Jokes

So where are you coming from?” Jim asked Nick when the two bumped into each other on the sidewalk.

“The cemetery,” Nick answered. “I just buried my mother-in-law.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Jim sympathized. “But what are those scratches on your face?”

“The old broad put up one heck of a fight.”

I read a study that claimed 90% of all men masturbate in the shower,” Meg told Ted, her boyfriend. “And the other 10% sing.”

“Really?” Ted asked.

“Yes,” Meg said. “And do you know what song they sing?”

“No idea.”

“I didn’t think so.”

My fucking girlfriend is impossible to please,” Matt grumbled to his buddy. “Last week I tried to show her that I was thinking about the future of our relationship, but she got mad as hell.”

“What did you do this time?” the buddy wondered.

“I put a case of beer in her refrigerator instead of just a six-pack.”

Life sure ain’t fair,” Hank bitched to anyone who would listen. “When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. But when a woman talks dirty to a man, she gets to charge him by the minute.”

Question: Why do librarians make the best wives?

Answer: They already know how to be quiet.

I asked 100 women to name their favorite shampoo, and the top answer was “How the hell did you get in here?”

A lawyer deposing a woman in a contentious divorce case snarled, “Your husband says you deceived him by cheating with the pool boy—”

“He started it!” she interrupted. “He lied to me first!”

“About what?” the lawyer demanded.

“He said he’d be out all night but suddenly came home at 7:30.”

Little Jimmy and Roy got to talking on their first day of school. “My daddy’s a congressman,” Jimmy boasted.

“Honest?” Roy asked.

“No, just the regular kind.”

Four Catholics—three men and a woman—were having coffee. The first man bragged to his friends, “My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Your Grace.”

Not to be outdone, the second man said, “My son is a cardinal. He’s addressed as Your Eminence.”

The third gent piped up, “My son is the pope. People call him Your Holiness.”

The lone Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence until one of the men prodded her with, “Well?”

“I have a 19-year-old daughter,” the lady stated proudly. “She’s beautiful, with a 38D-24-34 figure. When she walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh, my God!’”

There once was a woman
named Sue,
Who said as her lover withdrew,
“Your brother was quicker
and slicker and thicker.
And two inches longer than you.
Goodbye!”

At breakfast one morning Darlene told her hubby Max all about her strange dream: “I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10.”

“What about one my size?” Max asked.

“It didn’t even get a bid!” Darlene scoffed.

Of course Max felt a little insulted. So the very next morning he recounted his own dream: “I was at an auction for vaginas. The supertight ones sold for thousands of dollars. The used, loose pussies brought $10.”

Darlene was curious. “What about one like mine?”

“That’s where they held the auction.”

Question: What does it mean when a blonde impresses you with her intelligence?

Answer: You’ve had too much to drink.

Marilyn brought home an urn containing her husband’s remains and poured them onto the kitchen counter. Tracing her fingers through the ashes, she started talking: “Irving, remember that fur coat you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money.”

After a minute, Marilyn asked, “Remember that new car you promised me? Well, I bought that with the insurance money too. And that emerald necklace? Insurance money.”

Finally, still tracing her finger through the ashes, Marilyn snickered, “Irving, remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes!”

Judge Johnson looked down at a defendant and pronounced, “You are charged with murdering a schoolteacher with a chainsaw.”

Suddenly a man in the courtroom shouted, “You lying bastard!”

“Silence!” the judge demanded, banging his gavel. Again he addressed the defendant: “Secondly, you are charged with beating a paperboy to death with a shovel.”

“You tightwad!” the spectator blurted.

“Quiet!” the judge ordered before continuing. “Thirdly, you the defendant are accused of killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

“You cheap sonofa—” the spectator began to yell, but the judge thundered back, “If you don’t explain the reason for your outbursts immediately, I will hold you in contempt!”

“I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now,” the spectator responded. “But do you think he ever once had a tool when I asked to borrow one?”

A woman sat down opposite Fat Al on a bus and couldn’t help but comment, “If that stomach was on a woman, I’d think she was pregnant.”

Fat Al shot back, “It was. She is.”

Old Hank was boasting about his new hearing aid to his neighbor. “It cost me $5,000, but it’s the best there is.”

“Really?” the neighbor wondered. “What kind is it?”

“Twelve-thirty.”

Question: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

Answer: Senator.

A middle-aged couple were walking down the street when a beautiful young woman blew the husband a kiss. “I met her last week,” the husband muttered. “Professionally of course.”

“Which profession?” the wife in quired. “Yours or hers?” 

There once was a woman
named Alice,
Who used a dynamite stick
as a phallus.
They found her vagina
Up in North Carolina
And the rest of poor Alice
in Dallas.

After a lengthy operation, John Boehner awoke in a hospital bed. “Why are the curtains closed?” he asked the nurse. “Is it night?”

“There’s a fire across the street,” the nurse answered. “We didn’t want you waking up and thinking the operation was unsuccessful.”

Beth and Chuck were having dinner one evening when Chuck took his wife’s hand and said, “Soon we will be married 35 years, and there’s something I have to know. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Beth replied, “I have to be honest, dear. I’ve been unfaithful three times but always for a good reason.”

Hurt by his wife’s confession, Chuck groaned, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘a good reason’?”

Beth explained, “The very first time was shortly after our wedding, and we were about to lose our house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended.”

Chuck recalled the visit to the banker. “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But what about the second time?”

“Do you remember when we didn’t have the money to pay for your bypass operation?” Beth continued. “Well, I went to see the doctor, and if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”

“You did it to save my life,” Chuck acknowledged, “so of course I forgive you. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Beth sighed. “Do you remember when you ran for president of the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

As two cannibals were eating dinner, one said, “Your wife sure makes a great stew.”

“I know,” agreed the other. “But I’m still gonna miss her.”

Mr. Jones complained to his urologist that he couldn’t get an erection and make love to his wife. “Bring her with you tomorrow,” the doctor advised. “I’ll see what I can do.”

The following day the man returned with his wife. “I’d like you to take off your clothes, Mrs. Jones,” the doctor instructed. “Now turn around. Lie down, please. Uh-huh. I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.”

Finally, the urologist took Mr. Jones aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he stated. “Your wife didn’t give me a boner either.”

Question: How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?

Answer: It’s not hard.

Stan opened his front door to find his mother-in-law sobbing on the porch with a suitcase in her hand. “Frank and I had a terrible fight!” she bawled. “Can I stay here for a few days?”

“Sure you can,” Stan replied. “Just don’t try to come inside.”

Before 12 seminary students could be ordained as priests, they had to pass one final test. They were told to line up naked in the chapel, where a stripper would dance for them. A bell was tied around each man’s dick, and they were informed that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained since he had not yet embraced spiritual purity.

The stripper danced before the first wannabe priest with no reaction, so she proceeded down the line. Still no response, until she reached the final candidate. As she shimmied before him, his bell rang so loudly, it fell off and clattered to the floor. Embarrassed, he bent over to pick it up, and 11 other bells began to ring.

A gentle old lady I knew
Was dozing one day
in her pew.
When the preacher
yelled, “Sin!”
She exclaimed,
“Count me in,
As soon as the service
is through!”

Dan arrived at the doctor’s office only to discover that his new physician was a drop-dead gorgeous redhead. At first he was embarrassed, but the doctor soothed, “Don’t worry. I’m a professional. I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong, and I’ll check it out.”

So Dan quickly dropped his pants. “My wife says my penis tastes funny.”  

I just slept with a Brazilian,” a brunette confided to her blond friend.

“Omigod!” the blonde gasped. “You slut! How many is a Brazilian?”