HALLOWEEN’S HISTORY IS OLDER THAN THAT GODFORSAKEN, STALE CANDY CORN PEOPLE STILL INSIST ON HANDING OUT EVERY YEAR. TO BE FAIR, THERE ARE REALLY TWO HISTORIES OF HALLOWEEN. THERE’S THE VERY OLD, VERY PAGAN MISHMASH OF RITUALS THAT DATE BACK CENTURIES AND ARE THE FOUNDATION ON WHICH HALLOWEEN IS BUILT, AND THEN THERE’S THE SEXY-NURSE-COSTUME HALLOWEEN WHERE YOU DRESS UP FOR A PARTY AND SHOVE YOUR FACE FULL OF CHOCOLATE AND VODKA UNTIL YOU PASS OUT. IT’S THE LATTER WE WILL BE SHOWCASING HERE. AS MUCH FUN AS MOST OF US HAVE EVERY YEAR, YOU CAN BET YOUR SNICKERS BARS THAT THERE IS A VERITABLE PILLOWCASE OF BAD IDEAS FLOATING AROUND EVERY OCTOBER 31ST. AND NO ONE SEEMS TO REALIZE HOW ROTTEN THESE IDEAS TRULY ARE UNTIL IT’S WAY TOO LATE. BAD PARTIES, BAD COSTUMES…BAD EVERYTHING.
How does a fast-food chain capitalize on a holiday known for monsters and candy when they offer up neither of these things? If you’re part of the marketing department at Burger King circa 2015, you come up with a Whopper as black as the soul of whoever created that terrifying, plastic-headed King mascot of theirs.
A black Whopper doesn’t sound entirely terrible—after all, if the flavor’s the same, it’s just a cute little gimmick for Halloween, no harm done. But it did have one special side effect.
As anyone who eats a lot of beets knows, color can filter through your body relatively unchanged. Beets can make you think you’re pissing blood. And as it turned out, the black Whopper, whose bun contained a high concentration of coloring agent, turned your shit as green as a leprechaun up to his nuts in clover. So maybe they hit the Halloween nail on the head after all. It wasn’t causing any harm, and predictably, Burger King didn’t have a statement on the hue of their customers’ bowel movements. But you can assume the burger won’t be making a comeback.