Fire

Let’s start with the word dire. As in “I’m in dire need of a blowjob” or “We’re in dire need of a beer run.” Here’s one that matters: “The whole planet is in dire trouble.”

According to virtually every climate scientist who doesn’t have his head up his ass and refutes the notion that Adam and Eve played with dinosaurs, global warming hit the planet big time in the summer of 2012. The consequences of that phenomenon, analyzed in a new study by Dr. Aiguo Dai of the National Center for Atmospheric Research, are—you guessed it—dire.

Dr. Dai and the bulk of the reputable scientific community have come to the grim conclusion that unless we start getting our environmental act together (as of like yesterday), civilization is pretty much, well…screwed.

During the current worldwide drought, unequivocally caused by the rising amount of carbon dioxide emitted by global oil use, the United States has experienced its fifth worst drought in history—comparable to the cataclysmic Dust Bowl of the 1930s. Eighty-seven percent of the nation’s corn crop, 85% of the soybean crop and 63% of the hay-producing acreage have been burnt to a crisp.

So what about those biblical-style floods in Colorado last year? All that warm air means more cloud moisture and more rain—sometimes. But climate change doesn’t mean just hot and dry. It means more extreme weather patterns. As the scientists say, the hydrologic cycle is going to get more intense—i.e., we’re fucked.  

Exactly how fucked? Well, falling crop yields translate into less feed for poultry and cattle, which means Americans will be facing climbing prices for chicken, beef, pork, dairy products and about a zillion other staples. Unfortunately, most of our sun-fried commodities are also found in a slew of other stuff: packaged foods, cosmetics, shampoos, you name it.

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