Jokes

Question: What’s the difference between lawyers and ISIS?

Answer: ISIS has sympathizers.

Good ol’ Farmer John bought a rooster that turned out to be a sex maniac. As soon as he got the bird home, it went into a frenzy, mating with each and every chicken in the barnyard. Then it moved on to have a go at the ducks, the geese and the turkeys. It even tried to screw the sheep. That darn rooster was insatiable and spent a solid week fucking nonstop. So the farmer wasn’t surprised when he came across the bird lying motionless and flat on its back in the dirt while a couple of buzzards circled in the sky above.

“I knew your heart would give out sooner or later,” said Farmer John. The rooster opened an eye, gestured toward the buzzards and whispered, “Get lost. You’ll scare them away.”

Question: What do you call an unarmed black man being arrested?

Answer: You call him an ambulance.

A prostitute went to her doctor and complained that she thought that she might be a hemophiliac.

“That’s quite serious! What makes you think that you might be a hemophiliac?” asked the physician.

“Well, Doctor, lately I’ve noticed that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed out forever.”

“I see,” noted the concerned doctor. “Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?”

The prostitute thought for a moment and then answered, “About $600.”

Question: What kind of man is the least likely to cheat on his wife?

Answer: The kind that likes his house.

Hillary Clinton and her campaign manager were jogging around the block one morning. Suddenly Hillary exclaimed, “When I get home, I’m going to run upstairs and tear off Bill’s underwear!”

“Gee, Hillary,” said the campaign manager. “I didn’t know that jogging turned you on so much.”

“It doesn’t,” Hillary replied. “It’s just that they’re starting to ride up on me.”

Adam and Eve had just finished fucking for the very first time. Adam was lying, content, in the soft grass of Eden when suddenly God appeared.

“Well, my son,” the Lord said, “how didst thou like sex?”

“Oh!” Adam exclaimed. “It was incredible! I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed it.”

“And what didst Eve think?” God asked.

Adam smiled. “She liked it too.” God looked around and asked his creation, “Where is thy mate?”

Adam pointed to the edge of the garden. “She’s washing over by the river.”

God clenched his fists in anger, and the skies turned black. As Earth’s first man ran to hide behind a tree, he whimpered, “What is wrong, my Lord?”

“Wrong?” God yelled. “Now I’ll never get that damn smell out of the fucking fish!”

Question: What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?

Answer: He grows taller.

An elderly man was out for a drive when he received a phone call from his new young wife.

“Dean, please be very careful,” she said. “I just heard on the radio that some idiot out there is driving the wrong way on the freeway.”

“Are you kidding me?” he said. “There are hundreds of them.”

Three coalition soldiers—an American, a Brit and a Frenchman —were captured by their common enemy and made to face a firing squad.

The American soldier was up first. As he stood against the wall, he looked behind the firing squad and shouted, “Flood!” When the militants turned to look, he ran away, escaping death.

The Brit followed the American’s lead. When his captors took aim, he yelled, “Dust storm!” He too managed to get away.

Catching on, the French soldier looked at his executioners and hollered, “Fire!”

Question: Why are New Yorkers’ dicks always so sore?

Answer: Because they’re Yankees.

Ralph and Edna, patients in a mental hospital, often took walks together. One day they were walking past the hospital swimming pool when, without warning, Ralph took a running leap and jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped into the water and pulled him out, saving his life. When the hospital director learned of her heroism, he immediately ordered Edna’s discharge.

“Edna,” he said, informing her of his decision, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of a person you love. I have concluded that your act displays mental stability. You are now free to go.” He paused before continuing grimly, “The bad news is that Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I’m so very sorry, Edna. Your friend is dead.”

“He didn’t hang himself,” replied Edna. “I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

How about we go into the bedroom and 69?” John asked his wife Marge.

“Well, it is that time of the month,” she replied. “But if you don’t mind, go for it.”

They went into the bedroom and were 69ing like crazy when the doorbell rang.

“Answer it,” Marge directed.

“But my face is a mess,” fretted John. “It’s probably only the FedEx guy,” she reassured him. “If he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich.”

So John slipped on his pants and answered the door. Immediately the deliveryman began staring.

“Sorry about my mouth,” John apologized, wiping his lips self-consciously. “I was eating a jam sandwich.”

“I wasn’t looking at the jam on your mouth,” said the FedEx guy. “I was looking at the chocolate on your forehead.”

Question: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

Answer: A wet nose.

A man was struck by a bus on a busy New York City street. A group of bystanders gathered around him as he lay dying on the sidewalk.

“A priest!” gasped the man. “Somebody get me a priest!”

A police officer called out to the crowd, but no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind could be found.

“A priest, please!” repeated the dying victim as the life drained from his body.

Just then a little old man stepped out from the crowd and waved his cane.

“Officer,” said the old geezer, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even Catholic. But for the past 50 years I’ve lived behind Saint Elizabeth’s Catholic Church. Every night I’ve listened to the Catholic litany. Perhaps I can bring some comfort to this poor soul in his last moments.”

The officer nodded and ushered the octogenarian through the crowd. The old fart knelt down on the street, leaned over the dying man and began ministering in a solemn voice, “B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. B- 15. O-72…”

After announcing her bid for the White House, Hillary Clinton discovered she was pregnant. Furious, she called Bill.

“This is the last thing I need right now,” she fumed. “How in the hell could you get me pregnant at a time like this?”

She waited for him to say something, anything, but there was only silence on his end of the line.

“Bill,” Hillary shouted. “I’m pregnant! I’m going to have a baby, and it’s all your fault, you careless bastard!”

Again, Bill didn’t make a sound.

“Bill, did you hear me? Say something!” she demanded.

Finally, in a cautious and barely audible whisper, Bill asked, “Who is this?”

Question: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?

Answer: Because most men are stupid, but only a few are blind.

Little Tommy went to his father and asked, “Dad, what does a pussy look like?”

“Well, son,” the father said. “Before sex, a woman’s vagina looks like a perfect pink rosebud covered with perfect perfumed dew drops.”

“So,” asked the kid, “what does it look like after sex?”

“Well, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”

An extremely competitive married couple were playing golf one day. As they were waiting for the group in front of them to finish putting, the hubby turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I have a confession to make: A few years back, I had an affair with my secretary.”

The wife said nothing, but during the next lull in the game, she turned to her spouse. “I also have a confession to make,” she said. “I used to be a man.”

The husband was silent for a minute. Then he yelled, “You bitch! You’ve been playing from the ladies’ tees this whole fucking time!”

Question: Why does the American Bar Association prohibit lawyers from fucking their clients?

Answer: To prevent clients from being billed for the same service twice.

In church one morning, the preacher called out, “Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the altar.”

So Leroy immediately got in line. When it was his turn, the good preacher asked him, “What would you like us to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Father, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher rested his hands over Leroy’s ears and prayed. The whole congregation joined in, calling loudly on the Lord for his help. After a few minutes the preacher removed his hands and stood back. “Praise the Lord,” he said. “How is your hearing now, my son?”

Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t till Thursday.”

Question: What is a gold digger’s favorite position?

Answer: CEO.

Sitting at a bar drinking beer, John and Nick struck up a conversation about women.

“I always look for a woman with blond hair, shapely legs and a short skirt,” said Nick. “When I see a woman like that, I figure, now here’s a girl who knows what she wants and how to get it.”

John shook his head. “Not me. I always look for a woman with a really bad tattoo.”

“A bad tattoo? Why?”

“Because when I see a woman with a shitty tattoo, I figure, here’s a girl who’s capable of making a decision that she’s truly going to regret.”

Question: What do you call a pill that’s part Viagra, part laxative?

Answer: Easy come, easy go.

A woman was in bed with a young man when she heard her husband Joe opening the front door.

“Hurry,” she hissed at her lover. “Stand in the corner.”

She coated the young man in baby oil and then dusted him all over with talcum powder.

“Don’t move until I tell you,” she instructed. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this?” Joe inquired when he saw the strange new object.

“Oh, it’s a statue,” his wife replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths have one just like it in their bedroom, and I thought it was so cool that I bought one for us.”

No more was said on the subject. Around 2 a.m. Joe got up, went to the kitchen and returned with two sandwiches.

“Here,” he said, handing the statue a sandwich. “You’ll need this. I stood like that for two fucking days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

Question: What can a woman put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

Answer: Her knees.

After finishing a marathon sex session with a patient, Dr. Chang began to feel guilty over the ethics of fornicating with one of his charges. He felt so troubled that he went to therapy the next day to discuss his feelings.

“Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients,” his therapist reassured him. “You’re certainly not the first.”

“Yeah,” replied Dr. Chang, “but they probably weren’t veterinarians.”

Question: What did the man say when his wife complained that he never listened to a word she said?

Answer: Nothing. He had no idea what she was bitching about.

A long-haired 20-year-old was hitchhiking through the Deep South when he got picked up by a mean-looking trucker. After riding for 30 minutes in silence, the hitchhiker finally said, “Aren’t you going to ask?”

“Ask you what?” replied the trucker.

“If I’m a boy or a girl.”

“Don’t much matter,” replied the trucker. “I’m gonna fuck ya either way.”