Jokes

Two old women wandering around an art museum eventually got separated. When they ran into each other, Esther exclaimed, “Oh, my, did you see that statue of a naked man back there?”

“Yes, I did,” Irene replied. “I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? My gosh, the penis was so large!”

“Yeah,” Esther sighed, “and cold too.”

While shooting the shit, a guy asked his friend, “You ever have that urge to eat something just because it’s right there in front of you?”

“Yep,” the pal replied. “That’s why I am no longer a gynecologist.”

Before going to work one day, Wyatt told his wife, “We have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings, and we all put on our gear. Bell 2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings, and we climb onto the trucks and head to the fire.”

Wyatt then announced, “From now on we’re gonna run this house the same way. When I say, ‘Bell 1,’ I want you to strip naked. When I say, ‘Bell 2,’ I want you to jump into bed, and when I say, ‘Bell 3,’ we’re gonna make love all night.”

When Wyatt came home from work, he exclaimed, “Bell 1!” and his wife took off all her clothes. Then he yelled, “Bell 2!” and she jumped into bed. After his “Bell 3!” they began to have sex.

A minute later Wyatt’s wife hollered, “Bell 4!”

“What the hell is Bell 4?” Wyatt snorted, “Roll out more hose,” his wife responded. “You’re nowhere near the fire.”

Question: What’s the difference between a woman and a volcano?

Answer: A volcano never has to fake an eruption.

Maddie went into a bar in Texas and noticed a handsome cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. They were the biggest she’d ever seen. The twentysomething sashayed up to him and asked, “Is it true what they say about men with really big feet being well endowed?”

“It sure is, little lady,” the cowboy drawled. “Why don’t yuh come out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to yuh.”

Wanting to find out for herself if the adage was true, Maddie spent the night with the cowboy. After getting dressed the next morning, she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, the cowboy said, “Thank yuh, ma’am. Ah’m flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me for mah services before.”

“Don’t be flattered,” Maddie hissed. “Take that money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

A man approached a streetwalker and asked, “Hey, sweetie, can I buy two minutes of your time?”

She replied, “What do you think you can do with me in just two minutes?”

“Come and go,” the man muttered.

Question: How do you know you’re getting old?

Answer: You start having dry dreams and wet farts.

One day Tommy asked his father, “What’s that thingy between Mom’s legs?”

“The door to heaven,” his dad replied.

“What’s that thingy between yours?” the ten-year-old prodded.

“The key to the door.”

“Hey, Dad, I think you should change the lock,” Tommy advised. “The guy next door has a spare key.”

Jack had an earache one day and went to his doctor’s office. He was waiting in an examination room when a beautiful young woman with a fantastic body stepped in.

“Dr. Brown is on vacation,” she announced. “But don’t worry. I’m a professional. I’ve seen it all before. So tell me why you’re here, and I’ll check it out.”

Jack eyeballed the sexy gal and told her, “My wife says my dick tastes funny.”

Two businessmen decided to take a break in their soon-to-open new store. So far only a few shelves were set up. One man said to the other, “I bet any minute now some busybody is gonna walk by, look in the window and wonder what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when a curious old woman peeked through the window and then entered the store. “What are you boys selling here?” she inquired.

The second businessman replied sarcastically, “We’re selling assholes.”

Without skipping a beat, the biddy remarked, “Sales must be going well. Only two left.”

Lester’s wife asked him where he wanted to be buried. Apparently “balls-deep in your sister” was not the right answer.

Bart went fishing one afternoon and hadn’t caught a thing in two hours. In the meantime the local pastor showed up and cast his line into the stream. Within half an hour he’d reeled in dozens of fish.

Pissed off about this, Brad went over to the clergyman and asked him, “Why are you catching fish and I’m not?”

“Well, my son,” the pastor replied, “go home and rub your hand between your wife’s legs. Then rub all of your bait. The smell will attract the fish.”

Brad packed up his gear and went home. Seeing his wife cooking dinner in the kitchen, he tiptoed up behind her, stuck his hand up her skirt and started rubbing her pussy.

His wife giggled and whispered. “Hello, Reverend. Going fishing again?”

A female assistant was giving her boss a blowjob when the executive’s cell phone rang. He picked it up and heard his wife scream, “Where the hell are you?! You were supposed to be home an hour ago!”

Putting a hand on the back of his assistant’s head, the executive replied, “Don’t worry, dear. I’m coming right now.”

Mike asked his buddy Don, “Hey, what’s bugging you?”

“I just had another fight with my wife,” Don replied. “That woman gives me shit for no reason at all.”
“So what set her off this time?” Mike prodded.

“We were both horny and just about to start having sex,” Don explained. “She had already taken off her blouse and jeans when I asked, ‘Why are you wearing your sister’s bra?’”

A man was in the delivery room with his wife, who was about to give birth.

“Get this baby out of me!” she shrieked. “Give me the drugs! You did this to me, you fucker!”

Her husband responded, “If you recall, I wanted to stick my dick up your ass, but you said, ‘Fuck off. It’ll be too painful.’”

Question: Why did God create Eve after Adam?

Answer: She thought she could do much better.

Here’s an odorous recollection from a gal name Alice:

“During lunch today I ate three servings of baked beans, which I knew was a bad idea. When I got home from work, my husband Kevin exclaimed, ‘Darling, I have a surprise for dinner!’

“He then blindfolded me and led me to my seat at the dining room table. Just as Kevin was about to remove the blind-fold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to remove the blindfold until he returned.

“The beans were making my insides rumble, and I desperately had to fart. I cut one, and it was loud and smelled worse than cooked cabbage. I took a nap-kin and vigorously fanned the air around me. Then I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than a truck hauling fertilizer running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump. While keeping my ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, I released a few more farts. The pleasure was fantastic!

“Eventually Kevin’s telephone farewell signaled the end of my freedom. I quickly fanned the air again, pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband apologized for taking so long.

“Kevin asked if I’d peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I hadn’t. When he finally removed it, I saw dinner guests seated around the table, all pinching their noses. Then they began to sing ‘Happy birthday to you….’”

A couple lived together for 20 years without tying the knot of matrimony. After they wed, the bride’s best friend asked her, “What made you finally decide to get married?”

The bride replied, “I got tired of giving him blowjobs.”

Boris got fired from his job because he kept asking customers whether they preferred smoking or nonsmoking. Apparently the correct terms are cremation and burial.

A lesbian went to a gynecologist for a downstairs checkup. He looked inside and exclaimed, “Ma’am, your vagina is one of the cleanest I’ve ever seen during all my years as a gynecologist.”

“And it should be!” the lesbian asserted. “I have a woman come in three times a week.”

Fiona and Mark were a married couple who lived on the 40th floor of a condo. One afternoon Fiona was having sex with her lover, a hunk named Jason, when she heard her hubby arriving home early. Fiona told Ja son to stand still and not move a muscle.

“What’s this?” Mark asked after noticing the naked dude in their bedroom.

“It’s the robot I bought to have sex with when you aren’t here,” Fiona fibbed.

“Well, since you’re already naked,” Mark bellowed, “let’s have sex right now!”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Fiona murmured. “My period just started. Let me get you a glass of wine.”

After his wife left, Mark thought, I’m so horny, I’m gonna fuck that robot. As he stepped behind him, Jason announced in a robotic monotone, “System error. Wrong hole. Please step away.”

“Damn robot!” Mark shouted. “You’re a worthless piece of shit! I’m gonna throw you out the window!”

Remembering he was on the 40th floor, Jason stuck with the robotic act: “Software updated. Please try again.”

Question: Why do redneck couples prefer doggy-style?

Answer: They both can watch wrestling while having sex.

When asked by his father if he knew about the birds and the bees, the young boy exploded: “Look, Pop, I found out there was no Santa Claus at six, no Easter Bunny at seven and no Tooth Fairy at eight. If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t fuck, I’ve had it!”

Cole and Mimi were invited to a masquerade party. But at the last minute Mimi had a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone. Off he went, and she took some aspirin and dozed for an hour.

Awakening free of pain, Mimi decided to go to the party. Cole didn’t know what she’d be wearing, giving her an opportunity to see what he did when she wasn’t with him. Mimi spotted hubby cavorting around the dance floor with several attractive women, copping a little feel here and there.

Mimi sidled up to him and, being a seductive babe, let her dance partner go as far as he wanted with his hands. Then he whispered a proposition in her ear, and they dashed off to an empty room and had a quickie.

Just before midnight, when the revelers had to unmask, Mimi slipped away, drove home and put her costume away. She was reading when Cole ambled into the bedroom. “How was the party?” Mimi asked.

“Same old, same old,” Cole muttered. “I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

“Did you dance with anyone?”

“I didn’t dance at all,” her husband replied. “After I arrived, I ran into Pete and Bill, and we ended up playing poker all night. But you’re not gonna believe what happened to the guy I lent my mask and costume to.”

As the groom got into bed next to his young bride, he whispered, “Will I be the first to do this to you?”

She giggled, then said, “What a silly question. I don’t even know what position we’re going to fuck in yet.”

During a round of golf a Swedish woman bent over to place her ball on a tee. Suddenly a gust of wind lifted her skirt, revealing her lack of underwear.

“Good God, Inga!” her husband hollered. “Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?!”

“You don’t give me enough money to af­ford any,” Inga replied.

Her mate reached into his pocket and said, “For the sake of decency, take this money and buy yourself some undies.”

Next up was Colleen, an Irish lass. When she bent over to put her ball on a tee, the wind made her skirt fly up too. “Blessed Vir­gin Mary!” her husband roared. “Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?”

“I can’t afford any with the money you give me,” Colleen snarled.

Her husband reached into his pocket, forked over 20 euros and said, “For the sake of decency, go buy yourself some knickers.”

Finally a Scotsman’s wife bent over to get her ball on a tee, and-you guessed it-a gust of wind blew the lady’s skirt clear over her head, exposing her overgrown bush. “Sweet mother of Jaysus, Aggie!” her hubby howled. “Where ta hell are your drawers?!”

“You never give me enough money to af­ford them,” Aggie responded.

Hearing that, the Scotsman reached into his pocket and growled, “Well, for the sake of decency, here’s a bloody comb. Tidy yer­self up a bit.”

Question: When is it okay to kick a midget in the nuts?

Answer: When he’s standing in front of your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.

Frank and Trisha had two gorgeous daughters, but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time. Lo and behold, Trisha got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father couldn’t wait to see his new son in the nursery. But when the nurse held him up, Frank was horrified. The baby was the ugliest child he’d ever seen.

Frank said to his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. He doesn’t look anything like our two beautiful daughters. Have you been fooling around behind my back?”

Trisha smiled sweetly and cooed, “No, not this time.”

A text message to a neighbor: “Hi, Max. This is Richard. I live in the gray house next door. I thought you should know that I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night, when you’re not around. I haven’t been getting it at home for months. I know that’s no excuse, but the temptation was too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll ac­cept my sincere apology. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.”

Feeling betrayed, Max grabbed a gun, went next door and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured him­self a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discov­ered an unread text message:

“Hi, Max. Richard again. Sorry about the typo in my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the damn auto­correct had changed ‘wi-fi’ to ‘wife.’ Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.”