Tits—we just can’t get enough of them! But why? Unpacking our relentless obsession with boobs.
There’s something undeniably bizarre that happens to men in the presence of boobs. They get all fluttery, their eyes zero in like heat-seeking missiles and it takes visible effort for them to look away. It’s as if some ancient instinct kicks in, reducing them to drooling cavemen marveling at a pair of knockers like they’ve just stumbled upon a Kentucky Fried Chicken. Frankly, only a blind man seems immune to the spell, and even that might be a stretch. Quite naturally, this boob-induced trance tends to hit a nerve with some women. To them, getting ogled like a side of beef in a butcher’s window is, at best, objectification—and at worst, not far off from full-blown harassment. The men, of course, insist it’s not their fault—they’re just wired this way.
Turns out, there might be something to that. A new study out of Papua’s Central Highlands suggests that straight men’s fixation on boobs isn’t just the byproduct of peeks at HUSTLER Magazine, scrambled Cinemax or your uncle’s mysteriously sticky VHS stash. Researchers took a gander at the Dani people, whose women traditionally went topless until recent cultural shifts introduced shirts (and, arguably, ruined the scene). Surprisingly, men who grew up in both the topless and T-shirt eras reported the same level of enthusiasm for hooters. Which means the obsession might not at all be about taboo—this fondness for bazooms could be baked right into our horny genetics. The fellas might not be sleazy pervs after all, just victims of their Neanderthal DNA. “This aligns with my personal research,” quips Rudy, 46, in a conversation with HUSTLERMagazine.com. “I can’t not look.”
Don’t feel bad, Rudy—none of us can help it. Still, some women find it baffling that men are so fixated on boobs. To them, their magnificent mammaries aren’t meant to be sexy—they’re strictly functional. A woman’s breasts, they argue, exist solely to feed babies, not to serve as novelty fun bags for horndogs. “They’re literally for nursing, get over it,” a woman named April boldly declares. Except that’s not entirely true. It’s not just human men who sexualize breasts. Even bonobo apes—our freaky, jungle-humping cousins—have been observed fondling their own nipples during masturbation. And honestly, if breasts weren’t meant to be gawked at, slobbered on or worshiped now and then, why do so many women enjoy it? “I can have an orgasm from a guy just licking my nipples,” says Carli, 32, who nonetheless admits that she still gets creeped out when random dudes stare at her dairy domes. “It’s just annoying when you see them looking at them like they’ve never seen them before,” Carli grouses.
