Jokes

HUSTLER Wisdom: Of course a man and woman can be friends with no sex involved. It’s called marriage.

Staring at the agent, Trevor exclaimed, “Yup, it surely was!”

Called in for an audit, Trevor was confronted by a surly IRS agent. “It says here that you’re single,” the agent said, “yet you claimed a dependent child. Surely this must be a mistake.”

Staring at the agent, Trevor exclaimed, “Yup, it surely was!”

Question: What does a deaf gynecologist do?

Answer: Read lips.

Connie arrived home flashing a new diamond ring. “Where did you get that?” her husband Mitch asked.

“My boss and I played the lottery,” Connie explained. “We won, so I bought this ring with my share of the winnings.”

A week later she came home wearing a leather coat. “Where did you get that?” her suspicious husband inquired.

“My boss and I played the lottery again,” Connie replied, “and guess what? We won, so I bought this coat with my share of the winnings.”

Three weeks later, Connie returned home in a brand-new Lexus.

“Where did you get that friggin’ car?!” Mitch hollered.

“It may be hard to believe, dear,” Connie cooed. “My boss and I won another big lottery prize, and I bought it with my share of the winnings.”

At bedtime, Connie asked Mitch to run her a nice, warm bath. Once in the bathroom, she noticed that the water was only a few inches deep. “Why didn’t you fill the tub?” Connie murmured.

“Well,” Mitch grunted, “we don’t want to get your lottery ticket wet, do we?”

Question: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

Answer: “We do taste like chicken!”

“I don’t know,” the driver responded. “I haven’t talked to my lawyer yet.”

A cop arrived at the scene of a car accident. He rushed over to the vehicle and asked the driver, “Are you seriously injured?”

“I don’t know,” the driver responded. “I haven’t talked to my lawyer yet.”

Answer: You know for sure that your father is a wanker.

Question: What’s the bad news about being a test-tube baby?

Answer: You know for sure that your father is a wanker.

When Nolan was finished, he asked his pal, “Ya wanna have a turn?”

“Sure,” Bubba agreed. He dropped trou and stuck his head in the fence. “Okay, I’m ready.”

Nolan and Bubba came across a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. “I’m feeling a little frisky,” Nolan said, then proceeded to have his way with the animal.

When Nolan was finished, he asked his pal, “Ya wanna have a turn?”

“Sure,” Bubba agreed. He dropped trou and stuck his head in the fence. “Okay, I’m ready.”

Question: What’s a woman’s idea of a perfect lover?

Answer: A man with a nine-inch tongue who can breathe through his ears.

Mickey Mouse’s lawyer declared, “No, Mickey, you can’t divorce Minnie on the grounds that she was very silly.”

“I didn’t say she was very silly,” Mickey insisted. “I said she was fucking Goofy.”

Ron was walking through his apartment building’s lobby when he bumped into Jennifer, a voluptuous babe wearing a loosely tied robe. She began flirting with Ron.

A few minutes later she placed a hand on his chest and said, “Let’s go to my place. I hear someone coming.”

Ron followed Jennifer to her apartment, and once inside she slipped off her robe. “What do you think is my best feature?” the naked bombshell cooed.

Ron looked her up and down, then nervously replied, “I guess that would be your ears.”

“My ears?!” Jennifer shouted. “How can you possibly think that the best part of this body is my ears?!”

Ron stammered, “Uh, back in the lobby you said you heard someone coming. Well, that was me.”

Question: Why is reading HUSTLER like reading National Geograpic magazine?

Answer: You see many great places you’ll never get to visit.

As a jetliner was taxiing for takeoff, flight attendant Sally concluded her announcement by saying, “On behalf of your captain, Roberta Smith, we wish y’all a pleasant journey.”

A male passenger waved down Sally while she made last-minute checks. “Is this plane really being flown by a woman?” he asked.

“Yes,” Sally informed him. “In fact, the entire crew is female.” “In that case I’ll need a stiff drink once we get underway,” the passenger said. “I don’t wanna think of all those women in the cockpit.”

“That’s another thing,” Sally huffed. “We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it’s the box office.”

Carla purchased a fur coat and was wearing it when she left the store. An older woman approached the twentysomething and snarled, “Do you know how many animals gave up their lives to make that coat?”

Glowering at the woman, Carla responded, “Do you know how many animals I had to fuck to buy a fur coat?”

Jan’s husband Vince came home hammered every night, and she always yelled at him before storming off to bed alone. One night she decided to try reverse psychology.

When Vince staggered into the house, Jan was waiting at the door in her sexiest lingerie. She settled hubby into an armchair and gave him a backrub. A few minutes later, Jan purred, “It’s getting late, big boy. Why don’t we go upstairs to bed?”

“We might as well,” Vince mumbled. “I’m gonna be in trouble with my old lady when I get home anyway.”

A man went to the police station so he could talk to the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” the desk sergeant snarled.

“No, no, no!” the man exclaimed. “I just want to find out how the son of a bitch snuck into the house without waking up my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years.”

A boy was sitting on Santa’s lap. Santa put his finger on the tyke’s nose and, tapping out the letters, said, “I bet your name is J-I-M-M-Y.”

As Jimmy’s eyes lit up, Santa tapped and went on, “I bet you want a B-I-K-E.”

“How did you know that?” Jimmy wondered.

“Because Santa knows everything.” Jimmy thought a moment, then said, “I bet you like G-I-R-L-S.”

“Yes, I do,” Santa admitted. “How did you know that?”

Jimmy replied, “Your fingers smell like P-U-S-S-Y.”

Walt was concerned about his failing eyesight and went to an optometrist. “You should stop masturbating,” the eye doc advised.

“Will I go blind?” Walt asked.

“No,” the optometrist replied, “but you’re upsetting all the people in the waiting room.”

Tom was sitting in a bar when he noticed two attractive women. He called the bartender over and said, “I’d like to buy those ladies a drink.”

“It won’t do you any good,” the bartender warned him.

“I don’t care,” Tom insisted. “I want to buy a round of whatever they’re drinking.”

The bartender delivered cocktails to the ladies, and they acknowledged Tom’s largesse with smiles. About a half hour later he approached the women and said, “I’d like to buy you another round.”

“It won’t do you any good,” the lookers responded in unison.

“Why not?” Tom asked.

“We’re lesbians,” one of the women murmured.

“Lesbians?” Tom gasped. “What are lesbians?”

“We like to lick pussies,” the second gal cooed.

“Bartender!” Tom bellowed. “Three drinks for us lesbians!”

Moments before his wedding, the groom and his best man, who went back a long way as pals and fellow playboys, were comparing amorous conquests. The groom boasted, “Except for my wife-to-be and obviously my mother and sisters, I’ve fucked every woman here.”

“How about that?!” the best man marveled. “Between the two of us we’ve fucked them all.”

A teenage girl named Lisa came home from school and asked her mother, “Is it true what Richie told me? That babies come from the same place boys put their penises during sex?”

Relieved that she wouldn’t have to explain the birds and the bees to her daughter, Lisa’s mom responded, “Yes, dear, your brother is correct.”

Lisa pondered a bit, then murmured, “But when I have a baby, Mom, won’t it knock all my teeth out?”

Ken wanted to make something very clear to his wife: “When we’re screwing, don’t tell me to go deeper,” he suggested. “If I could, I would. You don’t hear me saying, ‘Be tighter.’”

Jed was riding shotgun in Billy-Bob’s pickup when his buddy suddenly stopped and pointed at a farmer’s field. “That’s where I first had sex,” Billy-Bob recalled, misty-eyed.

“How was it?” Jed asked.

“Really great,” Billy-Bob replied, “until I saw that her mother was watching.”

“Holy shit!” Jed exclaimed. “What did she say?”

“Baaaaaa.”

Zeke went to a tattoo shop and had the words yes and no inked onto his pecker. As soon as he got home, he stripped in front of his wife Carrie, proudly showing off the aroused organ and his new tattoos. “What do you think, honey?”

“What do I think?!” Carrie hollered. “You tell me how to cook, how to clean the house, how to dress and how to wear my hair. Now you’re gonna put words in my mouth?!”

Question: What is the ideal breakfast scenario for a married man?

Answer: He’s eating eggs benedict, his mistress is the covergirl of the HUSTLER that just arrived in the mail, his son is the athlete pictured on the Wheaties box, and his wife’s photo is on the back of the milk carton.

After the birth of his daughter, Morris was brooding in the maternity ward’s waiting room. Noticing the gloomy fellow, an obstetrician went over to him and asked, “Excuse me, but why the long face?”

Morris replied, “To be honest, Doc, I didn’t want a daughter. I was hoping for a kid who had, you know, a penis.”

Trying to cheer him up, the obstetrician patted Morris on the shoulder and said, “Don’t worry. In about 16 or 17 years she’ll have a fine place to put one.”

A newly confirmed nun stepped into the confessional booth and told the priest, “Father, I never wear panties underneath my habit.”

“That’s not very sinful,” the priest assured her. “Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.”

A queen was on a tour of her country’s hospitals when she reached a room in which a male patient was beating off. “Oh, my!” she shrieked. “That’s disgraceful!”

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty,” said the doctor showing her around. “That man has a very severe condition. His testicles fill rapidly with semen. If he doesn’t masturbate six times a day, they will explode.”

“I understand,” the queen remarked.

On the next floor she noticed a room in which a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob. “Oh, my!” the queen gasped. “What’s happening in there?!”

The doctor replied, “Same semen buildup, just a better health plan.”

Two geezers were shooting the shit. “I used to be a pizza deliveryman,” Jerry recalled. “What a cruel job. You could look at them and smell them, but you couldn’t eat them.”

“I know what you mean,” Victor said. “I used to be a gynecologist.”