Jokes

Drinks are on me,” announced a 70-year-old millionaire to his friends in a country club bar. “I’m getting married to an 18-year-old lingerie model tomorrow!”

“I know you’ve got money,” said another club member. “But even so, how did you manage to get such a gorgeous, young girl to marry a guy your age?” “I told her I was 95.”  

Question: What do you call six lawyers lying on a lawn?

Answer: Fertilizer  

Question: Why is whiskey such a popular drink?

Answer: It makes you see double and feel single.

When Greg stumbled home at 3 a.m. Monday morning, his wife was furious. “How would you feel if you didn’t see me for two days?” she hollered.

Greg couldn’t believe his luck. “That would be great!”

Monday passed, and he didn’t see her. Tuesday and Wednesday passed too. On Thursday morning, the swelling went down a little, and now Greg could see her from the corner of one eye. 

Question: What’s the Greek Army motto?

Answer: Never leave your buddy’s behind. 

A Mafia godfather discovered that his bookkeeper, Guido, had cheated him out of $10 million. The bookkeeper was deaf, which was part of the reason he’d been hired in the first place. It was assumed that since Guido could hear nothing, he wouldn’t have to testify in court. 

When the godfather went to confront Guido about the embezzled millions, he brought along a lawyer who knew sign language. “Ask him where the money is,” the godfather instructed. 

The lawyer, using sign language, did as he was told. The bookkeeper signed back, and the lawyer relayed, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The godfather pulled out a pistol, pressed it against Guido’s temple and demanded, “Ask him again, and let him know if he doesn’t tell me, I’ll kill him!”

“He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him,” the lawyer signed to Guido. 

The deaf bookkeeper trembled and signed back, “Okay, you win! The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed at my cousin Tony’s house.”

“What did he say?” the godfather asked. 

The lawyer answered, “he says you’re too stupid to pull the trigger.”

The good doctor pulled the bedsheet over the face of one of his patients, then went out in the hall to speak with the family.

“How is he, Doc?” the patient’s wife asked anxiously. 

“Well,” the doctor replied, “he’s finally stable.”

Nancy was walking down the street when she noticed a sign in a pet shop window that read, “Pussylicking frog – see inside!”

Intrigued, Nancy stepped into the store to speak with the owner. “Hello,” she called out.

“Bonjour!” replied the owner. 

Question: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Answer: Marry her. 

Young Tommy asked his father, “Daddy, what is making love?”

The father quickly answered, “I don’t know, son. I think it’s something your mother does when I fuck her.”

Little Bobby bragged, “Mommy, I’m going to be just like Daddy when I grow up.”

His mother replied, “I’m sorry, dear, but you can’t do both.”

Question: How can you tell if a pig is in heat?

Answer: She buys the first three rounds. 

A reporter, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by the sociological changes in the country. On previous visits, she had noted that women walked about five paces behind their men at all times. Now, she observed, women were walking ahead of their husbands by at least 20 paces. 

Curious, the reporter approached one of the wives for an explanation. “To what do you attribute this remarkable role reversal?” she inquired. 

The Kuwaiti woman just frowned and said, “Land mines.”

Question: What’s the longest sentence in the English language?

Answer: I do.

Harold had been pounding brews at the pub all night. When he got about as drunk as he could possibly get, some college kids noticed his condition and decided to be good Samaritans by taking him home. So they stood him up to get his wallet and find out where he lived, but he fell down. In fact, he fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

Finally they made it to the house, only to have him drop to the ground another four times on the way to the door. When Harold’s wife answered the bell, one of the boys announced, “We brought your husband home.” 

“Oh, that’s nice of you kids,” the wife said, “but where’s his wheelchair?”

When one wino noticed another lush eating grapes, he ran up to him in a panic. “Man, what are you doing? You have to wait!”

Newly licensed real estate agent Chris wrote an ad for a house he had recently listed. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift-chair that slid along the staircase. Describing this feature, he inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: “Mother-in-law suite comes with electric chair.”

Question: What does it mean when a man says, “Take a break, honey – you’re working too hard”?

Answer: He can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

“My wife’s an angel,” slurred a drunk to his buddy at the bar. 

“Lucky you,” said his buddy. “Mine’s still alive.”

Question: What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Answer: Not being retarded.

Agnes was sitting down, enjoying a glass of wine, when her husband joined her on the couch and started reading the newspaper.

“I love you so much!” Agnes gushed. “I don’t think I could make it through a single day without you.”

The hubby was a little surprised at this outburst from his normally reserved wife. “Wow, is that you talking or the wine?”

“It’s me,” his wife replied, “talking to the wine.” 

Question: What is a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?

Answer: Humpme Dumpme.

What do you want to be when you grow up?” a teacher asked her third-grade class.

Little Kevin piped up, “I want to start out as a Marine pilot, then become a billionaire, find me a gorgeous whore and buy her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris and a jet, all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher was completely shocked and didn’t quite know what to do. So she decided to just ignore Kevin’s response and continue with her lesson. “And how about you, Elizabeth?”

“I wanna be Kevin’s whore.” 

Question: What’s the difference between a bonus and a boner?

Answer: Your wife will blow your bonus.

Doug Smith was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, daughter and two sons were all gathered around him. First he addressed his kids: “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. Sybil, you take the apartments on the East End. Jamie, I want you to take the offices downtown.” Finally he turned to his wife. “Sarah, my dear, you can have all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse was totally blown away by all of this, and as Doug slipped away, she said, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a wonderful, hard-working man to have accumulated all that property.”

“Property?!” Sarah exclaimed. “The schmuck was dividing up his paper route.” 

Question: What’s the upside to growing really old?

Answer: Less and less peer pressure.

Upon returning from his weekend pass, a soldier was questioned by his commanding officer as to where all his money had gone.

The soldier replied, “Part for booze, part for women, and the rest spent foolishly.” 

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines liposuction as letting the fat out of the bag.

How to please a woman: Love her. Take her to dinner. Miss the game for her. Buy her jewelry. Be interested in what she has to say.

How to please a man: Show up naked. Bring beer.