Jokes

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. Finally one boy said, “My father is just better than your father.”

The other kid countered, “Well, my mother is better than your mother.”

The first kid paused. “I guess you’re right. My father says the same thing.” 

My missus packed my bags last night, and as I walked out the door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”

“Oh,” I responded, “so now you want me to stay?”

Harold complained to a friend that his dick was too big. “Women won’t go near the damn thing. It’s 21 inches long!”

“Well,” said the friend, “if you believe in voodoo, there’s an old legend that might help.” He instructed his buddy to find a bullfrog and propose to it. Every time the bullfrog said no, three inches would disappear from Harold’s penis.

Immediately Harold set out for the swamp and located a croaker. “Will you marry me?” he asked.

“No!” came the reply, and three inches vanished from Harold’s penis.

Harold repeated this routine two more times with the same results. Now down to 12 inches, he thought to himself, One more time, and I will have the perfect nine-inch cock. So again he asked, “Will you marry me?”

The bullfrog scowled, “How many times I gotta tell ya? No! No! No! No!”

Question: How is being in the military like a blowjob?

Answer: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

During a vicious quarrel Mary shouted at Fred, “You know, I was a fool when I married you!”

Fred replied, “Yes, dear, but I was so in love with you, I didn’t notice.”

Two executives requiring a new secretary called in the firm’s recruiter. After screening 30 applicants, he eliminated all but three women.

For the final test the first candidate was asked, “How much is three and three?”

“Six,” she replied.

The second was asked the same question and answered, “It could be 33.”

The third stated, “It could be six, and it could be 33.”

When the applicants left the room, the recruiter turned proudly to the execs and said, “Note that the first woman had the obvious answer, the second showed more imagination, and the third showed both practicality and imagination. Now which will you hire?”

The two executives conferred briefly and announced their decision: “We’ll take the blonde in the tight sweater.”

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines eternity as the time between your coming and her going.

There is nothing worse, after a night of heavy drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their fucking name or how you met or why they’re dead.

Question: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Answer: Slow down and use more lube.

A young man dashed into a bar and demanded, “Give me 13 margaritas! Quick!”

“Wow, that’s quite an order!” the bartender exclaimed. “What’s the big occasion?”

“My first blowjob.”

“Definitely reason to celebrate,” the barkeep said with a smile. “I still remember mine. So how about one more on the house?”

“No, thanks,” the young man muttered. “If 13 don’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”

There once was a man
from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long,
he could suck it.
He said with a grin
as he wiped off his chin,
“If my ear was a cunt,
I could fuck it!”

Miss Thompson walked into a bank, carrying a large paper bag filled with money. “Did you hoard all this money by yourself?” inquired the matronly teller.

“No,” said the girl. “My sister whored half of it.” 

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines Alabama foreplay as “Get in the truck, bitch.”

A cop stopped Hank and was giving him a ticket for riding his horse downtown. Hank whispered in the horse’s ear, and all of a sudden the horse got a huge boner. The policeman was amazed and asked Hank to talk to his horse again. The huge red horse cock stretched out once more, and the cop was visibly impressed.

“Tell me what you said to make the horse grow that hard-on, and I’ll tear up your ticket,” the cop said.

“That’s real nice of you, Officer. What I said was, ‘All cops are cocksuckers!’” 

Finishing a prepared statement, the blustering politician threw the press conference open for questions.

“Is it true you were born in a log cabin?” one sarcastic reporter asked.

“You’re thinking of Abraham Lincoln,” the politician answered. “I was born in a manger.” 

A filthy, wheezing bum asked a passing man for $5. “Will you buy booze with the money?” the man asked.

“Nope,” the hobo promised.

“Will you gamble it away?” the passerby inquired.

“Unh-unh,” the beggar shook his head.

“Will you wager it on football games?” the man demanded.

“No,” the bum replied. “I don’t even watch football.”

“Okay,” the man said. “I’ll give you $5, but only if you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink, gamble or watch football.” 

The golf nut arrived home three hours late from his weekly game looking utterly disgusted and completely exhausted. He dragged himself inside the house, flopped into his favorite chair and asked his wife for a strong drink.

“That’s the last time I play with George!” he fumed. “The man has absolutely no consideration for his fellow golfers!”

“Wow! You’re pretty angry,” the wife said. “What did he do?”

“The inconsiderate prick had a heart attack on the fourth hole,” exclaimed the golfer. “For the rest of the day it was hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George…” 

Question: Why is it that California has the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most toxic-waste dumps?

Answer: New Jersey had first choice.

After hearing some new words on the playground, a young boy went to his mom and asked her what a pussy was. His mom opened up the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat. Then he asked her what a bitch was. She showed him a picture of a female dog.

Confused by her answers, he went to his father and asked him what a pussy was. His father grabbed a HUSTLER and circled the area between a woman’s legs.

“Well, what’s a bitch then?” asked the boy.

“Everything outside of the circle,” replied the dad.

A middle-aged housewife took all her clothes off and asked her husband, “What turns you on more, honey, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked her up and down and replied, “Your sense of humor.”

After getting an urgent call from his attorney, George rushed over to his lawyer’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked.

“Well,” George contemplated, “if those are my choices, I guess I’ll take the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”

“That’s the bad news?!” George was stunned. “If you call that bad, I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“The terrible news is that it’s a picture of you and your secretary.”

Question: Why did the prostitute with two cunts get kicked out of the brothel?

Answer: The other girls didn’t like her holier-than-thou attitude.

Two rednecks were sitting around drinking beer and shooting the breeze. After a while one of them said to the other, “If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?”

The second redneck scratched his head and squinted, thinking hard. Finally he answered, “Dadgum! I don’t know about related, but it damn sure would make us even.”

An elderly couple was sitting in church when the wife noticed people staring at her. She leaned into her husband and whispered, “I just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”

Anna boarded a train and wound up sitting across from a fat banker pigging out on a tray full of oysters. His manners were appalling. He kept belching, swearing and tossing shells on the floor at the young woman’s feet. Finally he finished eating, threw the oily tray on the seat next to her and roared with laughter.

Anna calmly picked up the tray and all the shells off the floor and tossed everything out the window. Then she pulled the emergency stop.

“You dumb bitch!” the suit yelled. “That’s going to cost you a huge fine!”

“Maybe so,” Anna said, “but when the police smell your fingers, it’s going to cost you 10 to 20 years!”

Tucker was in the middle of a job interview when his potential employer asked, “What would you say is your biggest weakness?”

“I think I’m too honest,” he admitted.

“I don’t see that as being a weakness at all,” stated the interviewer.

“Well,” Tucker exclaimed, “I don’t give a fuck what you think!”

Question: Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?

Answer: Because you could fit another pair of tits there.

A newly divorced couple appeared in court to discuss alimony arrangements. After hearing both sides, the judge declared, “Mr. Smith, I’ve decided to give your wife $1,500 a month.”

“That’s very generous of you, Your Honor,” the husband remarked. “And when I can, I’ll slip her a few bucks myself.”

There once was a man
named Fred
Who swore that he never
would wed
Because wives might fuck,
but they hate to suck.
And Fred sure loved
getting head.