November 2019

Featuring Lana Rhoades

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Badass Beauty Pageants

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN, WHEN WE ARBITRARILY PICK ONE LADY FROM EVERY STATE AND THEN RANDOMLY SELECT ONE OF THOSE AND DECLARE HER MISS AMERICA. OR IF STEVE HARVEY IS HOSTING, HE CROWNS WHATEVER GIRL’S NAME HE CAN PRONOUNCE REGARDLESS OF WHAT THE CARD SAYS. IT’S AN AMERICAN TRADITION. OVER THE YEARS THE BEAUTY PAGEANT HAS BEEN SHIT ON A BIT, WITH PEOPLE DECIDING IT’S SEXIST OR DEGRADING AND EVEN SOME SUGGESTING THAT THE SWIMSUIT PORTION OF A COMPETITION ISN’T APPROPRIATE. ARGUABLY IT’S THE MOST APPROPRIATE PORTION OF A CONTEST IN WHICH A WOMAN STANDS IN FRONT OF STRANGERS AND ASKS TO BE CONSIDERED HOTTER THAN ALL THE OTHER WOMEN ONSTAGE, BUT WHAT THE HELL DO WE KNOW? WE KNOW THIS: A STANDARD, FAMILY-FRIENDLY AMERICAN BEAUTY PAGEANT HAS NOTHING ON THE PAGEANTS FEATURED ON THE FOLLOWING PAGES. IF YOU THINK PUTTING MISS NEW HAMPSHIRE IN A BIKINI AND ASKING HER TO PLAY UKULELE IS STRANGE, MAN, CHECK OUT BRAZIL’S MISS PENITENTIARY, IN WHICH LOVELY LADIES FROM TEN HIGH-SECURITY PRISONS COMPETE TO SEE WHO’S THE HOTTEST SHOWER SHANKER OF THE BUNCH.   

 


 

BRAZIL’S MISS BUMBUM

A big thumbs-up to Brazil for having the balls to call a spade a spade and call a contest to look at gorgeous asses a contest to look at gorgeous asses. The Miss Bumbum competition starts with roughly 500 butts and the ladies attached to them and whittles them down to one perfect ass for the year.

What’s the upside to becoming a butt superstar? You get about $22,000 in ass-related endorsements, so probably things like yoga pants, adult diapers, butt plugs, suppositories and Astroglide. You also get to become an instant celebrity in a country where ass is king (or queen) and is respected and coveted by all. You have to respect the Brazilians in a lot of ways. Or at least in this way. We could learn from them.

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