Jokes

Gerty decided she wanted to look younger, so the fiftysomething rounded up a range of cosmetics designed to knock years off her age. She spent five grueling hours applying the various creams and lotions, then emerged from the bathroom and presented herself to her husband.

“Howard, be honest with me,” Gerty cooed. “What age do I look?”

“Let’s see,” Howard retorted, looking her over. “From your skin, I’d say 25; from your hair, 21; from your figure, 33.”

“You’re so sweet,” Gerty gushed.

“Hold your horses, dear!” Howard hollered. “I haven’t added the numbers up yet.”

While shooting the shit with her girlfriend, Mary remarked, “I don’t know what the big deal is about edible panties. After you wear them a couple of days, they taste just like the other ones.”

Thinking that her goldfish had epilepsy, a blonde took it to an animal hospital. A veterinarian watched the thing swim around for a few minutes, then said, “Your goldfish seems calm enough to me.”

“Wait until you take it out of the bowl,” the blonde gasped.

Question: How do you get a Jewish woman to stop having sex?

Answer: Marry her.

David rushed excitedly into his local tavern. “A lady just fainted on the sidewalk!” he yelled to the bartender. “I’m gonna need a double shot of brandy!”

The barkeep hurriedly poured the liquor into a snifter and handed it to the regular. “On the house,” he said.

“Thanks,” David replied before downing the brandy in one gulp. Then he bellowed, “I always get real stressed out when I see someone faint.”

An uptight lawyer carrying a box of frozen crabs boarded an airliner in New Orleans. Right away he asked a flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

“I’m holding you personally responsible for those crabs staying frozen,” the lawyer sternly warned her. “I promised my wife I’d bring some back with me.”

“They’ll be fine, sir,” muttered the flight attendant, who was annoyed by the man’s arrogance. In fact, she couldn’t wait for the plane to land in New York City so she could give the fucker his comeuppance.

A few hours later, as the plane was taxiing toward the terminal, the flight attendant made an announcement over the intercom: “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?” she politely asked.

Not one hand went up. The embarrassed lawyer shuffled off the plane emptyhanded, and the flight attendant took home a scrumptious surprise for her boyfriend.

Here I sit,
butt cheeks a-flexin’
Giving birth
To another Texan.

A retired couple were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary at a cozy restaurant. Suddenly a puff of smoke appeared. When it dissolved, a gorgeous fairy about as tall as a salt shaker was standing on the table. She looked up and announced, “For being such an exemplary married couple, I will grant you each a wish.”

The wife—who was 62 years of age, just like her husband—exclaimed, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband!” The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! Two tickets for a cruise liner’s around-the-world voyage materialized in the wife’s hands.

The husband pondered for a few moments. Then he looked at his wife and huffed,”Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry, dear, but my wish is to have a wife who’s 30 years younger than I am.”

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband instantly became 92 years old.

Question: What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

Answer: The location of the dirtbag.

Upon opening a long-awaited mail-order package, Gary yelped in joy. “Hey, Mary, my Olympic condoms finally arrived,” he told his nympho girlfriend. “I’m gonna wear a gold one tonight.”

“Why not wear a silver one?” Mary suggested. “You could come second for a change.”

A bill collector went to the home of a hottie who had fallen behind on her furniture payments. “All right, young lady,” the guy muttered as he stepped into her living room. “How about the next installment on your couch?”

The gal shrugged, then said, “I guess that’s better than having to give you some money.”

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 low-cut dress.

“How could you do this!” he bellowed.

“I don’t know,” the wife wailed. “I was just looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was as if the devil were whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'”

“You know how to deal with the devil,” the pastor persisted, “Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!'”

“I did,” the wife pleaded, “but then he told me the dress looked great from back there too!”

While sitting in his lawyer’s office, Rodney was asked, “Do you want the bad news or the terrible news first?”

“Give me the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a photograph worth a half-million dollars,” the lawyer stated.

“That’s the bad news?!” Rodney howled. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“The photo in question shows you boning your mistress.”

Question: What’s the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

Answer: You can drop her off anywhere.

A husband and wife were watching a TV show exploring the phenomenon of “mixed emotions.” In a matter of minutes the man of the house fumed, “This is an absolute bunch of crap! I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

The wife’s retort: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.”

Curiosity, it has
been said,
Will lead some women
into bed.
They’ll tease, and
they’ll poke.
They’ll squeeze, and
they’ll stroke.
And even go down
and give head.

A distinguished professor was asked to give a lecture on sex. Upon being introduced, he stood up, cleared his throat and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.” And then he promptly sat down.

Lilly and Tom had just finished screwing when Lilly asked, “If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?”

Tom rolled off his condom, tied a knot in it and flushed it down the toilet. “Well,” he said, “if he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”

Question: Why did the blonde decide to sell her car?

Answer: She needed gas money.

Josh admitted to his best friend, “Alcohol totally fucks with my judgment. Last night I went home at two with a ten. This morning I woke up at ten with a two.”

When Doug met a hooker in a local pub, she said, “This must be your lucky night. I’ll do anything you want for $300, so long as you can describe it in three words.”

Delighted, Doug immediately pulled three $100 bills from his wallet. With each Benjamin he placed on the bar, he uttered one word: “Paint…my…house.”

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when suddenly a young man in a trench coat ran up and flashed them. Two had a stroke. The third couldn’t reach.

A tall Texan rancher donning a ten gallon Stetson strode into a sleazy cocktail lounge with his buddies. As he passed a veteran waitress bent over wiping a table, he slapped her on the ass and said, “Ah shore do wish ah had a little pussy.”

The waitress glanced up at him without stopping and remarked, “So do I.”

Nancy answered the phone only to hear heavy breathing. She was about to hang up when a hoarse voice whispered in her ear, “I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”

“Why, yes!” Nancy exclaimed. “He’s drinking beer and watching TV. Who should I say is calling?”

Question: Why did it take the Hispanic couple six weeks to drive across the United States?

Answer: Because they kept encountering signs that read, “Clean restrooms.”

On an elderly couple’s 50th anniversary, Irene found the negligee she wore on their wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband Butch and asked the retired Marine, “Honey, remember this?”

Butch looked up from his newspaper and replied, “Yes, dear, I do. You wore that negligee the night we were married.”

“Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nodded. “I said, ‘Oh, baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'”

Irene giggled. “That’s exactly what you said. So now it’s 50 years later, and I’m in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?”

Butch looked Irene up and down. “Mission accomplished.”

Al walked into the living room and saw his girlfriend watching a cooking show. “Why are you watching that?” he asked. “You can’t cook!”

“Well,” she replied, “you watch porn.”

There was a young girl
named Mariah,
who succumbed to
her lover’s desire.
She said, “It’s a sin,
but now that it’s in,
could you shove it
a few inches higher?”

Father Patrick invited a pretty young lady working at the hotel desk to his room for dinner when her shift was over. Soon the horny priest was groping the girl.

“Father, please!” the desk clerk protested. “You’re a holy man!”

“It’s okay,” the priest assured her. “It’s written in the Bible.” The girl relented, and the couple banged the whole night.

The next morning the tired clerk asked, “Father? Could I see the Bible passage you mentioned last night?”

Father Patrick found the King James edition in the dresser and pointed to the inside front cover, where somebody had scrawled in pencil, “The girl at the desk puts out.”